First place; second…

I read this article Second Wives Club over at MadameNoire.Com and found it and the ensuing comments riddled with a myriad of reasons why being The Second Wife was a bad thing. Here’s my take on why it’s not necessarily the case.

A man married and subsequently divorced could be a measure of many things, but one never knows unless they ask the questions needed to get to the truth; well, at least his version of it should determine whether or not those reasons are good enough for you to pursue a relationship with him. That aside for a moment, let us consider this, which was not raised…For the most part, we are all someone’s second.  Being a second girlfriend exposes us to some of the same dramas, issues, ups, downs, as being a second wife; it’s on the title that changes.   If he cheated in his previous relationship, he may very well cheat again with his second.  If he had a trifling baby mama, she could very well be a burden in his second relationship.  The list continues without my having to bring it forward.  Being a second at anything isn’t always bad unless the women enjoys being a mistress and that in and of itself is a whole other issue.

The many comments from the article suggested the drama of the first wife, children, finances, etc could become problems in the second marriage.  While I don’t disagree with that, I don’t think it makes being the second wife a bad thing unless he’s not doing his part to ensure the future wife is protected from such bullshiggity.  In addition, it’s the second Mrs. that has to do her due diligence to determine whether or not she can or will want to deal with any negativity that may carry over from his first marriage.  The woman has a role and is the deciding factor in her moving forward as Mrs. Number Two.

From my personal experience, I spoke to issues and concerns with My Love in regards to his ex-wife and their children. I spoke to that which I would and wouldn’t tolerate and how his children’s behaviour could impact not his and my relationship.  We addressed my concerns and came to solutions in order to alleviate any potential stress or drama.  I am not friends, nor do I need to be with his ex, but we’re amicable and can be around each other as a situation dictates without incident.

It annoys and galls me that women find the need to be so damned insecure, petty, catty, and the likes when both she and he have divorced.  As long as the kids are taken care of, support as dictated or agreed to has been established, and there is no slandering of the respective new party, why should there be drama?  Granted, there are those who are just so ignorant, insecure, and short-sighted to move on with their lives that can and will find ways to be a nuisance, but to what end?  Showing ones ass only makes a situation worse all around and no one has time for that nonsense; well, I don’t.

Marriages fall apart and just because the first one did is not indicative that the second one will.  Sometimes good people simply aren’t good together for whatever reason, so why not allow themselves to move on and try again?  At least for better reasons!

Both My Love and I are divorced.  I have no dealings or contact with my ex since we didn’t have children together, but My Love has two children with his and shared custody so there is always going to be interaction with her in some way.  I’ve firmly stated my ground and reiterate it where necessary.  I’ve spoken my peace regarding his children and that has been abided by.  I’m the mother of a 22-year old daughter; therefore, I’ve had a lot of experience with raising a child; a lot of which can and will save him from a lot of drama; especially with his daughter.  Yes, she’s her own person and will do her own thing; however, my experience and influence should not and fortunately is not discarded or discounted.  His son is a whole different ball game, but a child is a child and their traits are quite similar and I’ve had stepson’s in my previous marriage.  Experience I’m not without!

First place is always striven for; however, second place has its merits too.  The second time around comes with seasoning and refinement.  The second time has given you a different life perspective that didn’t come the first time around.  An awareness, a sense of self, a growth and maturity, and a want for something that lacked the first time is a gift that comes with appreciation and not expectation.  The second time comes with a desire for greater success and a willingness to do more.

I’ve been the second, third, forth in many relationships; my former marriage included, but at no time did I ever discount myself for that ranking.  I’ve learned and grown with each experience to be at the place I am now.  Of all my relationships, the one with myself has been a hard-earned one.  I was second to myself to the deficit for quite some time and it wasn’t until I corrected negatively learned things, that I finally came into myself.  No one in the article seemed to consider that!  We don’t come into our initial relationships whole, we have to go through many trails and errors in order to be crafted into the fullness and wholeness we become; or at least hope to become before we can be worthy of being a First and so few of us are.  To those fortunate to have found The One and The ONLY, I applaud them, but I also know it’s not without work to maintain that.  My favourite male cousin has been married for over 30 years, but I know there was infidelity on his part; she didn’t know, or at least I don’t think she did.  I know there were many trials and struggles to maintain a marriage of that duration and I wholly applaud that.  However, I still will not discount those second marriages.  We all need something negative in order to experience and appreciate the positive.  Sometimes love is better the second time around!

 

Yea, I said it!

Transition

I’m in an awkward place in my life right now and it causing a myriad of mixed emotions.  I’m in a life transition; women stuff! I knew it was coming; it’s inevitable, but it isn’t sitting well with me.  Why? Because it has a couple other dance partners on its card and quite honestly, it’s a quite a lot to handle.

