This ain’t the Young & the Restless

I’m married to a man with two small kids; 13 and 10 and I coworker recently asked if I get along with my husbands ex and I said, “no!”  She then said, “oh, that’s a shame!”  And after the Divine put his hand over my mouth so I didn’t say what I really wanted to say, I took a breath and then said, “why is that?  I wasn’t aware that my having a friendship with her was a requirement.”  Sensing she’d crossed the line,  she went on to add, “I just figured for the sake of the kids it would be easier if everyone got along.”  That’s when I dodged the Divine intervention and went to to say, “this isn’t the Young & the Restless or any other show that romanticizes that exes can and should all get along; to include their new spouses or significant others.  (insert her stunned expression).  I then went on to add, “that’s the problem with society now, everyone believes the bs they see on tv or read in the papers.  As long as I get along with the kids, is what is important, not their mother.”  Her response after wishing she’d never been so bold as to make such an inquiry when we’re not even cool like that, was, “Yes, that’s what I meant.”  Really?  No, I think not.  I think she lives by some romanticized version of what she thinks life and relationships are or should be about.

Yes, I agree, we should all get along to a certain degree, but I don’t need to kicking it with his ex, holding conversation outside of what needs to be said, or having her as an active part of my life and current marriage to her ex-husband.  Furthermore, this woman has been rude and disrespectful to me and toward me, so again, why do I need to be cool with her?  As previously stated, as long as I get along with the kids and I’m not doing anything to harm them, is what’s important.

Since she opened to door to be all up in my business, I decided to give her an earful of fantasy versus reality.  My daughter’s father and I split amicably and shared custody of our daughter from age 3-17 when he passed.  I never got in his business; or he in mine.  We moved and lived on the same block, a small street and one house apart where we could stand in our respective driveways and wave at each other.  I didn’t go hang out at his house or he mine more than what was necessary.  His then wife and I were cool, and had on occasion hung out because we were in fact friends prior to their getting married.  No, I was not a fan of the idea; however, she and our daughter got along and I didn’t want anyone doing any shady ish behind my back, so I went along with it.  Once she tried to overstep her boundaries as a step-parent and doing shady ish, I ended that and reiterated to my ex that were the parents and any/all decisions and such are between us.  That buddy-buddy ish was for the birds for a plethora of reasons.

In closing, I added that his ex was not someone I’d kick it or be friends with even if she wasn’t his ex as our personalities are vastly different.  Furthermore, she’s a liar and untrustworthy; two qualities I abhour in a person.

So, after breaking it all down; certainly more than she bargained for, she apologized for over stepping.   “Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self” played loudly in my mental background.

Lesson of the day was: mind your own business and stop looking at life through rose-coloured glasses because “ain’t nobody got time f’dat”. Big shout out to Sweet Brown for that catch-phrase!

Tengo un bueno dia mi amors!

The Truth…

There ain’t no substitute for the truth either it is or isn’t

First let me give credit to India.Arie as I used a sample from her song The Truth.

Now, let me get into this post…

I had an epiphany today, which said, “A woman wants a man to love her for who she is, but very often, she doesn’t truly know who she is, so how can he do that without fallout? This is one of the reasons relationships fail.” The opening of this post came to me the moment the epiphany did.

I rested on that thought for a moment, text is to my Kinster (meaning kindred spirit in one of my female friends), as I knew she could both appreciate it and adequately comment on it.

As I continue to allow this thought to resonate within me, I find myself looking back at past relationships; loosely, I might add, as they’re in the past and honestly not always worth more than a moments reflections. In said reflection, I recall having said those very words in some very much like it. As the woman I am now, I realize some of those relationships failed simply because they loved me as and whom I was at that place in time. They weren’t wrong for that part of the relationship’s demise.

