While having dinner with a dear friend yesterday, we spoke about being accountable for ourselves regardless of the situation or circumstance.  We spoke about how people often defer, find fault in others; place blame on others when they find themselves in the hot seat from something they’ve done.  I spoke about how a few people have stopped speaking to me and I have no idea why and was carrying around that conflict for some time.  I have; however, since let it all go.  I am woman enough to own anything I may have said or done and will seek forgiveness or atone for my alleged wrongdoing, but when put in situations where I’m left clueless, I can not and will not put someone else’s baggage in my luggage…Nuff said.  We continued to speak on the subject and I said that I’m fortunate to have friends in my life who keep it real and have no problem calling me on my shit if or when necessary.  It’s a shared mindset and serves us all well in our relationship.

So, today, I sit down to read my In Touch devotional and here is what is said…

A Partner for Accountability

An accountability partner is able to perceive what we can’t see when blind spots and weaknesses block our vision. Such a person serves as a tool in God’s hand to promote spiritual growth, and he or she watches out for our best interest. When choosing this type of confidant, look for these characteristics:
1. Godly. A person who walks in the Spirit will offer genuine wisdom based on biblical principles rather than personal opinion.
2. Trustworthy. No matter what you share with this individual, you must be certain that he or she will keep everything in the strictest confidence.
3. Accepting. He or she must allow you to be yourself–frailties and all–and not try to remake you into someone “perfect.”
4. Courageous. A good accountability partner will lovingly confront you with the truth, even when it hurts (Eph. 4:15).
5. Forgiving. When you make mistakes, trust is built through mutual forgiveness.
6. Edifying. Don’t choose someone with an overly critical attitude that will make you feel worthless. Love edifies and builds up (Eph. 4:29). It never destroys.
7. Encouraging. You don’t want someone with a checklist, who judges or acts like a prophet. Instead, choose someone who takes great joy in encouraging you.
We all can benefit from someone who is able to say what we need to hear without making us feel threatened. Answerability provides checks and balances that promote spiritual growth and protect us from pitfalls. If you don’t already have an accountability partner, pray for that person today.
I felt so good reading this as I know it’s confirmation of my being in the right place, with the right people, at the time in my life.  God’s word is always on point and certainly right on time.
That is all!

Guest Post…

Good morning boys and girls.  Thank you all again for all the birthday greetings I received.  I truly appreciate them and feel the more encouraged and inspired by your continued support.

Speaking of support, I ask you to check out Not Just For White Girls Part 1, which I wrote after I was contacted by Jay at up4discussion to guest post on her blog.

I was shocked, flattered, and very humbled to be asked to contribute and welcomed the opportunity as a vehicle to help others deal with their issues and find ways to heal and grow.


That is all!

Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEE!!….

Today is my 45th birthday and I receive this day wholly and fully.  I enter into this new year; this new stage in my life with a clear and open mind and heart.  I give God thanks for seeing me through so much in the past five years and I know He’s got some amazing blessings, victories, and experiences ahead for me.  I closed out year 44 with prayer and knowing that I’ve healed, grown, and atoned for the years prior. 

I stand on a firmer foundation and have expressed my fullest and sincerest appreciation to those who’ve helped me get to year 45th.  In spite of the trials, I’ve had triumphs and I feel especially proud that while it all may not be what I’d like it to be, at least I’m still here by God’s grace to continue on.

Thanks to each of you who’ve known me over the years and have come back to be a part of my life again.  And to those with whom I’ve recently made acquaintances with, I thank you also for taking an interest in what I have to say whether we agree or not. 

I’ll be away for the weekend celebrating and will return on Monday refreshed and renewed.


That is all!

What I remember…

Today marks the 11th anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks that lead to other airborne attacks, and the attack on the Pentagon.  I recall exactly where I was when it happened and what my initial reaction was. 

Like many, I thought  a plane had violated airspace and that the New York (ZNY to those who work in the aviation industry), air traffic controllers were about to catch-all kinds of hell for allowing it to happen.  We rushed to the internet and saw breaking news on CNN that one and then two planes had crashed into the World Trade Center and was the act of terrorists.  Many of us rushed to the phone to call friends and family in NYC to find out if they were okay. 

I called by God Brother who was working in the financial district and got his voicemail.  I then tried to call my Godmother and her husband who was visiting from London as they were in Brooklyn at the time and they were supposed to go to the WTC that day. 