Ordinarily, I do well multi-tasking; it’s what I do and quite frankly do pretty well; however, this, these transitions are happening hard and fast and oftentimes without warning. The life (woman) transition causes mood swings either high or low, are causing me to want to retreat into my own world where I don’t want to interact outside of what is deemed necessary.  I’m fortunate that due to a medically induced physiological chemistry change I underwent almost seven years ago, I’m somewhat armed and prepared for what I’m going through (and will continue to go through), but it doesn’t make it any easier when a certain unwanted “aunt” makes unscheduled appearances causing me to remain in a heightened state of womanly awareness.   That drama aside, I endure and deal with it accordingly.

The other transition is that I’m in the last quarter of my old year and while I look forward to my forthcoming new one, I’m a bit torn over its inception.  Forty-seven will be an in between stage.  No longer 45 and not quite 50.  I’m happy with my growth and accomplishments this past year and have dealt with many things and people in a manner that has been conducive to me not having a mental health breakdown or facing indictment.  I embrace the serenity prayer in its entirety, hold steadfast to my faith, live in a fashion that best suits me and my needs and not under the scrutiny of what society thinks is appropriate for me, and am thankful for the close few who are always in my corner.  The place I’m in my life right now; as long as I don’t completely lose it (refer back to the aforementioned transition)  will be the mental and emotion segway to what could most likely be an amazing turning point in my life.

The final transition is by far the biggest, most fearful, most life-altering of all…Moving in with My Love.  I understand it’s a normal and expected part of relationship maturity; however, I’m finding my understanding and happiness bordered with angst, trepidation,  confusion, conformance.  It’s been more than a decade since I’ve lived with a man and small children.  Lil Lady is now 22 and has been out of the house for +/- two years and although I was okay with her living and being at home, it was still an adjustment.  While her father still alive, she and I only lived together two weeks a  month because she’d spend alternating weeks at my house and her fathers.  Given his and my former proximity, there were times when I saw her almost daily, but we still didn’t live together daily and hadn’t since she was about four years old.  Yes, quite a transition for me. I had a roommate and temporary house guests from time to time, but these past four years have been mostly lived by myself.  I’m neat, orderly, and territorial.  The latter being hard for many to understand.  Personally, I don’t know what’s so hard to understand about that. It’s my space, my things, please leave them alone and ask if you want access.  That’s just politeness in my opinion.  Being with a man who has small children was the mother of all transitions, but I’ve fared well over the past almost four years…living with this will be the mother’s grandmother of transitions.  Don’t get me know, I’m not complaining; merely being honest here.

The combination of these transitions occupies my mind daily, although the pre-birthday one is the least of the three in terms of mind occupancy.  I’m prepared for that. I make this transition annually and prepare for it typically with vim and vigour.  This year, given the two accompanying ones, it seems a bit overwhelming I suppose.

I don’t know how I’ll fully navigate the first and last; hopefully with grace; though I anticipate there will be some meltdowns from time to time.  Hormones and angst are a bad mix. I’ll have to talk to LadyLee about that; her being a chemist an all.  Jokes aside, I’m just venting, being honest, and using this as a means to express that which I haven’t said to My Love yet…I will though!

If any of my sage readers have any words of comfort, understanding, empathy, etc. please don’t hesitate to share.

 

Yea, I said it!

Act like a man…Blu Jewel style

So, My Love and I have a great sex life…TMI, I’m sure, but it’s not something I’m ashamed of.  I’m pretty open to most things and we experience each other in mutually beneficial ways.  What’s amusing about our sex life is that he’s often said, I’m like a dude sometimes sexually.  Here’s some of my actions that he considers ‘dude like’…

I’m not one who has to orgasm every time I have sex; sometimes I just want to do it for the sake of doing it.

I can be mad and still want to have sex; one is emotional and one is physical..caveat is that it depends on what I’m mad about

I can have sex daily and more than once

Masturbation is necessary and sometimes done for no other reason than “I can”

Sex doesn’t have to be all pink and lacy; sometimes I like it rough, raw, and carnal

Getting head is necessary; not every time, but it has to happen as required

Quickies can be as effective as duration sex

Sometimes getting a nut off is all you need

Post-coital snuggling etc, isn’t always required; just let a chic sleep 😉

A woman having safe and consensual sex doesn’t necessarily make her a ‘slut’, ‘hoe’, ‘playette’…especially when she does it and NO ONE knows her business

Yea, I said it!

