Yea, I said it!
I’m in an awkward place in my life right now and it causing a myriad of mixed emotions. I’m in a life transition; women stuff! I knew it was coming; it’s inevitable, but it isn’t sitting well with me. Why? Because it has a couple other dance partners on its card and quite honestly, it’s a quite a lot to handle.
Ordinarily, I do well multi-tasking; it’s what I do and quite frankly do pretty well; however,
this, these transitions are happening hard and fast and oftentimes without warning. The life (woman) transition causes mood swings either high or low, are causing me to want to retreat into my own world where I don’t want to interact outside of what is deemed necessary. I’m fortunate that due to a medically induced physiological chemistry change I underwent almost seven years ago, I’m somewhat armed and prepared for what I’m going through (and will continue to go through), but it doesn’t make it any easier when a certain unwanted “aunt” makes unscheduled appearances causing me to remain in a heightened state of womanly awareness. That drama aside, I endure and deal with it accordingly.
The other transition is that I’m in the last quarter of my old year and while I look forward to my forthcoming new one, I’m a bit torn over its inception. Forty-seven will be an in between stage. No longer 45 and not quite 50. I’m happy with my growth and accomplishments this past year and have dealt with many things and people in a manner that has been conducive to me not having a mental health breakdown or facing indictment. I embrace the serenity prayer in its entirety, hold steadfast to my faith, live in a fashion that best suits me and my needs and not under the scrutiny of what society thinks is appropriate for me, and am thankful for the close few who are always in my corner. The place I’m in my life right now; as long as I don’t completely lose it (refer back to the aforementioned transition) will be the mental and emotion segway to what could most likely be an amazing turning point in my life.
The final transition is by far the biggest, most fearful, most life-altering of all…Moving in with My Love. I understand it’s a normal and expected part of relationship maturity; however, I’m finding my understanding and happiness bordered with angst, trepidation, confusion, conformance. It’s been more than a decade since I’ve lived with a man and small children. Lil Lady is now 22 and has been out of the house for +/- two years and although I was okay with her living and being at home, it was still an adjustment. While her father still alive, she and I only lived together two weeks a month because she’d spend alternating weeks at my house and her fathers. Given his and my former proximity, there were times when I saw her almost daily, but we still didn’t live together daily and hadn’t since she was about four years old. Yes, quite a transition for me. I had a roommate and temporary house guests from time to time, but these past four years have been mostly lived by myself. I’m neat, orderly, and territorial. The latter being hard for many to understand. Personally, I don’t know what’s so hard to understand about that. It’s my space, my things, please leave them alone and ask if you want access. That’s just politeness in my opinion. Being with a man who has small children was the mother of all transitions, but I’ve fared well over the past almost four years…living with this will be the mother’s grandmother of transitions. Don’t get me know, I’m not complaining; merely being honest here.
The combination of these transitions occupies my mind daily, although the pre-birthday one is the least of the three in terms of mind occupancy. I’m prepared for that. I make this transition annually and prepare for it typically with vim and vigour. This year, given the two accompanying ones, it seems a bit overwhelming I suppose.
I don’t know how I’ll fully navigate the first and last; hopefully with grace; though I anticipate there will be some meltdowns from time to time. Hormones and angst are a bad mix. I’ll have to talk to LadyLee about that; her being a chemist an all. Jokes aside, I’m just venting, being honest, and using this as a means to express that which I haven’t said to My Love yet…I will though!
If any of my sage readers have any words of comfort, understanding, empathy, etc. please don’t hesitate to share.
Yea, I said it!