When Love Calls…

“There’s nowhere to hide when love is callin’ your name, yeah
From the dark, nowhere to hide, baby, yeah
There’s nowhere to hide, so let love have its way with your heart
When love calls, love calls, love calls your name”

(From the song of the same title by Kem)

After any heartbreak, falling in love again tends not to be high on our “To Do” list. We’re too busy reeling in anger, frustration, disappointment, and if we’re lucky, celebrating because something that may not have been good for us is finally gone. Whatever the state of our emotions post-breakup, the majority simply aren’t looking another relationship anytime soon.

There are those who haven’t been in a relationship for some time and may or may not be looking for that special someone to come into their life. They could be living out their hopes, goals, and dreams in a relationship with themselves in order to be the best person that can be before they enter into another relationship. I wholly applaud this person. Being at one with ourselves is probably the hardest relationship we can be in, but it’s assuredly the most rewarding in every way.

However, when it does, we’re caught in a Charlotte’s Web of emotion. We receive daily messages and affirmations of how good life now is, and sometimes; and at the same time, find ourselves both elated and scared as we compare our past relationship to the potential of a current one. We contemplate the pros and cons of moving forward all while trying and sometimes failing to extricate ourselves from the invisible web. We may find themselves back in touch with someone from our past and the course of the friendship begins to escalate into something more than previously imagined.

Whichever way it happens, Love’s calling, and it’s got us caught in its sights and we’re looking down at the red dot sitting in the middle of our chest. We find ourselves caught in a tempest of giddiness and anticipation as we fight to quell the hummingbird flitting about our hearts. Love’s calling our name loud and no matter how much we fight, we won’t last ten rounds and that TKO takes us down hard. Love showed up and love showed out.

There is no blueprint for how or when we fall in love, or with whom actually. Love is emotion that overrides and overrules logic. Love defies colour. Love challenges hate. Love is the aspiration of each of us. Love gives and does not take away. We may have had a bad relationship, but love will always be a part of it. Love is the maker; never the breaker; we do that all by ourselves.

We may each have many loves on varying levels and each person will bring something different to our lives, but there will only be one gold standard love. That is the love like no other and there will never be. This is the one we tend to call “The One”; I like to call it “Epic Love”. This is the love that knocks you out in the first round and you remain in a blissful coma forever. This love is rare. This love must be guarded. This love is Love’s Divine.

We are not immune from love. There is not inoculation to cure us. It’s an infectious emotion that we’ll experience at least once in our lives and at least a few times if we’re lucky. Love is nothing to be afraid of. It’s proof positive that we’re human and capable of feeling. When love calls, answer it. Open your heart and receive.

This ain’t the Young & the Restless

I’m married to a man with two small kids; 13 and 10 and a coworker recently asked if I get along with my husbands ex and I said, “no!”  She then said, “oh, that’s a shame!”  And after the Divine put his hand over my mouth so I didn’t say what I really wanted to say, I took a breath and then said, “why is that?  I wasn’t aware that my having a friendship with her was a requirement.”  Sensing she’d crossed the line,  she went on to add, “I just figured for the sake of the kids it would be easier if everyone got along.”  That’s when I dodged the Divine intervention and went to to say, “this isn’t the Young & the Restless or any other show that romanticizes that exes can and should all get along; to include their new spouses or significant others.  (insert her stunned expression).  I then went on to add, “that’s the problem with society now, everyone believes the bs they see on tv or read in the papers.  As long as I get along with the kids, is what is important, not their mother.”  Her response after wishing she’d never been so bold as to make such an inquiry when we’re not even cool like that, was, “Yes, that’s what I meant.”  Really?  No, I think not.  I think she lives by some romanticized version of what she thinks life and relationships are or should be about.

Yes, I agree, we should all get along to a certain degree, but I don’t need to kicking it with his ex, holding conversation outside of what needs to be said, or having her as an active part of my life and current marriage to her ex-husband.  Furthermore, this woman has been rude and disrespectful to me from day one toward me, so again, why do I need to be cool with her?  As previously stated, as long as I get along with the kids and I’m not doing anything to harm them, is what’s important.

