Rightful places

“Just because someone has to be a part of your life; doesn’t mean they have to be IN your life. Be careful of bonds you share and the effect it has on others.” Blu Jewel

I posted this on Facebook this morning as I pondered the varying roles people play in our lives. I’ve found we have a tendency to make excuses for, over compensate, or tolerate the presense certain people have in our lives and often do not consider how it could or can affect others.

Speaking from the perspective of someone who is still close friends with a couple people I’ve had intimate relationships with, I’ve always tendered a careful integration of the maintenance of that friendship against my being in a relationship. Some can tolerate their significant other or spouse being friends with a past love fully; some can do it with a level of compromise, while there are others who can not and will not. Full disclosure has worked for me and I’ve made adjustments or concessions where or if necessary in order to be mindful and respectful to all affected. Given then I’m extending full disclosure, I want it reciprocated in order to achieve the desired outcome of complete trust, respect, and privacy.

In matters of ex-spouses; primarily ones where children are involved, there is always going to be contact and communication for the sake of the children. In some cases there will be shared events and occasions where contact will be more than superficial. Based on my experience with Lil Lady’s father, we maintained healthy communication for our daughter, with a level of concern for the well being of each other, as our relationship; though no longer intimate affected our daughter. We did not get in each others business, we did not over-share, and we certainly didn’t give each other play by plays of our daily activities. The terms of our parental relationship were clearly defined and when there was the introduction of a significant other on each of our parts, we honoured the sanctity of the respective relationship by again maintaining healthy and respectful boundaries.

It is my firm belief that once the relationship has been terminated, what I or the other person does should no longer be of any consequence to the other. Where I/he shops, where I/he goes, etc, should no longer become a part of daily conversation. We separated for a reason and the constant exchange should be limited to what is necessary and appropriate; hence, being a part or each others lives and not in each others lives. The constant inclusion; especially when the split-parties are in other relationships can and will have an adverse effect on the relationship. The new person will feel that their privacy; as simple as it may be, will now be violated and the sanctity of the new relationship now becomes tainted.

It’s my humble opinion that a relationship has to endure enough between two parties and does not need the inclusion and intrusion of an ex. I further and firmly believe that communication is the foundation of any and all relationships and if it’s tested by constantly having to worry about the disclosure of information being shared; no matter how simple with a third party, it will be hindered and create the breeding grounds for an argument.

I have a friend whom I had a 14.5 year on again; off again relationship with and we’ve shared just about every detail of our lives with each other. When he or I was in a relationship with someone else, we did not make it our business to share details of it with each other unless it was absolutely necesseary for sounding board purposes, and even then it was issued with a level of restraint and respect. The daily activities of each others lives were of no conseqence; nor was it deemed necessary or appropriate. We are still friends to date and there is nothing but platonic contact between us, we do not discuss my current relationship. Save for one occasion where my response prompted him to ask what was really going on, he knows nothing other than things are good. In fact, not even my nearest and dearest friends are included in the everyday dealings of my relationship. I think it’s important to be able to share; however, it’s not always healthy. People take sides; form opinions, and can be more of a hindrance than help in some instances. However, I digress because I’m swaying slightly off topic.

My point is; we need to keep people in their rightful places. Exes are exes for a reason and contact outside of what is necessary is weight-bearing to a new relationship. I’m fully mindful and encouraging a healthy contact and maintaining a friendship that is in keeping with the confines of shared children. What I find intrusive is one or both parties thinking it’s okay and acceptable to maintain daily inclusions in each other’s lives. Just because the new person hasn’t said anything, doesn’t mean they’re not cognizant of what’s going on. And if they have spoken on it and the behaviour continues without the new person knowing; or there is the impression they do not know; it has now become a lie by omission. Lies by omission are still lies and what is done in the dark can and will come to light. Again, relationships are hard enough, why make them harder by being inconsiderate?

I challenge you to evaluate yourself and your relationships and where necessary; take corrective action to honour the person you’re with and if none is needed, I then challenge you to improve on the relationship you have and be mindful of people you have or let in your lives.

That is all!

Real and funny conversation with co-worker

The following is an Instant Message conversation I had with a co-worker post having overheard some of his lunch conversation regarding the comment Rush Limbaugh made.

ME: Hi! So, am I a slut?

CW: nice way to start off the morning…first of all, I think women need to take back the word so that it isn’t so negative. Male sluts are heroes. 2) a slut is a sexually promiscuous woman; sleeping around. From what I know of you, that is not you.