When we ask someone to love us for whom we are, we must first understand whom we are. We must know ourselves with and for our flaws and not apart from them. We must be willing to own our shortcomings; be responsible and accountable for how we regard ourselves as a whole; not fractured being; and most importantly, we must know how to be in a relationship. Relationships are more than checking a box on looks, sexual appeal, financial/employment status, fact-finding tactics, or whatever else is deemed criteria for a suitable partner. Relationships are two imperfect people; since no one is perfect (contrary to the belief of some) who are perfect together. That’s something I read somewhere by the way, and not something I came up with, but it doesn’t make it any less true. While I can apply humour to this, there is a lot of seriousness that comes with that being said. Imperfection is a human flaw; being perfectly yoked is something entirely different. In order to be properly yoked, one must fully know themselves in order to present themselves suitable for a relationship and what they do not know about themselves, they’ll have to learn and own later as they grow…hopefully, still together. Again, the key part of it all, is OWNERSHIP OF SELF and KNOWING WHO WE ARE.

Let me elaborate a little more…When I was younger, I was still working to find my identity as a young woman entering a relationship without fully understanding the multi-facets of whom I was. I was an extension of the relationship witnessed of my parents and other adults. I was part fantasy of what I imagined relationships should be like. I was carrying the weight of undisclosed sexual trauma. I was, as I imagined an ugly duckling whom the boys thought a swan. Given those traits and self-image (read, lack thereof), I was completely unprepared for relationships in spite of my age. I was essentially what could be considered “damaged goods” and I took all of that into the relationships I entered. I wanted to be loved for whom I was and that’s what I was, so that’s what they loved. How could they not? It’s what I gave them to work with. I also attracted what I was and what I was carrying; yet another reason I was loved the way I was. Two broken vessels can’t fix each other! So, again, the lyric holds itself true.

After one too many endings, I took time out to begin the healing process. I began to identify why I was attracting like-type men. I began to get to the root of why I regarded myself in a certain way, or the role my tolerances and lack of it at times had in relationships, and once I identified those things, I at least came to a clarity of understanding. This understanding is what we all need to get to when entering relationships; especially once we’re into our 30’s and beyond. We can’t continue to use our youth as an excuse. We can’t continue to use the hurts of yesteryear as a cop-out tool. We can’t place blame and make excuses for our internal conflicts and external behaviours. At some point, we must, I repeat; MUST take ownership for ourselves, for our lives, and for our relationships; especially the failed ones. Again, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

I’ve recently watch a relationships die and it saddened me. I watched two good people who were not good together marry and a decade later divorce. They looked great on paper, had the immediate qualities they were seeking, and wanted the same things from a marriage; however, the thing they lacked was the ownership of self. Neither party was equipped emotionally for what they wanted. They wanted to be loved for whom they were, but didn’t entirely know who they were. A sad reality of not just them, but many. The demise of my marriage was in part for at least one of those reasons. It’s been well over a decade for me to finally want to marry again and I didn’t blindly or through fantasy accept the proposal. I presented whom I was at the very beginning. I told him whom I was and what I wasn’t going to be to suit him. I laid my cards down face up on the table for him to see. Naturally, the hand doesn’t always play out openly or evenly; however, he can never say he didn’t know who I was. It took a little more time for him to mature into whom he is now, but the open and willingness on his part to stop hiding, stop being afraid, or feeling less than has paid off. Yes, relationships are work; however, if they require too much work, or more work than in necessary to sustain it, then it’s not working.

Truth in its form; in its entity; in and of itself in something that can’t be fabricated. Truth will always manifest itself in spite of how carefully one can strive to manipulate it. People trip up, they make mistakes, and they get caught out there leaving the Truth to always make itself known. Truth and Love are synonymous to me. One without the other doesn’t make the equation work. Truth is the foundation of life and without it, there will always be chaos; or at least more than is required necessary for balance.

In closing I’ll reiterate my point, when we ask someone to love for whom we are, we must at least know whom we are. We must be willing to pull back the many layers of our being and allow it to be seen and known. We can’t expect to be loved like a King or Queen and then act with the maturity of a prince or princess unworthy of the more lofty title. We can’t ask for love and not even know how to receive it; much less reciprocate. We are, in many ways mirrors of what we want and most assuredly what we attract. The Laws of Attraction are based on the Truth of what our spirits send into the world.

