Firm or shaky ground…

When we sit in solitude sometimes we reflect on things, people, and situations that took place in our lives.  In and during those times, we often wonder how or why things go wrong and sadly sometimes we may; and hopefully realize, we are own our own worst enemy.  It is important to recognize that there are things that are out of our control; things imposed upon us.  However, there are many things and events that we do have a say in and instead of being proactive, we are instead reactive; thus, causing us to be the architect of your own destruction.  We sometimes absorb situations instead of filtering through them to see what’s worth our heightened emotional state and by doing this, we create a shade of grey in our lives that cause us to continually be on shaky ground.  When in this state, everything becomes an issue, we find ourselves in combat not just with others, but ourselves, which only perpetuates, the weakness.  When we are more rational, we are more able to discern the cause and effect of a situation and be less likely to be reactive and maintain our emotional alignment.  That is why it’s so important to build foundations that are on firm ground in order to endure the many tests life will through at you.  And on this ground, it’s easier to withstand the chaos than succumb to it.

Life is an ebb and flow and how we receive and deliver can be the major difference to how we go with the current.  Yes, it’s sometimes very necessary to be the salmon swimming upstream and there are times where it’s not and we’re simply just being dramatic.  Mastering our environment may sound like a laborious task, but it’s not.  It’s essential for ones well-being and something that can be handled simply by weighing what’s important against who and what isn’t.  The Biblical proverb of building ones house on solid ground is equal to the fable of the Three Pigs simply said somewhat differently.

No trade-true architect would recommend any structure build on unstable ground, so why would you build your life, which is considered a Temple on such?

Blu

The Truth…

There ain’t no substitute for the truth either it is or isn’t

First let me give credit to India.Arie as I used a sample from her song The Truth.

Now, let me get into this post…

I had an epiphany today, which said, “A woman wants a man to love her for who she is, but very often, she doesn’t truly know who she is, so how can he do that without fallout? This is one of the reasons relationships fail.” The opening of this post came to me the moment the epiphany did.

I rested on that thought for a moment, text is to my Kinster (meaning kindred spirit in one of my female friends), as I knew she could both appreciate it and adequately comment on it.

As I continue to allow this thought to resonate within me, I find myself looking back at past relationships; loosely, I might add, as they’re in the past and honestly not always worth more than a moments reflections. In said reflection, I recall having said those very words in some very much like it. As the woman I am now, I realize some of those relationships failed simply because they loved me as and whom I was at that place in time. They weren’t wrong for that part of the relationship’s demise.

When we ask someone to love us for whom we are, we must first understand whom we are. We must know ourselves with and for our flaws and not apart from them. We must be willing to own our shortcomings; be responsible and accountable for how we regard ourselves as a whole; not fractured being; and most importantly, we must know how to be in a relationship. Relationships are more than checking a box on looks, sexual appeal, financial/employment status, fact-finding tactics, or whatever else is deemed criteria for a suitable partner. Relationships are two imperfect people; since no one is perfect (contrary to the belief of some) who are perfect together. That’s something I read somewhere by the way, and not something I came up with, but it doesn’t make it any less true. While I can apply humour to this, there is a lot of seriousness that comes with that being said. Imperfection is a human flaw; being perfectly yoked is something entirely different. In order to be properly yoked, one must fully know themselves in order to present themselves suitable for a relationship and what they do not know about themselves, they’ll have to learn and own later as they grow…hopefully, still together. Again, the key part of it all, is OWNERSHIP OF SELF and KNOWING WHO WE ARE.

Let me elaborate a little more…When I was younger, I was still working to find my identity as a young woman entering a relationship without fully understanding the multi-facets of whom I was. I was an extension of the relationship witnessed of my parents and other adults. I was part fantasy of what I imagined relationships should be like. I was carrying the weight of undisclosed sexual trauma. I was, as I imagined an ugly duckling whom the boys thought a swan. Given those traits and self-image (read, lack thereof), I was completely unprepared for relationships in spite of my age. I was essentially what could be considered “damaged goods” and I took all of that into the relationships I entered. I wanted to be loved for whom I was and that’s what I was, so that’s what they loved. How could they not? It’s what I gave them to work with. I also attracted what I was and what I was carrying; yet another reason I was loved the way I was. Two broken vessels can’t fix each other! So, again, the lyric holds itself true.