ME: No, I am certainly not that. In fact, I was teasing you as I overheard some of your conversation during lunch yesterday and that’s what prompted the message. Sadly, men fail to realize that sex is typically a hetrosexual act that they too participate in, so if they’re sleeping around with a woman who’s sleeping around, they’re equally promiscuous; sluts, and should be equally tagged as such. However, you and I know that there is no true equality and women will always be greater of the two evils. I am sexually liberated in thought and limited practice and feel that women should be and allowed to be free of such negative labeling, but again, this is a male dominated and driven society, which prides itself on demeaning anyone who does not live in conformance to what they deem is appropriate, even though they make themselves hypocrites in the process. If someone wants to deem me a slut, whore, or whatever for my liberal views on sex and the practice thereof, is fine because people will say what they want regardless of what they know for fact or conjecture. Sex within the confines of a relationship is no better or worse than sex outside of one; save for the labeling. But if one has had several relationships over the course of their lives, that tends to equate to sex with each partner, so could that not also deem one a slut or promiscuous? The whole thing should be something that has no merit to politicians. Contraception is necessary for both pregnancy protection and health maintenance. If they’re going to deem contraception immoral for lack of better word and an unnecessary coverage through insurance, then Cialis and it’s counterparts; should likewise not be covered. ED does not prevent a man from urinating; it prevents adequate sexual performance and sex is NOT a health condition. As you can tell, this discussion can go on for days and become rather convoluted.

CW: I was wondering what prompted the question. You were eavesdropping. I like that makes me wonder who else eavesdrops on our lunch conversations

ME: You were louder than you might have thought you were talking

CW: I think if they have a problem with it, they should just write in the insurance contract that they do cover contraception, but not for sluts. Of course, using the conservative definition of ‘an unmarried, sexually active woman.’

ME: riiiight! that’s gonna work

CW: c’mon. if you want to discriminate, then just spell out your discrimination

ME: so that’s tantamount to saying married woman can get contraceptives, but their engaged or in a relationship counterparts can’t.

CW: isn’t that what Georgetown is saying?

ME: semantics will always be used or at least considered, but it’s all bullsh*t

CW: actually, Georgetown, being Catholic, may not want to cover contraceptives at all

ME: well, men on boy sex doesn’t require contraceptives anyway

CW: pills are also much safer than hangers

ME: they are, but STDs can still occur. Sadly, many don’t realize that some are passed orally

CW: true. I agree with you on these principles, but I don’t think the Gubment should be telling insurance companies what they must and must not cover. If you don’t like the insurance, don’t buy it
ME: LOL @ gubment. And you’re right; they should not, but they line the pockets of some of the gubment folk, so they’ll tow the line with them. Not buying the insurance isn’t that easy because we all need coverage and tend to have to opt for the health plan the company we work for provides.

End of conversation. 

My co-worker and I often engage in social discuss where we bounce thoughts and ideas off each other and it’s interesting to have captured this one in writing.  So, what are YOUR thoughts?

That is all!

Random rantings and other miscellanous stuff

This speaks for itself

Someone please find Farnsworth Bentley and give him his G’s to Gents show back. The desire to pull the pants down of the next knucklehead I see with his pants under his butt is becoming stronger by the day 😕
 

 

NOT happy about this Racist bumper sticker as seen on some _)*%T)(*%$*%)’s car!

By refusing to be a victim, you claim your victory and take control. BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE!

Sometimes I want to perform a random act of badness!

I’m still suspect of brothers in ATL and the DC-metro area. If you’re gay, just be that; stop frontin!

If being black is such a bad thing, why are more and more white people still emulating our speech, fashion, and music?

Even though I made the decision to not need contraceptives, I will fight for those who do want and need it.

I know it’s hard given the mentality of many in the community, but we, as strong, successful, and educated women need to get out there and start mentoring; so many of the young women I see out there are groomed to a life of doom.

To all the Rush Limbaugh’s out there…I DON’T LIKE SEX EITHER; I LOVE IT! And if that makes me a slut, then I’ll wear it like a badge of honour. *walking away to look for my Scarlett Letter* 😉

That is all!