 

Random

It’s been a while since I’ve done a decent post and while I have much I’ll eventually post, I’m currently feeling like a boat adrift.  My thoughts are erratic at best and I’m finding myself less and less satisfied with things/people around me and in life as a whole. I’m not one for wallowing.  Nor am I one whose a part of a situation instead of the solution; however, right now, I think I just need to be.  I’m not falling into a temporary dark state; instead I am allowing whatever this “feeling” is to exist and then run its course.  All too often, we strive to “try to figure it out”; spend too much time trying “to get to the root of it”; and/or look for the needle in the proverbial haystack.  I believe I’m in a “let go and let God” state of being.  I prayed this morning for peace in my spirit; to keep my heart open in order to give; and to be moved in a direction that is wholesome to my overall well-being.  I refused the distraction of the radio and prayed in silence as I drove to work and allowed myself to revel in the sound of my thoughts as they occupied my mind.

I rarely think of my time as being wasted when I do nothing because just being still is often more of an accomplishment than constant motion.  We’ve been adversely conditioned into thinking we have to always do something, which, in my opinion is a jagged pill I refuse to swallow.  Why?  Because stillness is important.  Correction, it’s a necessity.  Why you might ask once again?  Because if we’re constantly doing something, when do we actually get to appreciate who we are, what we have, and whom we have it with?  I don’t mean casually; in passing because we’re interacting on a social level, I mean, actually exclude noise, distractions and just be.  Think of the last time you sat with your children, spouse/partner/significant other/friend and just chilled and enjoyed the moment; no electronic device, no thoughts of work, or any other interference and fully appreciated it?  Think of the last time you looked up from your device and said hello how are you to someone and actually meant it and it wasn’t said out of casual tone or in passing?  Think of the last time you let a chore pass without feeling guilty?  Be honest here; I sure am!  So many of us refuse to allow stillness to be a part of our being.  So many don’t really notice the change in colours, a flower that bloomed, the person at the bus stop they may pass each day while driving to work or actually strike up a conversation with a fellow commuter.  These things make me sad, but they also make me appreciate my moments like this.  I know we only have a limited time on this earth and we’re all trying to make the most of it; but again, how many consider that stillness is a part of our time?

Not checking Facebook, Instagram, Email, playing an electronic game isn’t making the most of our time; it’s often squandering it.  I bet if we calculated the time spent not interacting we’d be astonished with the results.  That same time could be spent taking advantage of the beauty around us; the people around us; being a part of something greater or even better than ourselves.  I think; no, I know that’s where I am right now.  I’m cherishing the moments where I don’t have to or want to do something because a social or even personal choice dictates.  I recognize that I’m feeling the weight of living alone as I have done for the past two years, Lil Lady is grown up now. She’s chosen to have a place of her own with her fiance and dog and that’s a good thing because it’ll be how she learns and how she’ll be able to balance her budget, her time, and her life as an adult.  Living alone is good for me because I’m territorial and I enjoy my time, my space, and my things to be where I left them without interference from another party; however, I know it’s time to change that part of my life.  Truth be told, I’m both ready and reluctant for this occurrence because, as I said, I’m territorial. I’m also rather neat and like things in order.  I want messes cleaned’ I want things put away, and I want these things done without having to prompt another party to do them.  I can handle change, but this one will truly take getting used once it occurs.  Pray for me okay! 😉

So, here I am, three months shy of my 47th year of life.  I’m beginning to think this “feeling” is a product of that last quarter phase out of my 46th year.  I’m contemplative.  I’m slightly indecisive.  I’m evaluating.  I’m restructuring.  I’m growing. I’m reflecting.  I’m planning. I’m preparing.  I’m many, many adjectives rolled into the multi facets of being Blu Jewel.  I’m okay with it all because….I know the struggle because I’ve lived through many and overcome.  I know the preciousness of life because mine has been threatened and challenged.  I wore the weight of my pain/shame and appreciate the lightness of being for having rose above it.  There are many positives to my former negatives and the best part of it all is that I have some of the greatest life lessons for it all.  I’m now a healer; a teacher; a mentor; a mother; a friend; a lover; and one day a wife (again); none of the aforementioned come in any particular order, but that is my then and now.  I’m not naive to think that this closeout period will be silver lined, sprinkled with rainbows, and full of sunshine, but what I do know for sure is that trust has been earned and loyalty has been shown, and love has been given from those I’ve needed it the most from.  Those are the ones I cherish.  Those are the ones I stop what I’m doing; or sometimes not doing for.  In those people, I include myself because I am an important part of the equation and in this tapestry of life I am woven together with love, peace, joy, and the occasional appearance of pain, tears, and discontent; however, it does not taint my picture; it merely adds a beautiful hue to which keeps me grounded.

What started out as a random post has now formed into something purposed and meaningful of which I couldn’t be more proud.  I, without initially fully recognizing it, turned nothing into something and proven that even when we think we not doing something; we’re always doing something. I’m thankful and grateful for this moment of “nothingness” 🙂

Enjoy your lives my friends!

 

Yea, I said it!