After one too many endings, I took time out to begin the healing process. I began to identify why I was attracting like-type men. I began to get to the root of why I regarded myself in a certain way, or the role my tolerances and lack of it at times had in relationships, and once I identified those things, I at least came to a clarity of understanding. This understanding is what we all need to get to when entering relationships; especially once we’re into our 30’s and beyond. We can’t continue to use our youth as an excuse. We can’t continue to use the hurts of yesteryear as a cop-out tool. We can’t place blame and make excuses for our internal conflicts and external behaviours. At some point, we must, I repeat; MUST take ownership for ourselves, for our lives, and for our relationships; especially the failed ones. Again, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

I’ve recently watch a relationships die and it saddened me. I watched two good people who were not good together marry and a decade later divorce. They looked great on paper, had the immediate qualities they were seeking, and wanted the same things from a marriage; however, the thing they lacked was the ownership of self. Neither party was equipped emotionally for what they wanted. They wanted to be loved for whom they were, but didn’t entirely know who they were. A sad reality of not just them, but many. The demise of my marriage was in part for at least one of those reasons. It’s been well over a decade for me to finally want to marry again and I didn’t blindly or through fantasy accept the proposal. I presented whom I was at the very beginning. I told him whom I was and what I wasn’t going to be to suit him. I laid my cards down face up on the table for him to see. Naturally, the hand doesn’t always play out openly or evenly; however, he can never say he didn’t know who I was. It took a little more time for him to mature into whom he is now, but the open and willingness on his part to stop hiding, stop being afraid, or feeling less than has paid off. Yes, relationships are work; however, if they require too much work, or more work than in necessary to sustain it, then it’s not working.

Truth in its form; in its entity; in and of itself in something that can’t be fabricated. Truth will always manifest itself in spite of how carefully one can strive to manipulate it. People trip up, they make mistakes, and they get caught out there leaving the Truth to always make itself known. Truth and Love are synonymous to me. One without the other doesn’t make the equation work. Truth is the foundation of life and without it, there will always be chaos; or at least more than is required necessary for balance.

In closing I’ll reiterate my point, when we ask someone to love for whom we are, we must at least know whom we are. We must be willing to pull back the many layers of our being and allow it to be seen and known. We can’t expect to be loved like a King or Queen and then act with the maturity of a prince or princess unworthy of the more lofty title. We can’t ask for love and not even know how to receive it; much less reciprocate. We are, in many ways mirrors of what we want and most assuredly what we attract. The Laws of Attraction are based on the Truth of what our spirits send into the world.

So, as I started is how I’ll end, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

Blu

Books and covers…

abuse

 

We see many people and gleen an impression of whom we thing they are. What’s wrong with that picture? Well, maybe after reading the image and this post, you may just stop doing that.

I saw this on Pinterest and found myself deeply moved by its content. Not because it spoke to the mysterious “he” that it spoke of, but more to the fact that it so reminded me of a friend.  What impacted me the most about it, was it spoke damn near spot on to how I watched her act in almost all the years we’ve been friends, but primarily over the past decade.  She promotes self-imposed image and role of the “good girl”, the poster image mother, the entitled, and other such lofty positions/opinions. I’ve watched her polish up the veneer she wears so proudly to detract from the fact that this very thought-provoking image proves.

All too often, things such as the B&B and depicted is targeted toward me; however, I’d like to counter that and say, women as pretty much on par with this form of behaviour.  It’s more socially acceptable for the women to be or play “the victim”, so they’re more likely to get away with it or have it dismissed or ignored.  Personally, I think it’s all bullsh*t!  I’m sick and tired of the ghosts of women past, who fought and died for the equal rights women have come to afford, want, and/or expect, essentially for naught.  Now, I’m not saying there aren’t those who are actual victims, but for crying out loud, let’s not continue to buy into the bullsh*t.  Yes, men are often times guilty and less likely to seek counseling, treatment, or some form of help for whatever their emotional issue is, but I bet any one of you fine readers can identify a woman who personifies the B&B.

Please don’t think for one minute I’m disparaging my friend of speaking behind her back because that is certainly not the case. I have spoken with her about her viewpoint, antics, and actions and I very much still care for her; however, her antics leave much to be continually desired.  I’ve been the party that sided with her and comforted her while she played the victim.  For decades she has chosen this behaviour as a front to not dealing with real issues.  Sadly, the Baiting and Bashing has played a part in the demise of her marriage and adversely affected our friendship.  Her soon to be ex-husband has his own issues and culpability, which lead to where they are now, but, I say once again, I’ve seen and heard first hand the B&B.  I’ve tried to talk to my friend and offer my suggestions on how to best work through her issues, but it remains an action undone.  I can’t continue to aid and abet in such behaviour as I find it counter-intuitive to ones growth and development, so I remain distant and hope that she’ll one day see past herself and deal with the issues that have caused her to be this way.