Happy Endings

When you’ve suffered with a chronic condition, you welcome anything that will offer some form of relief. I’ve been getting chiropractic care on and off for years and it wasn’t until last summer that I began to get some consistent relief for my degenerated disc, sciatica, and intermittent shoulder pain. I sought out and found a Chiropractor in Philadelphia Dr. Alex Jamieson who had a spinal decompression machine, which I felt would be of great benefit to me. After the initial consultation, the doctor performed my spinal adjustment and then put me on the machine, which slowly stretched my spine; releasing the knot that had taken up squatter status in my back and its cousin had taken residency in my hip/pelvic area. After the first experience on the machine, I felt woozy and ached like crazy, but that was to be expected given my body had gotten used to functioning in this deficient manner. Later in the day, I began to feel some relief and I was on cloud nine. I continued seeing this chiropractor for a few more times before I stopped as it became a geographical conflict as I was no longer worlking in Philadelphia.

I did the best I could to maintiain good spinal health and mitigate my chronic pain/discomfort, but it’s not called chronic for no reason. So in January of this year when the dreaded pain escalated, I began my search for a local Chiropractor. I didn’t want to go back to the previous local one I used because I felt I needed more than he could give me after my experience in Philadelphia. I was speaking with a co-worker who told me he sees a Chiropractor and recommended his. Word of mouth is good advertisement, so I called and scheduled an appointment. The initial office consultation went well and then we were off to table. I was told the adjustments were usually at least 30 minutes as that would be the best way to really address the concerns and provide the best results. I was immediately wooed by this because my previous Chiropractor; not the one in Philly, didn’t allow that much time for his adjustments. They felt more like wham, bam, thank you ma’ams. Not that he was a bad doctor, but for me; more attention equates to a better outcome.

My initial adjustment took closer to 45 minutes and by the end of it, I felt like I’d experienced a non-sexual orgasm. My body, quivered, shook, and I outwardly moaned as this doctor worked his magic on me. I left his office feeling liberated of some of my pain/discomfort, in addition to being elevated physically to another plane. (insert smoking gesture 😉 ).

We’ve gotten to know each other pretty well during my office visits and each time I walk out of there, I feel like the proverbial Happy Ending has been given. My body has been greatly improved, my flexibility restored, and my pain level greatly reduced. We now joke about my reactions to the adjustments and how I feel when I leave the office. I’ve come to refer to my adjustments as the best sex I get with my clothes on :-). I wish I’d known about Dr. Daniel Colache prior to this year in order to be relieved of pain sooner, but it’s probably for the best that I did because if I were still single then, I’d never need a boyfriend 😀 . Jokes aside, Dr. Dan, as I affectionately call him, is a great doctor who provides outstanding healthcare with an infusion of humor and compassion for the patient. I’m happy to have a him as a great addition to my health care providers.

That is all!

Sparkling Jewel Award – Pete Souza

Today’s award goes to Pete Souza, the creator of the following link Presidential Slideshow

It warmed me to see the passion, committment, and even the lighter side of a man who is sadly demeaned, ridiculed, and disparaged for mostly being a black man with a Muslim name. Barak Obama could have been given the birth name of ‘Garrett Middlethorpe’ and he still would face being seen as nothing more than a black man, but with a fancy white name. I hope after viewing the slideshow, you get to see the past a name and skin colour, and see a man committed to his family, his position as President, and to the country that unfortunately can’t see beyond colour and a name.

Seeing the photos of Barak and Michelle always make my heart bells ring and there are a few that almost brought me to tears.

Enjoy your Wednesday good people.

That is all!

Closing doors and opening minds

For the past decade, those who know me, my story and the fact that I write have been telling me I need to write a book. First, it was a book of my poetry, then it was a book of my stories, which led to a book of them both; until it led to book about my life and experiences. Being the “I really don’t want or need to be in the limelight” person, I shied away from the idea citing that some things just didn’t need to be shared. Wait, let me correct that…MY PERSONAL things didn’t need to be shared. I’d come to terms with sharing poems and stories, but I hadn’t fully embraced the idea of sharing the things I’d kept tucked safely behind my Colgate smile 😀 and within the abyss of my being. Why? Because it was too personal and who wanted to hear yet another “sob” story anyway? Not that I truly considered my story to be a “sob” story because I’d never cried the blues over it, but it was simply to intimate in detail to share publically.

Fast forward to 2005 when I’d about had enough of anything and everything that had to do with relationships; intimate or familial. I was sick and tired of the bullshyt and drama that came with each and decided to bow out, get some much needed clarity, and then decide it either was even worth my time/attention.

