The Truth…

There ain’t no substitute for the truth either it is or isn’t

First let me give credit to India.Arie as I used a sample from her song The Truth.

Now, let me get into this post…

I had an epiphany today, which said, “A woman wants a man to love her for who she is, but very often, she doesn’t truly know who she is, so how can he do that without fallout? This is one of the reasons relationships fail.” The opening of this post came to me the moment the epiphany did.

I rested on that thought for a moment, text is to my Kinster (meaning kindred spirit in one of my female friends), as I knew she could both appreciate it and adequately comment on it.

As I continue to allow this thought to resonate within me, I find myself looking back at past relationships; loosely, I might add, as they’re in the past and honestly not always worth more than a moments reflections. In said reflection, I recall having said those very words in some very much like it. As the woman I am now, I realize some of those relationships failed simply because they loved me as and whom I was at that place in time. They weren’t wrong for that part of the relationship’s demise.

When we ask someone to love us for whom we are, we must first understand whom we are. We must know ourselves with and for our flaws and not apart from them. We must be willing to own our shortcomings; be responsible and accountable for how we regard ourselves as a whole; not fractured being; and most importantly, we must know how to be in a relationship. Relationships are more than checking a box on looks, sexual appeal, financial/employment status, fact-finding tactics, or whatever else is deemed criteria for a suitable partner. Relationships are two imperfect people; since no one is perfect (contrary to the belief of some) who are perfect together. That’s something I read somewhere by the way, and not something I came up with, but it doesn’t make it any less true. While I can apply humour to this, there is a lot of seriousness that comes with that being said. Imperfection is a human flaw; being perfectly yoked is something entirely different. In order to be properly yoked, one must fully know themselves in order to present themselves suitable for a relationship and what they do not know about themselves, they’ll have to learn and own later as they grow…hopefully, still together. Again, the key part of it all, is OWNERSHIP OF SELF and KNOWING WHO WE ARE.

Let me elaborate a little more…When I was younger, I was still working to find my identity as a young woman entering a relationship without fully understanding the multi-facets of whom I was. I was an extension of the relationship witnessed of my parents and other adults. I was part fantasy of what I imagined relationships should be like. I was carrying the weight of undisclosed sexual trauma. I was, as I imagined an ugly duckling whom the boys thought a swan. Given those traits and self-image (read, lack thereof), I was completely unprepared for relationships in spite of my age. I was essentially what could be considered “damaged goods” and I took all of that into the relationships I entered. I wanted to be loved for whom I was and that’s what I was, so that’s what they loved. How could they not? It’s what I gave them to work with. I also attracted what I was and what I was carrying; yet another reason I was loved the way I was. Two broken vessels can’t fix each other! So, again, the lyric holds itself true.

After one too many endings, I took time out to begin the healing process. I began to identify why I was attracting like-type men. I began to get to the root of why I regarded myself in a certain way, or the role my tolerances and lack of it at times had in relationships, and once I identified those things, I at least came to a clarity of understanding. This understanding is what we all need to get to when entering relationships; especially once we’re into our 30’s and beyond. We can’t continue to use our youth as an excuse. We can’t continue to use the hurts of yesteryear as a cop-out tool. We can’t place blame and make excuses for our internal conflicts and external behaviours. At some point, we must, I repeat; MUST take ownership for ourselves, for our lives, and for our relationships; especially the failed ones. Again, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

I’ve recently watch a relationships die and it saddened me. I watched two good people who were not good together marry and a decade later divorce. They looked great on paper, had the immediate qualities they were seeking, and wanted the same things from a marriage; however, the thing they lacked was the ownership of self. Neither party was equipped emotionally for what they wanted. They wanted to be loved for whom they were, but didn’t entirely know who they were. A sad reality of not just them, but many. The demise of my marriage was in part for at least one of those reasons. It’s been well over a decade for me to finally want to marry again and I didn’t blindly or through fantasy accept the proposal. I presented whom I was at the very beginning. I told him whom I was and what I wasn’t going to be to suit him. I laid my cards down face up on the table for him to see. Naturally, the hand doesn’t always play out openly or evenly; however, he can never say he didn’t know who I was. It took a little more time for him to mature into whom he is now, but the open and willingness on his part to stop hiding, stop being afraid, or feeling less than has paid off. Yes, relationships are work; however, if they require too much work, or more work than in necessary to sustain it, then it’s not working.

