Thoughts on what I’m thinking…

I listen to music daily and take comfort in knowing that there are talented people who can take words and make them speak to my various moods and states of being.  Music rules!

Letting go isn’t always easy, but the lightness of being is absolutely wonderful

I am purposed and I use my God-given gift to bless and nurture others

I may not always  like what I see of myself on the outside, but I am absolutely impressed and love who I am on the inside

Love has an amazing capacity to render the most beautiful feelings and emotions if we’re willing to just let it do its thing instead of trying to control it

I accept that there are things and people in life that I do not like and am wise enough to know that I do not need to justify them with anyone other than myself

Time and distance can never erase the closeness to another one feels in their heart

If I could have any one thing in this life, it would be for my parents to simply own their shit and be honest with their kids before they die

I took a look at my “What if I won the Lottery” list I wrote some time ago and realized it hasn’t changed much.  In fact, it’s increased in relation to whom else I’d give my money to.  It was proof positive that I truly am a giver and live within comfortable means

I love hard and can be loyal to a fault and while it’s caused me much pain over the years, I haven’t changed that part of me; instead I’ve changed who’s worthy of it

I’ve had more people use me, hurt me, manipulate and try to control me more than I’ve had them love me and it has hurt like hell, but in spite of it all; I thank them…truly thank them for giving me the strength to overcome and be the woman I am today

That is all!

Celebrating Life…My Story…

EXACTLY 5 years ago today and almost to the time of this post, I received a call from my GYN who gave me the results of the biopsy I’d had done two days prior, which confirmed breast cancer.  Oddly, I was not shocked by the results as the night before an odd; yet serene calm came over me and I resigned myself to the news; though untold yet, of the diagnosis.

I was at work when I received the call, which came with precise and detailed information as to what I needed to do once I “got over the shock of the call and to call me if I needed anything or had any questions”.  I hung up, took a deep breath, and did a quick google search on the type and stage of the cancer and then went in search of a friend and former coworker who’d been diagnosed with colon cancer the year prior.  I said nothing to her other than “let’s go to a more private cube so we can talk”, she obliged with a curious expression.  While at the more private workstation, I typed in my diagnosis and sat her in the seat so she could read the words on the screen.  Her facial expression went from 0-60 and she turned to me with tear-filled eyes and said, “no.  That can’t be true.  You’re one of the healthiest people I know”.  I said nothing and simply nodded the confirmation.  She got up and hugged me so tight and upon releasing me said, “we’re gonna get through this!”  Those were the MOST comforting thing she could have said to me….”we’re”.  She included herself and at that moment I knew I’d made the right decision in telling her before anyone else.  She dragged her then fiancee from  his desk and we all went outside to share the news with him.  We all hugged!  We all cried!  And then we all vowed to see me through the process.  The necessary calls were made to schedule appointments.  The call from the Imaging office came shortly after the call from the GYN, but they would not provide the full results over the phone.  I knew that was there protocol and was happy for the my GYN not abiding to that practice as it spared me the additional wait and worry. 

From that point on, Marlene was a part of my initial appointments, she sat with me as I researched every option available at the time and assured me that I was going to come through it all “just fine”…Five years, a right breast mastectomy, a series of tissue expansions, and five reconstructive procedures laters, I AM , “just fine”.  The medicine wreaked havoc on me mentally, physically, and emotionally, but with support of Marlene, trusted friends/family, and Gilda’s Club of South Jersey; of which I’m featured in their ad campaign.  Gilda’s Club of South Jersey TV ad I’ve come through the crazy journey.  I’ve always had a pretty decent outlook on life and tend not to take it for granted, but after having my mortality put on the line for a second time, I live it a bit more aggressively now.  I avoid the bullshit and drama as much as possible.  I’ve removed toxic people from my life.  I’ve grown that much closer to God as He’s been the epicenter of my strength.  I’ve become a better person, mother, friend, mentor, role model, or whatever title I wear.  I’m even more of a health advocate than before and take nothing for granted.  I’ve seen many people suffer and lose their lives to cancer and pray that one day cures will be available for not just Breast Cancer, but ALL cancers. While some may be more aggressive than others, it’s all still cancer and that’s something no one should take lightly.