Those who’ve followed my previous blogs, know some of my history during that time as I made note of it in posts; however, there was still much that was left unsaid. From 2005 to date, I’ve gone through some shyt! Good, bad, up, down; whatever it was, I’ve run the gamut of and with it, but the inherent beauty of it all, is that I’m still standing. I endured the crap, the people, the everythings, and somehow along the way actually began to allow what was in the abyss of my being to start to surface. I found myself around women of various ages and even some men that actually gave a damn. They cared to hear about what has happened to me and what I’ve endured to become the woman I am today. Through their encouragement, I shared things with women whom I felt my words would be of help and comfort. I didn’t just volunteer my story and past, but instead used bits and pieces of relevant and empathetic imformation to let them know they’d be okay. I shared what needed to be said to let them know they weren’t alone and someone could identify with their plight.

I thought I’d closed the door on my past and had left it where it needed to be, but how wrong I was. I slowly began to realize that while I may have closed the door, I’d helped to open someone’s mind. I was helping women and shaping them through their experiences. I’ve been very happy about this progression and it’s become a personal campaign of mine to lend myself; where applicable, to those whom I think I can help in some way. God has opened doors in this regard and I look forward to an event in which I’ll be speaking as it’ll be my first public forum where I’m speaking to young women in an effort to inspire and encourage them. I’m secretly a little nervous about it, but very happy at the same time.

Just last Friday while having lunch with my dear friend who is also a pastor, we again spoke of my ability and need to speak out and she once again encouraged me to write my story. I did not meet her with my past reluctance as I think I’ve finally come to a good place with it all and I shared that I have a title swirling in my head for the book. The conversation continued with discussion on us doing some work together in the near future on this same premise and my heart soared…Well, until she called me on some trepidation she noticed when she mentioned me writing my story. She was right as there is some. My mother knows nothing of my trials, hurts, pains and before I can publish the book, I would need to sit her down and prepare her for its content. Although we’ve never had the best of relationships, I would not want her to be blindsided by the content as some of it will paint her in a poor light. What would be said is the truth; however, my mother makes so many things all about her even when it’s not, so I’d need her to be aware that the painting was not to be malicious, but to speak the truth. While she may have seen what she did as doing the best she could with what she had may be her truth; it’s not my reality. I can’t and won’t write my story with rainbows and pretty flowers where it wasn’t. This is where my posts title will really hit home; pun intended. As I said, it’s not my intention to be mean in any way, but the story needs to be shared.

Like forgiveness, this is not about my mother’s feelings, it’s about me. It’s my for and about my healing as a growth period of my life and my ability to move forward. I long since forgiven her as I refused to maintain being an emotional hostage in our relationship and keep letting her slide for her antics and words. Last summer, I called her on some of her bullshyt and there’s been some improvement and I certainly don’t tolerate her redundant rantings as I used to. I do; however, need to share my story with her so I can closed the door in its entirety and open her mind in addition to all the minds I hope to one day touch.

Take some time to close some doors in your life and then work on opening some minds; the world’s in dire need of that. Too many hurt and broken people out there continuing that vicious and ugly cycle.

That is all!

My body; my choice

I was not going to address this topic, but with all the drama in the news and the constant nagging; I felt I needed to get some things off my chest.

Like most women and some supportive men, I take no pleasure or comfort with these politrickers telling what I can and can’t do with my body. I’m tired of their constant ranting and raving about what they feel is right or acceptable for me and other women alike.

At sixteen, my mother took me to Planned Parenthood; not because I was sexually active, but to get the education needed for whenever I became so. I was educated on the many and various forms of birth control, STDs, pregnancy, as well as my overall gynecological health. I felt that I was given the tools and resources needed for me to make an informed decision for myself. Contrary to what the politrickers are trying to say about Planned Parenthood, they did not promote abortion and to the best of my recollection, it was only brought up as part of my being informed as to my options regarding pregnancy. I vividly recall the nurse saying it wasn’t the option I should immediately go for if I found myself facing and unplanned or unwanted pregnancy because it came with a plethora of emotions with having to make such a decision. She also stated that it was something that had to be carefully decided logistically as there were still doctors and centers that performed services in places that were not in compliance with appropriate medical compliances and preyed on the fragility of women facing such a decision. Again, I found myself well informed, well educated, and very capable at making decisions regarding my sexual and gynecological well-being.
Time passed and I found myself needed birth control and I returned to Planned Parenthood in order to go over the choices that would best suit my needs and Planned Parenthood once again provided the appropriate tools and resources for me. They did not promote casual sex or promiscuity as these politrickers would have you believe and in fact, the few girls I knew that had abortions, did not have them at a Planned Parenthood facility; but instead at private clinics. So, these morons need to get their damn facts straight. That aside, Planned Parenthood served my needs for GYN health and my birth control, which was being used properly for both pregnancy and STD prevention in addition to alleviating the severe cramping that came with my period.