So, as I started is how I’ll end, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

Blu

First place; second…

I read this article Second Wives Club over at MadameNoire.Com and found it and the ensuing comments riddled with a myriad of reasons why being The Second Wife was a bad thing. Here’s my take on why it’s not necessarily the case.

A man married and subsequently divorced could be a measure of many things, but one never knows unless they ask the questions needed to get to the truth; well, at least his version of it should determine whether or not those reasons are good enough for you to pursue a relationship with him. That aside for a moment, let us consider this, which was not raised…For the most part, we are all someone’s second.  Being a second girlfriend exposes us to some of the same dramas, issues, ups, downs, as being a second wife; it’s on the title that changes.   If he cheated in his previous relationship, he may very well cheat again with his second.  If he had a trifling baby mama, she could very well be a burden in his second relationship.  The list continues without my having to bring it forward.  Being a second at anything isn’t always bad unless the women enjoys being a mistress and that in and of itself is a whole other issue.

The many comments from the article suggested the drama of the first wife, children, finances, etc could become problems in the second marriage.  While I don’t disagree with that, I don’t think it makes being the second wife a bad thing unless he’s not doing his part to ensure the future wife is protected from such bullshiggity.  In addition, it’s the second Mrs. that has to do her due diligence to determine whether or not she can or will want to deal with any negativity that may carry over from his first marriage.  The woman has a role and is the deciding factor in her moving forward as Mrs. Number Two.

From my personal experience, I spoke to issues and concerns with My Love in regards to his ex-wife and their children. I spoke to that which I would and wouldn’t tolerate and how his children’s behaviour could impact not his and my relationship.  We addressed my concerns and came to solutions in order to alleviate any potential stress or drama.  I am not friends, nor do I need to be with his ex, but we’re amicable and can be around each other as a situation dictates without incident.

It annoys and galls me that women find the need to be so damned insecure, petty, catty, and the likes when both she and he have divorced.  As long as the kids are taken care of, support as dictated or agreed to has been established, and there is no slandering of the respective new party, why should there be drama?  Granted, there are those who are just so ignorant, insecure, and short-sighted to move on with their lives that can and will find ways to be a nuisance, but to what end?  Showing ones ass only makes a situation worse all around and no one has time for that nonsense; well, I don’t.

Marriages fall apart and just because the first one did is not indicative that the second one will.  Sometimes good people simply aren’t good together for whatever reason, so why not allow themselves to move on and try again?  At least for better reasons!

Both My Love and I are divorced.  I have no dealings or contact with my ex since we didn’t have children together, but My Love has two children with his and shared custody so there is always going to be interaction with her in some way.  I’ve firmly stated my ground and reiterate it where necessary.  I’ve spoken my peace regarding his children and that has been abided by.  I’m the mother of a 22-year old daughter; therefore, I’ve had a lot of experience with raising a child; a lot of which can and will save him from a lot of drama; especially with his daughter.  Yes, she’s her own person and will do her own thing; however, my experience and influence should not and fortunately is not discarded or discounted.  His son is a whole different ball game, but a child is a child and their traits are quite similar and I’ve had stepson’s in my previous marriage.  Experience I’m not without!

First place is always striven for; however, second place has its merits too.  The second time around comes with seasoning and refinement.  The second time has given you a different life perspective that didn’t come the first time around.  An awareness, a sense of self, a growth and maturity, and a want for something that lacked the first time is a gift that comes with appreciation and not expectation.  The second time comes with a desire for greater success and a willingness to do more.