My heart ached and I anxiously waited to hear from all of them.  Another coworker had family who were at their place of business be adversely affected by the fall out, but fortunately they survived.  Another coworker waited frantically to hear from his wife who was also in that area.  We all rallied around each other and promised to make contact once we’d heard word since we were being sent home early from work.  I contacted close friends whose son; a Marine who worked on the flight detail for the President.  I was told he was fine and would be kept on active detail until things stabilized.  It was all so emotional and frantic.

As the day progressed and images flooded the various news streams, I thought about my daughter who was in middle school at the time. I wondered what she’d heard and how she felt about the news.  Given I was not retired from the service yet, I was concerned that I may get called to active duty to provide support where necessary and applicable.  The fighter pilots of my unit did in fact respond to the attacks given our proximity to NYC and Washington, D.C  and uncertainty reigned supreme that day and the days thereafter. 

I did finally hear from my family and they were all well.  While I’m an extremely punctual person and take offense when we work on “CP” time, I can honestly say I was thankful for it on that fateful day because G-mum and her husband woke up late and didn’t make it to NYC on time.  Given that 9/11 is two days before my birthday, I had even more to be grateful and thankful for that year because even though I was unable to see them due to restrictions on travel in and out of NYC, they still had their lives.  Sadly, so many others were lost that day. 

I’ve visited the area where the World Trade Center used to be and it was freakishly eerie, emotionally disturbing, and extremely hard to be in.  I recalled memories of taking my daughter and then stepson to the WTC and watching them have so much fun in the building. I recall the many times that area was stomping grounds when I lived in northern New Jersey (NoJo) and the many times I’d visited after relocating to Southern New Jersey (SoJo).  My heart ached for the countless lives that were taken, interrupted and adversely affected by the attacks.  I’m not sure I’d want to go back to that area even though at some point I may have to if a family member from overseas wanted to visit. 

To date, there are still many unanswered questions and the truth will never be known.  Osama Bin Laden will be the man held accountable and frankly it is what it is.  It was a sad day in America and an even sadder day for those who lost their lives as a result.  I personally thank those firefighters, police, EMTs, and countless volunteers who assisted in trying to save lives. 

Unfortunately, I’m a little torn in some of my other feelings for that day because I found it amazing how Americans suddenly claimed their patriotism, but worse made innocent people victims of their unfounded prejudice to Muslims and other who ‘looked like’ the terrorists named in the attacks.  When asked, I can’t say I feel any safer now than I did 11 years ago.  I don’t think Homeland Security, The TSA, or the Customs and Border Patrol gives me a sense of security.  In fact, I feel the excessiveness of some of their tactics makes me feel more violated than secure.  I’m not suggesting we don’t need to be more aware and get the impression we’re more secure, but knowing what I know, so much of it simply plays and preys on people’s fears; thus, forcibly allowing ourselves to be treated the way we are without protest. 

Some 9/11 Information that you may want to explore.

I will not force my sentiments on anyone and I have my reasons for how I feel.  All I do hope though, is that we can come together on one accord always in all ways to and for each other. We all live in this country and regardless of your beliefs, inflicting harm on others because they’re different or share a different viewpoint is just wrong.  No matter our skin colour; our blood all bleeds red.  What’s different on the outside is the same on the inside, so it’s time we start seeing beyond the obvious and get to the heart of the matter…the person.  Let’s stop being sheep and being lead or being persuaded by news media.  Step outside the box, do some research, and think for yourselves. 

We need more love.  We need more understanding.  We need more compassion. We need more truth.

What The World Needs Now

That is all!

Cheating with a contingency…

I was listening to the Rickey Smiley Morning Show today, (10 Sept 12) and he was going off about women cheating. He was rather pissed at how women cheat, why women cheat, and that the numbers are as high as 80%. While I can’t confirm or deny his accuracy, I can say that women are rather slick with theirs and tend to be more successful than men at it, so while psychological studies suggest the rate is 70-76% of men to 40% of women, no one can really know for sure. It’s not like folk are going to just put themselves on blast so someone can gather statistics anyway.

Rickey Smiley aside, my issue with cheating is when folk cheat on a contingency. That is, people who’ll cheat while they’re waiting for someone better to come along. I’ve got real beef with that. Why? Because if you’re relationship isn’t working out and you’ve tried to fix it, then just leave. Why drag it out and make your life even more complicated by adding another factor into the equation? I understand it may be hard to simply up and leave, but giving someone potential ammunition to be used against you is just stupid.