Fast forward to 1991 where my boyfriend at the time decided to PLAN a pregnancy. We consulted with our respective doctors to get the necessary health checks and proceeded forthwith. In April of 1992, I gave birth to our daughter and was content with the decision we made. Since we were not married and our relationship ultimately failed, I found myself facing whether or not I’d want more children. In truth, I never really saw myself as a mother/parent when I was younger; the reasons are a blog for another day, but I couldn’t convince myself that I needed to have another child; so I decided that getting my tubes tied was the best option for me. My daughter was about 3 at the time and I consulted with my then doctor about permanent birth control. To my astonishment, he frowned upon my decision citing, I was under 30, only had one child, and may change my mind in the future. WHAT?? I was 24 when I made a CONSCIOUS and educated decision to have child and here was three years later, a little older and wiser, making yet another conscious and educated decision not to have another child and I’m being told “no”. Needless to say I wasn’t happy and presented this to the doctor. “So, you mean to tell me, I can go out and have a baby with whomever I want with his permission or otherwise and the insurance company is okay taking on that financial burden of my pre/post natal care in addition to the healthcare of my baby, but they won’t allow permanent pregnancy prevention?” His reply; and without hesitation “yes”. Now, you tell me that’s not some straight boolshyt right there?! 😕

So, here I am paying for birth control which over time would be more costly than the same day procedure of getting my tubes tied, which to date is the dumbest thing I’d ever heard. Fast forward a year and a half later where I have a new health plan and a doctor who’ll actually listen to my wants and…wait for it…CONCURRED with my decision. Why? He said, “it’s your body and your choice”. Yay for my doctor! So, in the fall of 1996, I got my tubes tied and have not looked back since.

I fail to see how or why these moronic gaping wide a-holes think they know what’s best for me. I have issues with the commercials that promote male sexual function and I have further issue with the fact that many men can and have gotten their Cialis, Viagra, or whatever blue pill they need to get their d*cks hard and stay up, but getting birth control covered is a problem. Really? I take offense to the fact that more than 50% of politrickers have been linked to some damn sex scandal, but they’re the dictators of all things moral and wholesome. C’mon son, who the fack do you think you’re fooling? The good majority of us are educated enough to know the pros and cons of our sexual habits. Yes, there are those who pop kids out like little crotch trophies and go on to have television shows to tout their fertility in the name of religion. Networks took great pleasure in chronically and in some ways even exploiting families of multiple multiples in one family, but a woman wanting to prevent pregnancy is a problem? ?Hmpth!! Let me also add that heterosexual sex is a TWO party activity and BOTH parties are and should be responsible for the outcome of their act. Sex is as old as time and is and will always be an act of both pleasure and procreation; it’s how and what each party wants from it where the decisions should be made. Yes, sometimes birth control fails and again, the option of that outcome should rest solely on the parties involved; not some damn politricker. More focus should be on the predators in the church of whichever religion instead of using religion as a political soapbox for spouting their illogical rhetoric.

We already have a deficient system that is supposed to protect abused and neglected children; how about the focus being put of fixing that system. These politrickers need to take religion out of this and insert common sense practices and education instead. They need to stop trying to dictate moral and religious views as if people aren’t capable of making sound decisions of their own. The church is deficient in many ways because it’s operated by HUMANS who are in and of themselves flawed and in many ways religion is a subject to interpretation regardless of what the Holy books say. When crime, injustice, and human frailty are removed from religious doctrine, then the politricers can use religion and their footstool.

Side note, a-holes like Rush Limbaugh with his illogical and downright asinine commentary and recently the borderline tyrannical rants of Kirk Cameron about homosexuality need__________ (insert your own thoughts) because I still can’t believe they had to gall to think saying what they did would go unaddressed or would be acceptable.

Well, I’ve dropped my two-cents in the bucket…woosah!
That is all!