I’ve been the second, third, forth in many relationships; my former marriage included, but at no time did I ever discount myself for that ranking.  I’ve learned and grown with each experience to be at the place I am now.  Of all my relationships, the one with myself has been a hard-earned one.  I was second to myself to the deficit for quite some time and it wasn’t until I corrected negatively learned things, that I finally came into myself.  No one in the article seemed to consider that!  We don’t come into our initial relationships whole, we have to go through many trails and errors in order to be crafted into the fullness and wholeness we become; or at least hope to become before we can be worthy of being a First and so few of us are.  To those fortunate to have found The One and The ONLY, I applaud them, but I also know it’s not without work to maintain that.  My favourite male cousin has been married for over 30 years, but I know there was infidelity on his part; she didn’t know, or at least I don’t think she did.  I know there were many trials and struggles to maintain a marriage of that duration and I wholly applaud that.  However, I still will not discount those second marriages.  We all need something negative in order to experience and appreciate the positive.  Sometimes love is better the second time around!

 

Yea, I said it!

Transition

I’m in an awkward place in my life right now and it causing a myriad of mixed emotions.  I’m in a life transition; women stuff! I knew it was coming; it’s inevitable, but it isn’t sitting well with me.  Why? Because it has a couple other dance partners on its card and quite honestly, it’s a quite a lot to handle.

Ordinarily, I do well multi-tasking; it’s what I do and quite frankly do pretty well; however, this, these transitions are happening hard and fast and oftentimes without warning. The life (woman) transition causes mood swings either high or low, are causing me to want to retreat into my own world where I don’t want to interact outside of what is deemed necessary.  I’m fortunate that due to a medically induced physiological chemistry change I underwent almost seven years ago, I’m somewhat armed and prepared for what I’m going through (and will continue to go through), but it doesn’t make it any easier when a certain unwanted “aunt” makes unscheduled appearances causing me to remain in a heightened state of womanly awareness.   That drama aside, I endure and deal with it accordingly.

The other transition is that I’m in the last quarter of my old year and while I look forward to my forthcoming new one, I’m a bit torn over its inception.  Forty-seven will be an in between stage.  No longer 45 and not quite 50.  I’m happy with my growth and accomplishments this past year and have dealt with many things and people in a manner that has been conducive to me not having a mental health breakdown or facing indictment.  I embrace the serenity prayer in its entirety, hold steadfast to my faith, live in a fashion that best suits me and my needs and not under the scrutiny of what society thinks is appropriate for me, and am thankful for the close few who are always in my corner.  The place I’m in my life right now; as long as I don’t completely lose it (refer back to the aforementioned transition)  will be the mental and emotion segway to what could most likely be an amazing turning point in my life.

The final transition is by far the biggest, most fearful, most life-altering of all…Moving in with My Love.  I understand it’s a normal and expected part of relationship maturity; however, I’m finding my understanding and happiness bordered with angst, trepidation,  confusion, conformance.  It’s been more than a decade since I’ve lived with a man and small children.  Lil Lady is now 22 and has been out of the house for +/- two years and although I was okay with her living and being at home, it was still an adjustment.  While her father still alive, she and I only lived together two weeks a  month because she’d spend alternating weeks at my house and her fathers.  Given his and my former proximity, there were times when I saw her almost daily, but we still didn’t live together daily and hadn’t since she was about four years old.  Yes, quite a transition for me. I had a roommate and temporary house guests from time to time, but these past four years have been mostly lived by myself.  I’m neat, orderly, and territorial.  The latter being hard for many to understand.  Personally, I don’t know what’s so hard to understand about that. It’s my space, my things, please leave them alone and ask if you want access.  That’s just politeness in my opinion.  Being with a man who has small children was the mother of all transitions, but I’ve fared well over the past almost four years…living with this will be the mother’s grandmother of transitions.  Don’t get me know, I’m not complaining; merely being honest here.

The combination of these transitions occupies my mind daily, although the pre-birthday one is the least of the three in terms of mind occupancy.  I’m prepared for that. I make this transition annually and prepare for it typically with vim and vigour.  This year, given the two accompanying ones, it seems a bit overwhelming I suppose.

I don’t know how I’ll fully navigate the first and last; hopefully with grace; though I anticipate there will be some meltdowns from time to time.  Hormones and angst are a bad mix. I’ll have to talk to LadyLee about that; her being a chemist an all.  Jokes aside, I’m just venting, being honest, and using this as a means to express that which I haven’t said to My Love yet…I will though!