In closing, I’ll ask you all for one thing…PLEASE get yourselves checked, screened, and ask family members to share medical history.  Prior to my diagnosis, I had NO idea cancer was in my bloodline.  I underwent genetic testing to find out if I was a gene carrier.  Fortunately, I am not, but it was a scary wait to find out.  Lil Lady was 15 at the time of my diagnosis, so there was a great need to know if not only was I a carrier, but to get a full medical history of both sides of my family.  Cancer runs on my father’s side and it was sad that I had to go through the process in order to find out.  Since then, I’ve shared my history, and dad’s with my siblings and other paternal family members.  One member has compiled a health registry so we have data available to share with each other.  Nothing, not matter how presumably healthy we might think we are is promised.  If you have health insurance, use it.  The time off work, the copay and a negative test result far outweighs the laziness of not seeing a doctor or the denial by thinking there’s nothing wrong.

I hope my story inspires someone to get checked or makes you take someone who may need to get a health screening to the doctor.  There’s no coming back from death, but there’s living  and treatment if necessary in knowing what your health status is.

Of all the 14 tattoos I have, my pink ribbon is the most visible.  I wear to show that I’m proud of overcoming breast cancer and also to let others know there’s nothing to be ashamed of.  I’m going to add some verbiage to it very soon now that I’ve hit the 5-year mark.  Any suggestions other than “Survivor” as to what I should say?  Whomever gives me the best idea, will be publically thanked and rewarded in some way.  And if by chance I don’t use a suggestion, just knowing you all were a part of it, will make me very happy.

That is all!

Sensibility Lost…P7

Hello boys and girls, the wait is finally over…I’ve gotten a break in my rather demanding schedule to actually pen an addition to the Andrea and Tariq saga.

Here’s a recap…Andrea and Tariq are lovers who met while in Miami, agreed to a long distance relationship that after some time proved too much for Andrea and she ended it. They remained friends and agreed to give the relationship another try. Between planned trips, business trips, things seemed to be working out although Andrea was always left in some flux when it was time for their visit to be over. Tariq, unhappy with his current job, has been considering leaving it and has been weighing his options elsewhere. Their most recent time together was met with an impromptu romp in a parking lot, another romp in the shower at Andrea’s house, and an argument that lead to a marriage proposal. Let’s see what’s going on now…

End of Part 6…
“Andrea Renee Martina Phillips, will you marry me?” Tariq asked, taking her hand in his.

Andrea’s knees buckled and she fell backward on the couch. Air caught and compressed in her throat. Tariq remained on his knees as Andrea regained her composure. When she did, she was still speechless.

“Well, you said, if I had any more surprises I might as well give it them to you, so here it is,” he smile softly.

Andrea’s eyes welled up again and she reached out her hand. “Yes! Yes! I’ll marry you,” she jumped up, almost knocking Tariq over. “Now, that’s a surprise!” Andrea giggled. “I love you Tariq and I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry for getting mad. Please for…”

Tariq pulled her on top of him and kissed her his forgiveness. He then pushed ring onto her finger and said, “don’t ever doubt me again okay?” He said firmly. “I know things are crazy and there’s things to be worked out, but this needed to be done. I love you and don’t want to live with you thinking this can’t or won’t work. Understood?”

Andrea nodded her head between starting at the beautiful ring sparkling on her finger.

“Good. Now, let’s take this surprise upstairs so you can thank me properly,” Tariq said, scooping Andrea up into his arms as he carried her to the bedroom.

Part 7…
“Close your eyes”, Tariq directed as they entered the room. Andrea did. “Now open them,” he went on; putting her on the bed.

“Oh my!” Andrea clutched her chest. “When?”

“While you were crying,” Tariq sat beside her. “When I came up for the ring, I lit them. They smell great,” he went on. “You like?”

Andrea nodded; looking around the room. It did look truly beautiful. She loved candles and had them all around the room, but rarely lit them all at once. She held her hand up as the light danced on the diamonds in the ring and she smiled turning to Tariq; tears once again pooling in her eyes. She didn’t know what to think. The proposal wasn’t expected and certainly not under the conditions it was made, but she was happy nonetheless and relished the moment’s positive turn of events.