Truth in its form; in its entity; in and of itself in something that can’t be fabricated. Truth will always manifest itself in spite of how carefully one can strive to manipulate it. People trip up, they make mistakes, and they get caught out there leaving the Truth to always make itself known. Truth and Love are synonymous to me. One without the other doesn’t make the equation work. Truth is the foundation of life and without it, there will always be chaos; or at least more than is required necessary for balance.

In closing I’ll reiterate my point, when we ask someone to love for whom we are, we must at least know whom we are. We must be willing to pull back the many layers of our being and allow it to be seen and known. We can’t expect to be loved like a King or Queen and then act with the maturity of a prince or princess unworthy of the more lofty title. We can’t ask for love and not even know how to receive it; much less reciprocate. We are, in many ways mirrors of what we want and most assuredly what we attract. The Laws of Attraction are based on the Truth of what our spirits send into the world.

So, as I started is how I’ll end, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”


Lyrically Speaking; the truth…

As you all know I’m an avid music listener and the group I spoke of in my previous post, Kings of Convenience, has a song called ‘Misread’ that gave me so much room for pause that I had to look up the lyrics to ensure I heard what I thought I heard.

The loneliest people
Were the ones who always spoke the truth
The ones who made a difference
By withstanding the indifference

I felt in part they’d taken a chapter out of my life and unknowingly written about them.

I thought specifically to my childhood where, while surrounded by siblings, I felt constently alone and lonely; longing for some sense of inclusion. I knew why things were the way they were and when I voiced what I knew, thought, or felt, I was either forced by others to be silent or I remained quiet on my own accord in order to not face the wrath speaking what I probably shouldn’t have. Well, at least not in their eyes anyway. Indifference is something I came to live with that became an unwanted companion for many years.

I think of how these lyrics play into not just my life, but everyones. I think about how often the truth needs to be told, but it isn’t and how alienated those people are for saying it. So many claim they want the truth and then can’t handle it once it’s heard.  What a tangled web!

I have no additional thoughts; just needed to get that off my chest.

Live the life you love; love the life you live!

What we say…

Even without speaking, we send messages by our body language, interests, kindnesses, absence or presence, silence. Add words to the mix, and we have a recipe for remarkable impact, whether positive or negative. – Dr. Charles Stanley

When I read Dr. Stanley’s quote  this morning, I recalled how Bill Clinton’s body language and words were broken down after his speech endorsing President Obama and while I didn’t need analytical evidence to confirm much of what I already know, it was oddly good to have it broken down just a little bit further.  Why?  Because I’ve always known that silence can and does speak volumes and also because the expression, “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”, goes hand-in-hand with silence speaking volumes. 

Just because one is smiling; doesn’t mean they’re happy.  Their eyes, gesturing, and body language will confirm or deny their happiness.  However, because we condition ourselves to only grasp what is physically obvious, we neglect the benign message/truth in what’s really being said.  Simply put, we just don’t pay attention to the signs. 

We live in a world where virtual communication runs rampant and things can and do get misconstrued quickly and easily.  We forget that text can’t talk; therefore, don’t realistically convey our emotions and sentiments; regardless of the “lol” or supporting emoticons.  We’re a world distracted, dehumanized, distant, and often times without proper or adequate means of real expression.  Essentially, we’ve forgotten how to communicate, so things, as I previously stated, get missed. 

Language comes in many forms and Dr. Stanley expressed simply; though strongly how important communication in its various states.  We have to and need to be aware of what we’re saying at all times.  We have to make clear distinctions of saying what we mean and meaning what we say in word and supporting body language. 

Be our communication verbal or silent, it conveys a powerful energy, which should not be taken lightly.  It is our responsibility to know whether we’re articulating in the affirmative or the negative and how we’ll impact others. 

In the past two weeks, we’ve heard a lot of posturing from the various contingents of the Democratic and Republican parties.  We’ve heard the words, read between the lines, and even watched the body language.  How many of us were able to distinguish “the remarkable impact” they sent?  We have to remain in tuned family and it starts within.  It starts with each of us knowing how we speak and how to speak.  We must speak from truth.  We must speak from and with clarity.  We must know and understand the message we’re trying to convey.  We must listen to the inner voice that is often the voice of truth, reason; our intuition…our gut.  We must honour ourselves to live by positive word, action, and deed because body language can easily turn our so-called spoken truth into a lie.

I’ll close with this analogy.  A man says, “I love you” to his wife…words and then beats her…action/body language…”Even without speaking, we send messages by our body language, interests, kindnesses, absence or presence, silence. Add words to the mix, and we have a recipe for remarkable impact, whether positive or negative.”

Need I say more?

That is all!