If any of my sage readers have any words of comfort, understanding, empathy, etc. please don’t hesitate to share.

 

Yea, I said it!

Lies the Fairy Tales told…

Even as a child, I was never inclined to believe in Fairy Tales. I always found the characters rather unbelievable and the so-called heroines a bit pathetic. I do like some of the newer ‘Fairy Tales’, such as Brave and The Secret Life of Arriety, where the heroines actually believe in something other than a handsome prince to come to their rescue. These characters believed in their own strengths and weaknesses, fought for what they thought was right for them, and stood up against implied feminine protocols.

As a child, I was not dissimilar to those characters. I fortunately wasn’t raised to be a ‘princess’; though there was an implied expectation of what was the stereotyped decorum. Regardless of that expectation, I ran with the best of the boys in the neighbourhood; got dirty, climbed walls and fences, got into fights; typically with boys, and wore my scrapes and scratched as a badge of honour when I wasn’t hiding them from my father. These kinds of antics for a girl were typically frowned upon and we were dubbed ‘Tom Boys’, which I think is wrong. Why couldn’t we simply be accepted for our diverse interest in things that weren’t stereotypical or gender-specific?! Conversely to my running with the boys, I tidied up well and quite enjoyed wearing skirts and dresses.

As the mother of a daughter, I did not impose colour or gender-specific things upon her, nor did I treat her like a princess. Yes, she was her mother and fathers pride and joy and her grandmother dubbed her Princess, but she wasn’t treated with kid gloves, kept ultra clean and graced with pink, sparkles, and lace. Yes, we read her some of the Fairy Tales, but they were never allowed to be imbedded as her mode of living and life expectation. We allowed her the freedom to pick and choose her activities, toys, and other childhood ventures.

Cultural and social exposure played a very active role in Lil Lady’s development. She was taken to various types of places and raised with an awareness of the ‘haves’ and ‘have nots’ so she could appreciate what she herself had. She took her first road trip at five days old, her first in-country flight at five months old, and her first international flight at 20 months. Throughout each other these ventures, I was met with a mixed bag of praise and criticism. Some thought it was good that I was exposing her early to life; while others thought I should “wait until she’s older” or “she’s a little princess and shouldn’t be this or that”. Yea, whatever! She was my daughter and I’d do as I pleased as long as neither of us was put in harms way.

Like the constant emphasis in fairy Tales, I’d often hear how beautiful my daughter was as if that’s all she was. I acknowledged that they knew nothing else about her and as soon as she was in school and proved her academic prowess, I was sure to let people know that in addition to her looks, she was an Honour Roll student. I never wanted her to be seen or known solely for her looks. I always taught her that Pretty Smart was leagues better than Pretty Dumb as she’d much more than her looks to get her through life. Granted, looks can and will get you a step up, but without content of character, common sense, and a good skill set, what would she have to fall back on? This is the premise in which so many girls are raised and it needs to be changed. Girls can very much be Princesses; however, they need to taught and learn there is more to them and for them than looks and the handsome Prince coming to their rescue.

This teaching can lead to emotionally weak women who live life through rose coloured glasses where their romantic outlook on relationships and life puts them in a deficit because they think life conforms to the lie they’ve bought into. Fairy tales have led to divorce, emotional, physical and mental abuse, and in some ways, created a breed of women who will either blame everyone else but themselves for the demise of relationships of their lack of love; or they raise daughters with inflated senses of self, entitlement, or the same voice as their mothers because the mother has not fixed what was broken in herself before raising her daughter. Cycles of dysfunction only break when one gets to the root of their issue and stops believing the fantasy sold to them.

I’m pleased that there are some societal changes are occurring to better empower our daughters and I pray that the influences I have on my future stepdaughter and my goddaughter will broaden their life outlook and allow them to be more than “pretty in pink”. I also hope they’ll be more like Merida from Brave and Arriety and not allow society and their peers to dictate what they should do because “they’re girls”.