Since she opened to door to be all up in my business, I decided to give her an earful of fantasy versus reality.  My daughter’s father and I split amicably and shared custody of our daughter from age 3-17 when he passed.  I never got in his business; or he in mine.  We moved and lived on the same block, a small street and one house apart where we could stand in our respective driveways and wave at each other.  I didn’t go hang out at his house or he mine more than what was necessary.  His then wife and I were cool, and had on occasion hung out because we were in fact friends prior to their getting married.  No, I was not a fan of the idea; however, she and our daughter got along and I didn’t want anyone doing any shady ish behind my back, so I went along with it.  Once she tried to overstep her boundaries as a step-parent and doing shady ish, I ended that and reiterated to my ex that were the parents and any/all decisions and such are between us.  That buddy-buddy ish was for the birds for a plethora of reasons.

In closing, I added that his ex was not someone I’d kick it or be friends with even if she wasn’t his ex as our personalities are vastly different.  Furthermore, she’s a liar and untrustworthy; two qualities I abhour in a person.

So, after breaking it all down; certainly more than she bargained for, she apologized for over stepping.   “Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self” played loudly in my mental background.

Lesson of the day was: mind your own business and stop looking at life through rose-coloured glasses because “ain’t nobody got time f’dat”. Big shout out to Sweet Brown for that catch-phrase!

Tengo un bueno dia mi amors!

I didn’t want to, but I am…

The #metoo that’s going around has had me at odds with whether or not I wanted to talk about it, but after reading about Joy Bryant, my heart broke as I found a touching similarity to her story. Read it here… Joy Bryant’s story

I do not know the entirety of the story behind my conception save for the he say/she say versions my parents have served up, but I do know that neither parent knew how to parent well.  Their varied backgrounds prevented them from loving their children in the right way.

From what I’ve learned of my father’s childhood it was violent, angry, bitter, and strict.  He was academically smart; however, his father prevented him from seeking further education , so he filtered his skills into being a good craftsman and working with his hands.  His relationship with his mother was tenuous and the foundation for his misogyny.  My father was an extremely attractive man and that parlayed into his ability to score women and oftentimes in inappropriate ways.

After conversations with my half-sister and his current last wife, I learned some extremely ugly things about my father, and while I was in many ways appalled, I can’t say I was entirely shocked, as I saw things first hand growing up that my half-siblings did not and it set the tone for how I viewed him.  I saw women come and go on the weekends I spent with him, and learned not to get attached to any of them because I didn’t know how long they’d last.  Some were nice and some were not, but again, it didn’t really matter because I wasn’t sure if they’d last as I said.  This fluctuation in women translated into my inability to bond with women or even fully trust them since some of the women my father dealt ill treated me.

I learned how abusive my father then, and as recent as this February when he passed, I learned more.  And again, while disturbing, I was not entirely shocked, but what sickened me the most was hearing my half-sister detail her own conception, which led me to thinking, I could have very well been conceived the same way…out of violence/force/coercion…Rape!

I wanted to ask my mother about it, but don’t really want to dredge up the past and have her go into one of her many tirades about my father.  I’d actually rather know about her childhood and relationship with her mother.  Her father passed when she was two.  She’s never really detailed what it was like growing up, but from the fragments I’ve heard from my deceased aunt/uncle and my mother’s sister, it wasn’t great.  The little she’s shared about her relationship with my father was drenched in bitterness and anger.

About ten years ago, she blurted out that he raped her, but I dismissed it, not that I didn’t believe her, but she said it in mixed company; (around MY friends) and it was an inappropriate time and place for such a revelation.  I never brought it up again. Given what I learned from my half-sister, previous conversations with my half-brother, and my father’s last wife, I don’t dispute my mother’s revelation.  I don’t have any resentful or angry feelings about it in all honesty because I had an acrimonious and tenuous relationship with my father anyway.  I have long since reconciled my feelings; or lack thereof toward him, so when he passed, I was completely fine.  I’d been previously estranged from him for ten years and it wasn’t until 2007 that I allowed myself contact with him again.  Those seven years were fraught with drama and I merely tolerated his existence all while forging a very close relationship with his now widow of whom he treated her poorly too!

