Given the amount of adversity I’ve overcome over the years, I would have thought I’d be better at taking on the newly acquired challenges I faced between Feb 2010 and Nov 11, but death is nothing you are ever prepared for. Death has a way of reminding you that you aren’t in control of much and that the clichéd expression; “life’s too short”, becomes the neon sign flashing in your small window of life. It opens your eyes to what you’ve done, what you said you’d do, and most poignantly; what you haven’t done. It becomes that defining moment where you start to calculate and evaluate the purpose of your being here. You become reflective and the sum of yourself and those you call friends, family, etc, gets thrown in a sieve and you start to tap it to see what or who stays and what or whom comes out and when you look at the results; sadly there’s not as much left as you thought. Trust me, that is a decidedly sobering moment.
When the man I’d planned a child with, died 28 March 10 at the tender age of 46, the world as I knew it changed effective immediately; and not just for me, but for our daughter too. Lil Lady is an only child to both of us and has always been the love of our lives and the one thing we treasured the most. Basically, she has been our greatest achievement of all. While we didn’t last as a couple, we lasted as friends and co-parents; giving the best of ourselves to and for her. Knowing that that the triangular bond we shared was now missing a piece was something neither of us could have imagined would happen so suddenly. Life as we knew it was no more. There would be no more hearing his Harley roaring down the street as he left for his runs. There would be no more shared events for or with our daughter. There would be no inside jokes; those are most precious with us. There would be nothing but memories. Memories are the gift of reliving a moment and while they’re warming and precious, they still are nothing like actually having that person around. You suddenly realize that there is so much more to life that needs to be explored, created, and most of all LIVED. There are no do-overs, no second chances, and what was left unsaid; remains unsaid. All of the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s become the sad reminder of not being open or keeping it real. The lost loved one can’t hear what should have been said in life; hence, the importance of being vocal now while you have the chance. I’ll admit to being guilty of “all the things left unsaid”, and that’s a post for another day, but trust me when I tell you, that’s a heavy burden to carry. The weight of silence is backbreaking.
More than a year later, I’m still grieving and it still hurts like hell. It hasn’t gotten easier because I didn’t have time to grieve when he passed. I was too busy tending Lil Lady, helping with his estate, and trying to find reemployment amidst all the other daily requirements I had. There was no time to fall apart, have a lasting moment, or even wrap my head around what had happened.
For 2012, it’s my plan to work through my grief, come to terms with the loss, and be thankful for his presence in our lives from the time of conception to the time of his untimely passing. I will as I’ve done over the years always see him for the caring and sweet person he was and most of all for being in his daughter’s life. As I said, we didn’t make it as a couple, but we were committed to each other for our daughter and that’s the greatest reward there is. Our fights were few, our good times varied, but our bond is eternal. When I look at Lil Lady, I see him in her. I see his features, parts of his personality, and most of the all; the greatest gift to my life. He will live on through her and for that alone; I have to make it in this life.
That is all!