Lastly, I’d like to add that I co-authored a monologue for a student I was mentoring with the same title as this post where she used it to speak of her lack of relationship with her father. It served as a great healing tool for her. 🙂 Let’s be careful of the seeds we plant for our children; especially our daughters to grow upon.

Yea, I said it!

Fantasy vs Reality Part 2

I previously posted Fantasy vs. Reality Part 1

where I spoke about relationships as we create them to be and what they actually are.

I’m still reading the book: The Adventures of a Love Investigator, 527 Naked Men & One Woman – Barbara Silkstone that inspired the post and the more I read it, the more I see how and why so many relationships thrive or fail. I’m encouraged that the men are speaking so freely, openly, and honestly to the women interviewing them because they’re speaking truths; albeit their own, but it can be a truth none the less.

I think of this statement, “How do you take the first steps toward divorce? You marry the wrong person.” I can’t tell you how true this is. I did it. The writing was on the wall in my marriage from the very start. I was involved with a man who was cheating on his wife. He also cheated on my while cheating on her, which should have been enough for me to let him go, but I thought I was completely in love with him and he thought the same. Writing these words, Tina Turner’s ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It?’ Comes to mind and I laugh a sad laugh because it’s true. Love can very often be exactly what you want it to be and in my case, I wanted it to be him. I’d had a crush on him since I was 19, but avoided a relationship due our eight year age difference and I was months shy of starting my military career, which would and have to take precedence over a relationship. Years later, we came back into each other lives and I thought it was fate for us to be together, but it was yet another left turn. When we finally became a couple it was almost founded on duress after a close mutual friend told him I was too nice a girl to waiting around and certainly didn’t deserve to be a side piece.

Long story short, all the signs that I’d previously ignored shone so brightly they couldn’t be ignored anymore and after some initial trying, we couldn’t make it work and divorced. The ironic part of it all is that he and I were such good friends initially and we seemed like one of those couple who’d remain friends even after a break up, but that wasn’t to be. The absolute saddest part of it all was/is all the things he initially loved about me, became all the things he grew to hate; hence, the opening quote.

I know quite a few people I’ve had to have the “good people aren’t always good together” talk with based on my own experience, common sense, and that state of their relationship. We have to learn that signs are there for a reason. They’re God’s little whisper to us to pay attention, but given that most of us are completely hard-headed, we ignore the signs, forge onward, and then wonder “how did I get here” too late after the fact.

I’ve learned the importance of knowing myself before entering into a relationship because I didn’t want to be one of those “women..guilty of inserting themselves into the man-puzzle when it suits their agenda…” which so many, many women do. It’s a tremendously bad and damaging position to hold and she’ll ultimately do more harm than good in the relationship. I’ve also certainly taken every effort to know whom I’m getting involved with. My Love and I didn’t have it easy in the beginning, but with time, patience, and lots of open and honest dialogue we saw through the issues to make things work. I hold no fantasies of what our lives could and would be, but accepted the reality of our many differences, life experiences, and life goals, which are far more important. I reserve fantasy for my celebrity crushes! 😉

Yea, I said it!

On Being Mary-Jane…

Being #2

For those familiar with the BET show Being Mary-Jane, I don’t need to refresh you with the clip, but for those unfamiliar, here’s a quick synopsis, “The series centers on successful talk show host Mary Jane Paul (played by Gabrielle Union), her professional and private family life, while searching for “Mr. Right”. Mary Jane Paul has it all: she’s a successful TV news anchor, entirely self-sufficient – an all-around powerhouse who remains devoted to a family that doesn’t share her motivation. As Mary Jane juggles her life, her work and her commitment to her family, we find out how far she’s willing to go to find the puzzle pieces that she, and society, insist are missing from her life as a single Black female.”   That’s compliments of Wikipedia. I’ll add what they didn’t…she’s a mistress!