I have always had an oil and water relationship with my mother; a little similar to how Ms. Bryant explained hers with her mother.  She was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive toward me and there were a few extreme physically violent episodes too.  I think there was a lot of envy that she had toward me as I succeeded in things she’d hoped to and she found ways to either take credit for my accomplishments, demean them in some way, or find ways to steal the spotlight.  The myriad of things she’s done to assassinate my character, make assumptions about me, or misrepresent the facts of my life has caused a lot of hurt and pain over the years and fractured my relationship with my siblings and my eldest brothers children.  (Fortunately, we’ve grown through and past them now – but that was decades in the making)  The combination of my mothers abuse and that which I fortunately escaped from my father sexually, served as a painful foundation for my life. For decades, I lived with a level of self-hatred, in spite of the Colgate smile I wore and then somehow amassed herculean strength to overcome all of the pain of the various abuse I endured.

My own #metoo is something I’m choosing not to discuss because it’s not necessary.  I know what I went through and what’s more important, is that I came though it to be where I am today.  Speaking about the foundation of it all is a sealing part of the healing package.  Reading Ms. Bryant’s story allowed me to speak to parts of my #metoo in a different way.  I even more understand the adage, “hurt people; hurt people“.  I make zero excuses for my parents behaviour in any way as it is inexcusable.  I just see it all for the ugly truth that it is.  MY truth! MY healing! MY catharsis!  MY closure!

I wholly empathize with the women; and men, that have been sexually assaulted, molested, raped, and/or sodomized.  I wholly empathize with those who have been abused in any way and I stand in solidarity with those who’ve had the courage to speak up about their experiences.  I understand why it was “easier” to not say anything than to speak up.  I commend those who now have come forward and are speaking publically about their experiences.  I silently pray for those who still do not have the voice or courage to speak up and pray they’ll one day be able to heal and not remain in emotional bondage.

In closing, I hope that we can and will find a way to accept the ugly truth about what is truly an epidemic in society and find ways to embrace and heal those affected and hold the perpetrators accountable for their actions.  Abuse in its varied forms should not be swept under the rug and victims should not be shamed or disbelieved for speaking up.

#Solidarity!

Life’s lessons

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,

you will know what to do for each person. – Unknown

Knowing, understanding, and accepting the aforementioned is one of the most complex and agonizing of life’s lessons and experiences we will face and with age, I’ve found it to be one of the most liberating experiences I go through. 

In the past, I tended to rationalize the behaviour and actions of others and allow them to stay well past their expiration dates; in turn, providing them with a revolving door into my life and emotional capital of which was squandered.  There were too many Reasons and Seasons that I almost allowed to become Lifetimes. 

At this stage of life, I find myself closing doors more easily and more often.  I no longer allow myself to be held by nostalgia, chronology, and some misplaced sense of loyalty even when the other party finds a way; or at least attempts to reign me back in using those very same things to assuage their guilt for lack of contribution or participation. 

I favour and embrace the truth of where we are now, instead, of the role we each once played in the other’s lives and what we gained in those times or moments.  I recognize the varying degrees of relationships and the impression they had; however, to remain bound by that adds no gain.  My life is tantamount to an investment portfolio, where I have to regard the deposits made and the interest earned to determine whether I’m getting the most for my life’s relationship investments.  I choose not to live my life in the red or leaning toward emotional bankruptcy.  I reserve the right to close accounts and send statements of insufficient funds when people have overdrawn from my life and emotional well-being.  I refuse to continuously allow people to deplete me, be it financially, emotionally, physically, or mentally. 

I have to recognize the signs of the Reason, the Season, or the Lifetime in order to grow in every aspect of my life.  I cannot rationalize what doesn’t warrant the thought process because if I have to rationalize where we stand, I already have my answer.  What I must do is honour the Reason that became as Season for what it provided and reserve myself for those who are the Lifetime, and at the forefront of that is Myself. 

I’m currently liberating myself of someone who was a Reason, a Season, and what I thought would be a Lifetime.  I openly, fully, and wholly accept the Reason and the very many Seasons they played, and realize that Lifetimes are wholly reciprocal relationships.  Lifetimes are proactive, inspiring, uplifting, bullshit calling, and wholesome.  Lifetimes make others a priority and honour those who have bought the ticket with the true intent to ride until the end. 