At the end of the day, I live by the rule of, “what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong”.  I’m not a sugar coat it kind of gal; I say what I mean and mean what I say.  I’m rarely passive-aggressive and would rather own my words and actions than pass the blame.  Life comes with good and bad and we must accept it and work toward that which we’ve earned and not what we feel entitled too.

angrynarc1

Yea, I said it!

First place; second…

I read this article Second Wives Club over at MadameNoire.Com and found it and the ensuing comments riddled with a myriad of reasons why being The Second Wife was a bad thing. Here’s my take on why it’s not necessarily the case.

A man married and subsequently divorced could be a measure of many things, but one never knows unless they ask the questions needed to get to the truth; well, at least his version of it should determine whether or not those reasons are good enough for you to pursue a relationship with him. That aside for a moment, let us consider this, which was not raised…For the most part, we are all someone’s second.  Being a second girlfriend exposes us to some of the same dramas, issues, ups, downs, as being a second wife; it’s on the title that changes.   If he cheated in his previous relationship, he may very well cheat again with his second.  If he had a trifling baby mama, she could very well be a burden in his second relationship.  The list continues without my having to bring it forward.  Being a second at anything isn’t always bad unless the women enjoys being a mistress and that in and of itself is a whole other issue.

The many comments from the article suggested the drama of the first wife, children, finances, etc could become problems in the second marriage.  While I don’t disagree with that, I don’t think it makes being the second wife a bad thing unless he’s not doing his part to ensure the future wife is protected from such bullshiggity.  In addition, it’s the second Mrs. that has to do her due diligence to determine whether or not she can or will want to deal with any negativity that may carry over from his first marriage.  The woman has a role and is the deciding factor in her moving forward as Mrs. Number Two.

From my personal experience, I spoke to issues and concerns with My Love in regards to his ex-wife and their children. I spoke to that which I would and wouldn’t tolerate and how his children’s behaviour could impact not his and my relationship.  We addressed my concerns and came to solutions in order to alleviate any potential stress or drama.  I am not friends, nor do I need to be with his ex, but we’re amicable and can be around each other as a situation dictates without incident.

It annoys and galls me that women find the need to be so damned insecure, petty, catty, and the likes when both she and he have divorced.  As long as the kids are taken care of, support as dictated or agreed to has been established, and there is no slandering of the respective new party, why should there be drama?  Granted, there are those who are just so ignorant, insecure, and short-sighted to move on with their lives that can and will find ways to be a nuisance, but to what end?  Showing ones ass only makes a situation worse all around and no one has time for that nonsense; well, I don’t.

Marriages fall apart and just because the first one did is not indicative that the second one will.  Sometimes good people simply aren’t good together for whatever reason, so why not allow themselves to move on and try again?  At least for better reasons!

Both My Love and I are divorced.  I have no dealings or contact with my ex since we didn’t have children together, but My Love has two children with his and shared custody so there is always going to be interaction with her in some way.  I’ve firmly stated my ground and reiterate it where necessary.  I’ve spoken my peace regarding his children and that has been abided by.  I’m the mother of a 22-year old daughter; therefore, I’ve had a lot of experience with raising a child; a lot of which can and will save him from a lot of drama; especially with his daughter.  Yes, she’s her own person and will do her own thing; however, my experience and influence should not and fortunately is not discarded or discounted.  His son is a whole different ball game, but a child is a child and their traits are quite similar and I’ve had stepson’s in my previous marriage.  Experience I’m not without!

First place is always striven for; however, second place has its merits too.  The second time around comes with seasoning and refinement.  The second time has given you a different life perspective that didn’t come the first time around.  An awareness, a sense of self, a growth and maturity, and a want for something that lacked the first time is a gift that comes with appreciation and not expectation.  The second time comes with a desire for greater success and a willingness to do more.