I reluctantly began watching the show because I’m not a fan of BET or Gabrielle Union, but since the show is mostly worth watching and represents a better cross-section of black women than the Real Housewives of Wherever, Love and Hip-Hop, or whatever faux reality show that’s on, it’s gotten my attention.  I can identify with the issues, concerns, family drama, etc that the show illustrates; even down to the adulterous relationship that Mary-Jane is caught up in.  As black women, we’ve either been party to an affair by participation or by knowing someone who’s been in or is in such a relationship. While I admit to having been a party to an adulterous relationship, I certainly don’t condone them nor would I ever partake in one again regardless of why he’s stepping out.

When I saw the episode in which the clip pertains to, I was gobsmacked by her brazen albeit slick comeback to the wife of the man she’s sleeping with.

Personally, I think the wife had every reason to throw shade and make snarky comments to MJ because regardless of the state of her marriage, she’s still married and doesn’t need her husbands mistress trying to check her.  MJ needed to know her place as the mistress and keep her trap shut. Verbally assaulting the wife did nothing more than make her look even less of a woman to the wife and strengthen any case that can be made against her. 

What this show and episode also showed me is how desperate some black women are to have a man.  Yea, I get there’s a so-called shortage of black men, but it can’t possibly be that bad that they’re content being a mistress.  Whatever they’re getting from that man to fill the void in their lives still doesn’t make him hers when he goes home to wife and kids if he has any.  There’s little that they can do in public because they’re not supposed to be together in the first place.  The sex will always be good because in many respects that’s what brought them together in the first place.  They create issues where trust and fidelity is concerned because he’s already stepping out, which violates the trust in his marriage and how can she really trust him anyway when his integrity leaves much to be desired.  And how can he fully trust that she’s not getting her blanks filled in when he’s not around?  There are too many negatives that come with being the mistress.  Women as successful at MJ is purported to be in the show, she could consider dating outside her race.  Yes, I realize the newness of it, the cultural and social differences, and whatever other reasons one can come up with, but why not?  With variety being the spice of life, I think it opens the playing field that much more instead of settling for being a mistress. 

I can raise the same issue with Scandal where Olivia is having an affair with the President and again, I’m not condoning infidelity, at least in this case, his wife knows and pretty much has sanctioned it.  Well, until she has one of her little pissy fits, but outside of that, she’s presents herself to be fine with it.  The stark difference between the two characters is that MJ always carries an air of being clingy, stifling, and even needy where Olivia can and does function without those traits.  That not to say she doesn’t love, want or need her lover for the same reasons MJ does hers, but at least she doesn’t come off pathetic and even when she had relationships with other men, she was open about her actions. 

I know drama sells and we all love a good scandal; no pun intended, but wouldn’t it be nice to actually see a show that promotes a monogamous relationship equipped with its highs and lows instead of being overly indulgent in adultery, inappropriate behaviour from alleged adults, or making women look petty and rather skanky? 

I think infidelity and being someone’s side piece need not be celebrated as almost a rite of passage.  I want to see men and women refrain from settling for being less than honest, respectful, and have emotional integrity.  I’d like to see men and women actually communicate with each other instead talking about each other to their friends or lovers.  I know relationships are work, but would we simply quit a job because the benefits changed or our coworkers stop speaking to each other?  I highly doubt it, but people aren’t putting in the work anymore and they damn sure aren’t being honest. 

In closing I’ll say this.  When I did have a relationship with a married man and he shared his home life issue with me, I told him he needed to talk to her and confront their issues.  I told him he needed to look inward and see where he was deficient in order to get through his crisis.  I didn’t want to be his crutch, his comfort zone when his home was chaos, and I damn sure didn’t want to be a catalyst for his leaving if that’s what he chose to do.  There’s a lot of drama that comes with entering into a monogamous relationship with someone you were once the side piece for and it’s something that can make or break said relationship; trust me I know.  I married the man I was once having an affair with…He later cheated on me. 

Men and women out there, please be careful.  We reap what we sow.  It’s better to cultivate your own yard and figure out how to keep it relatively weed free than to think the grass in greener on the other side.  Just a little food for thought.

 

Yea, I said that!