This closure has been in the making for some time now; not entirely of their own making; however, and in spite of their words, their action has proven itself to be terminal.  There is nothing to wrestle anymore.  There is no taking into account the two plus decades of friendship (Reasons and Seasons) where we once saw each other through the others eyes, or saw each other through the myriad of life’s ups and downs.  All there is, is to let go. 

What was once perceived to be the embodiment of a Lifetime will become a fading memory shrinking further and further into the distance and will eventually set on the horizon of this part of my life’s chapter.  I am very much okay with that.  I honestly didn’t think I would be, but I truly am and in an odd way, I feel a bit relieved; exhilarated even as it feels like I reached past an emotional plateau.

So, here I am, older, wiser, and much lighter on my life’s journey.  I hear Ms. Badu clapping in my head and praising me for not being a Bag Lady.  (I told you before, music is always in my head!) 

If you’re struggling with Reasons, Seasons, and Lifetimes, take a moment to set your life up like a bank account or investment portfolio so you can see if you’re truly getting the best out of your life.

 

Honour thyeslf always! J

 

Lyrically Speaking…

I affinity for music and lyrics surpasses most things.  My iPod (yes, I still own one) if currently in need of new songs, but specifically ones with some passionate and intense lyrics.  

Music has always been an amazing way to communicate and has done so for me when I couldn’t find words of my own to convey my emotions.  I have a collection of playlists called; Lyrically Speaking – When Words Fail, Music Explains that have and continue to serve the many moods and facets of both my moods and personality in various moments and stages of my life.  

When listening to music, I don’t always listen my a particular genre, but instead by the melody and lyrical composition of the song, which is why I have almost every genre of music on my iPod.  My husband has revoked my “Black Card” on a few occasions after being subjected to my playlists while driving.  Personally, I don’t think music has a race or ethnicity; it simply is an emotion that ‘just is’.  Music requires no label other than the one that produces it.  

I was listening to music on Spotify and chose Sabrina Claudio as I came across some songs by her that I hadn’t already heard.  Like the previous ones, I was completely enamoured by both the soothing and seductive cadence of her voice and the lyrical content of her songs.  I found myself completely entranced by the musical composition of the songs and swayed while digesting both my lunch and the lyrics.  One line seized my mind as I listened to a rather short song called, Natural, and the line “Nobody really knows my name because all you call me is beautiful.” I was done!  That simple line spoke volumes to the enormity of how someone could make another feel.  Being curious, i wondered what prompted the writing of the song, so I looked it up and according to Sabrina,  “I normally don’t write from personal experience. It’s just stories from people in my life; just conversations that I’ve had.

This one was a conversation I had with someone who had been in a relationship for a very long time. It was at the point where it was really about to end; and they met somebody else who they spent a small amount of time with. That small amount of time kinda overpowered the whole longterm relationship that they were in.

It’s like the honeymoon stage times 10; and it’s all just within a week of knowing the person.”

I could relate!  I instantly recalled the numerous occasions I’ve written stories or poems based on something someone shared and it made it wonder why I’ve never tired my hand at song writing.  Oh wait!  I can’t’ read music, so I guess that would truly inhibit my ability to do that.  (insert giggles!)  No worries though, as I still continue to write and of late, I come up with soundtracks for imaginary screenplays or stories I write in my head while listening; correction, bonding with songs I listen to.  

Years ago, I did in fact write a short story based one of Kem’s song, “I Can’t Stop Loving You“, where I inserted lines from the song to convey the lead characters emotions.  That was a fun time. 🙂

I highly recommend the listening of Miss Sabrina Claudio.  She’s a wonderful singer/songwriter who I’ve yet to hear on the radio, but given that I very rarely do, I honestly wouldn’t even expect to.  They’d rather play songs with very little weight than songs that are actually worth listening to.  So, if you have Spotify or go onto YouTube, take a listen to this young lady and I’d hazard a guess that you’ll also like her songs and music.

Let the music play on…