I’ve been the second, third, forth in many relationships; my former marriage included, but at no time did I ever discount myself for that ranking.  I’ve learned and grown with each experience to be at the place I am now.  Of all my relationships, the one with myself has been a hard-earned one.  I was second to myself to the deficit for quite some time and it wasn’t until I corrected negatively learned things, that I finally came into myself.  No one in the article seemed to consider that!  We don’t come into our initial relationships whole, we have to go through many trails and errors in order to be crafted into the fullness and wholeness we become; or at least hope to become before we can be worthy of being a First and so few of us are.  To those fortunate to have found The One and The ONLY, I applaud them, but I also know it’s not without work to maintain that.  My favourite male cousin has been married for over 30 years, but I know there was infidelity on his part; she didn’t know, or at least I don’t think she did.  I know there were many trials and struggles to maintain a marriage of that duration and I wholly applaud that.  However, I still will not discount those second marriages.  We all need something negative in order to experience and appreciate the positive.  Sometimes love is better the second time around!

 

Yea, I said it!

Transition

I’m in an awkward place in my life right now and it causing a myriad of mixed emotions.  I’m in a life transition; women stuff! I knew it was coming; it’s inevitable, but it isn’t sitting well with me.  Why? Because it has a couple other dance partners on its card and quite honestly, it’s a quite a lot to handle.

Ordinarily, I do well multi-tasking; it’s what I do and quite frankly do pretty well; however, this, these transitions are happening hard and fast and oftentimes without warning. The life (woman) transition causes mood swings either high or low, are causing me to want to retreat into my own world where I don’t want to interact outside of what is deemed necessary.  I’m fortunate that due to a medically induced physiological chemistry change I underwent almost seven years ago, I’m somewhat armed and prepared for what I’m going through (and will continue to go through), but it doesn’t make it any easier when a certain unwanted “aunt” makes unscheduled appearances causing me to remain in a heightened state of womanly awareness.   That drama aside, I endure and deal with it accordingly.

The other transition is that I’m in the last quarter of my old year and while I look forward to my forthcoming new one, I’m a bit torn over its inception.  Forty-seven will be an in between stage.  No longer 45 and not quite 50.  I’m happy with my growth and accomplishments this past year and have dealt with many things and people in a manner that has been conducive to me not having a mental health breakdown or facing indictment.  I embrace the serenity prayer in its entirety, hold steadfast to my faith, live in a fashion that best suits me and my needs and not under the scrutiny of what society thinks is appropriate for me, and am thankful for the close few who are always in my corner.  The place I’m in my life right now; as long as I don’t completely lose it (refer back to the aforementioned transition)  will be the mental and emotion segway to what could most likely be an amazing turning point in my life.

The final transition is by far the biggest, most fearful, most life-altering of all…Moving in with My Love.  I understand it’s a normal and expected part of relationship maturity; however, I’m finding my understanding and happiness bordered with angst, trepidation,  confusion, conformance.  It’s been more than a decade since I’ve lived with a man and small children.  Lil Lady is now 22 and has been out of the house for +/- two years and although I was okay with her living and being at home, it was still an adjustment.  While her father still alive, she and I only lived together two weeks a  month because she’d spend alternating weeks at my house and her fathers.  Given his and my former proximity, there were times when I saw her almost daily, but we still didn’t live together daily and hadn’t since she was about four years old.  Yes, quite a transition for me. I had a roommate and temporary house guests from time to time, but these past four years have been mostly lived by myself.  I’m neat, orderly, and territorial.  The latter being hard for many to understand.  Personally, I don’t know what’s so hard to understand about that. It’s my space, my things, please leave them alone and ask if you want access.  That’s just politeness in my opinion.  Being with a man who has small children was the mother of all transitions, but I’ve fared well over the past almost four years…living with this will be the mother’s grandmother of transitions.  Don’t get me know, I’m not complaining; merely being honest here.

The combination of these transitions occupies my mind daily, although the pre-birthday one is the least of the three in terms of mind occupancy.  I’m prepared for that. I make this transition annually and prepare for it typically with vim and vigour.  This year, given the two accompanying ones, it seems a bit overwhelming I suppose.

I don’t know how I’ll fully navigate the first and last; hopefully with grace; though I anticipate there will be some meltdowns from time to time.  Hormones and angst are a bad mix. I’ll have to talk to LadyLee about that; her being a chemist an all.  Jokes aside, I’m just venting, being honest, and using this as a means to express that which I haven’t said to My Love yet…I will though!

If any of my sage readers have any words of comfort, understanding, empathy, etc. please don’t hesitate to share.

 

Yea, I said it!