While I admit to having been a participant in someone’s infidelity, I’m not a supporter of it and find it exhausting and in many ways an annoying practice to be kept up. The lies, the excessive deleting of calls, texts, emails, ensuring your phone GPS is off, removing your EZ pass from your car, and all the other tactics one has to employ to prevent themselves from being found it is just too taxing as I stated.

Although I’ve known many or heard of many people who cheat, it seems that lately it’s becoming more and more known to me in my immediate and extended social circles, but it’s being done on a contingent basis. The offending party has the mindset that mirrors something like this…”With my (insert title) isn’t where I want to be and I want out, but I don’t want to be alone, so I’m going to cheat and see what’s out there. I’ll still maintain the security of my shaky relationship I’m in until someone better comes along”.

I understand that we all think the grass may be greener when we’re unhappy, but in truth the grass can be as green or as brown as you make it. Grass, like most things is a living entity, and needs care and attention to be maintained. Yes, some might require a little more time and attention, but at the end of the day, it’s what you put into that yields favourable results. Envying what someone else has or what you perceive is better, can in many ways only complicate matters, so why not work on you and/or what you have to improve what you want? We are all responsible for our own happiness and we’re all responsible for the choices we make or don’t make in our lives. So, if we’re unhappy, why not get to the root of it and fix what’s broken within? Seeking the approval, validation, or thinking someone else can or will make you happy doesn’t improve us or our situations. In fact, it can only compound an already tenuous situation because if you have a conscious, you have to assuage your guilt for what you’re doing by 1) yourself by adding more stress to your life, 2) deal with all the lies and manipulation it takes to cheat, and 3) live with the consequences of what you’re doing.

Now, if things are so bad where you are, why can’t the offending party simply just get out? Why do they have to cheat and straddle the fence at the same time? In my humble opinion, if you’re relationship isn’t working out and you’ve honestly tried all you can to make it work, then you should be man or woman enough to call it quits and move on. If you’re cheating with a contingency, then you’re never truly invested in anyone but yourself and in reality, you’re not even really doing that because you’re so busy covering your ass so you don’t get busted that your focus is erratic at best.

I revert back to a previous post Own Your Shit where I state that we are all responsible for ourselves and our actions. When we take ownership for things in our lives, we are working toward making our future better in whatever way it needs to be and in the context of this post it’s finding ways to effectively get out of your relationship without the added drama of cheating. Infidelity is synonymous with being untrustworthy and there are few relationships that successfully survive when that’s what it’s founded on. Now, I’m not suggesting that people can’t and don’t change, but think about it…If you got your man or woman by way of infidelity, isn’t there a part of you; even if it’s one iota of a doubt that the person wouldn’t do it to you? At some point, don’t you stop to wonder how a relationship that was founded on lies and deception has any stability? I know I sure as shit would, but, that’s just me and how I view things.

In order to have healthy and wholesome relationships, we must be honest. We have to take inventory ourselves and our view on relationships as a whole in order to know how we can achieve the healthy mindset it takes to be with someone. Relationships are only as healthy as the sickest person, so it’s imperative that we heal and close doors before inviting another person into our personal mess. We have to see past thinking that 50/50 makes a whole in a relationship. If each party is only bringing 50% to the table, then the ground is pretty unstable; moreso if cheating is the foundation. However, when each party is bringing as close to 100% to the table as they can, that means they’ve done their personal inventory, have asked and insisted that the party of interest has likewise done theirs, and they’ve got something of substance to work with. Two strong people weather a greater storm that two halves.
So, boys and girls, I’ll close with this thought. Would you rather your spouse/partner/girl-boyfriend simply state they no longer want to be in the relationship and end it or them maintaining the front of the relationship all while cheating on a contingency? I’m sure I probably already know the answer, but I really want you all to think about this. Also, reflect on your past relationships to assess whether you’ve cheated on a contingency.

When I look back to the time I was party to someone else’s infidelity, I was single and let it be known that he and I; in spite of the boomerang bond we shared, I’d never enter a one-on-one relationship with him should it have ever come down to that unless he’d done some serious soul-searching and worked through his issues. I likewise, would have and actually did work through why I accepted being the “go to” girl. Fast forward; said man, has worked through his issues, did the required soul-searching, and he’s made great leaps in how he views relationships and himself in one. We never became a couple, but we are still friends to this very day. There is much to be said about integrity!

That is all!