Act like a man…Blu Jewel style

So, My Love and I have a great sex life…TMI, I’m sure, but it’s not something I’m ashamed of.  I’m pretty open to most things and we experience each other in mutually beneficial ways.  What’s amusing about our sex life is that he’s often said, I’m like a dude sometimes sexually.  Here’s some of my actions that he considers ‘dude like’…

I’m not one who has to orgasm every time I have sex; sometimes I just want to do it for the sake of doing it.

I can be mad and still want to have sex; one is emotional and one is physical..caveat is that it depends on what I’m mad about

I can have sex daily and more than once

Masturbation is necessary and sometimes done for no other reason than “I can”

Sex doesn’t have to be all pink and lacy; sometimes I like it rough, raw, and carnal

Getting head is necessary; not every time, but it has to happen as required

Quickies can be as effective as duration sex

Sometimes getting a nut off is all you need

Post-coital snuggling etc, isn’t always required; just let a chic sleep 😉

A woman having safe and consensual sex doesn’t necessarily make her a ‘slut’, ‘hoe’, ‘playette’…especially when she does it and NO ONE knows her business

Yea, I said it!

 

Blog Challenge: Day 8 — Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like shit…

Just when I thought the challenge would cut me some slack and be easy for more than a day, a resounding da f*ck????? gets expelled from my mouth and I stare at the screen with fingers hovering over the keyboard.

 

migrainekick dirt

 

I have experienced many an emotional pain in my life, but sadly, none has been greater than that inflicted upon me from my own mother.  I take absolutely NO pleasure in revealing this information; however, I’m an honest person and in order to complete this challenge, I need to expose some not so pleasant things in the process, be they about myself or others.

Given that I’m my mother’s only daughter, one would think that there would be sense of camaraderie between us; a shared bond; or something that mirrored a kinship, well, that simply wasn’t the case.  Growing up, I found my relationship with my mother tempered on anger, bitterness, aggression,  and a plethora of similar adjectives. She showed no keen interest in raising me to feel special, beautiful, smart, or even wanted.  I have very few memories; if any of doing things with  my mother as I did with my daughter.  In fact, what I do recall is being pawned off to an elderly neighbour who was like a pseudo Grandmother to me or being sent off with one of her girlfriends, which I later came to realize was her way of trying to gather information about me.  Fortunately, her friends did not betray my confidence, but I gave them very little to betray as self-preservation was always in full-effect with me.

My mother did not tell me I was pretty; a good student or athlete, and whatever I did by way of an accomplishment was somehow made about her.  (pause)  Truth be told, I’m really not enjoying writing this post and will most likely limit details as I see they’re not necessary to tell my story.

Suffice it to say, growing up with my mother was not an easy experience and it was laden with emotional, mental, and on occasion physical abuse.  Children’s Services was actually called on my behalf as a result of a beating she’d inflicted.  The words that came from her mouth in response to their call would make Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest look like Joan Cleaver!

I wouldn’t say I was a hard child to raise, but I’m sure for her standards or reasoning, I wasn’t easy either.  I suspect that a lot of her negative treatment toward me was borne of her feelings toward my father.  I often felt the verbal wrath of her viciousness toward him as if I had anything to do with being born or who he was.  Mothers can be so nasty and ugly in this vein as I came to learn and experience.

Mother’s attitude toward me has been manifested in so many hateful, ugly, and down right mean ways on so many occasions in my life that I’ve lost track.  I’ve exacted the proverbial 70 x 70 acts of forgiveness the Bible speaks on where she’s concerned because I grew too wary to even bother to entertain the hows and whys of her behaviour toward me.

At this point in my life, we’re actually in a place where we can speak without all the bitterness, anger, and frustration.  I resigned myself to forgiveness both toward her and inward for myself.  I don’t carry what she’s done anymore and I’d still done plenty for her in spite of myself over the years.  The one thing that hasn’t been resolved is how my daughter feels toward her grandmother and I’m saddened by that.  They used to have a great relationship and my daughter spent many summers with her Grammy being spoiled and pampered.  My daughter had unfortunately bore witness by sight, word, or deed to mother’s treatment of me over the years and when she came to a point where she could make decisions for herself, she did…She stopped speaking to her Grammy.  It’s now been 4 years since they’ve last spoken and it’s up to them to have a relationship or not.  I’ve made my peace with her and can interact with her without the drama as I previously stated.  It wasn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, but one that was necessary for me to heal and move on.

No child should have their mother be the person responsible for so much pain and heartache in their life, but it happens.  I’m glad I broke the cycle and raised my daughter better than that!

 

Yea, I said it!