“I love you Tariq”, Andrea whispered.

“Mmm! Say that again,” Tariq drew Andrea into his arms and began kissing her neck.

“I love you Tariq. I love you. I love you Tariq Rashaan Anderson,” Andrea repeated.

Seemingly as if on cue, music began playing in the background as Tariq and Andrea began removing each other’s clothes. Tariq showered Andrea’s curvy body with kisses and feather-light touches as she cooed and moaned in delight; their bodies casting erotic silhouettes on the walls. Commanding touches led to erratic kisses as Tariq reduced Andrea’s body into a molten mass from the feverish savagery in which he consumed the essence of her being. She flayed and screamed and tried and failed to push him away from her. The fighting led to continued unrelenting punishment. Tariq’s oral assault had Andrea’s head spinning, her calling God nonreligious ways, and her body failing to stop responding; only furthering the voracity of what was happening to her. Tariq’s continued satisfying himself until Andrea mustered the strength enough to successfully push his head from between her thighs and lay breathless and sweating while her body spasmed uncontrollably. Tariq wiped his face and stared intently at Andrea visually still consuming her. Slowly he crawled on top of her, his diamond hard erection tracing the seam of her legs subliminally forcing them to yield to his entry. Taking her breast in his mouth, Andrea stuttered something he couldn’t understand and he felt her nails dig slightly painfully into his dampened flesh; the sting only heightening his sensitivity and already intense desire. A groan slipped from the back of his throat and fiery breath covered Andrea’s breasts and chest. Tariq’s kisses ventured from breast to neck and Andrea’s hands traced from back to the inverted arch of his back to the curve of his butt. Tariq paused and reached for the glass sitting on the nightstand and in a fluid motion, spilled the cold content onto the arc in Andrea’s shoulder causing a violent shiver, providing a slight respite from the inferno of their combined heat.

“Ooh!” The guttural moan escaped Andrea’s mouth. “Damn…Mmm…Oooh!” She cooed. “I…I…Nee…”

And the words trailed off as Tariq’s mouth covered hers; swallowing the words. He knew what she needed and he was going to give it to her. He turned her over, careful only to give her a moment to breathe before his mouth covered hers again and yielded once more to his command; his hard on now tracing the crease of her curvaceous behind bringing her closer to submission. Holding his hand carefully on her neck, he squeezed just slightly as his knees pushed her legs open; the heat escaping against his thighs. Without further need for delay, Tariq slid into Andrea’s furnace; her body shook and retracted; securing him inside of her. He slid in and out of her as she arched her back to get in sync with his rhythm and soon they were moving in a sexually charged dance of love and passion.

Tariq rode Andrea into another orgasm before turning her over and reentered before she could even recover. Andrea wrapped her legs around Tariq’s waist, undulating her hips in a titillating grind while slowly squeezing and releasing her vaginal grip. Tariq groaned, succumbing to the unexpected sensation while his body shuddered with each squeeze. Andrea smiled at him before pulling him into a deep kiss; the residual taste of herself still fresh on Tariq’s lips. Andrea didn’t care and drove her kiss deeper into Tariq’s mouth. Their moans, groans, whispered words blended in with background music; forming a love symphony.

Andrea felt Tariq’s body become shudder; a telltale sign his climax was near, and increased her motion under him bringing him closer and closer to the edge and then without warning, she managed to push his weight aside and position herself on top of him and ride him with unbridled restraint. He bucked into her while holding her tightly around her small waist. Andrea bounced up and down with Tariq’s steading and slowed as she felt her own release nearing. With carefully crafted strokes, they steered each other into a seismic mutual climax leaving soaked and displaced sheets in their wake. Andrea collapsed against Tariq’s chest before he pushed her gently aside and spooned her into a well-earned and much-needed sleep.

© Blu Jewel 2012

Thursday Thoughts…

While I’m waiting for things to slow down enough for me to get Andrea and Tariq out of the bedroom, I thought I’d share some things that have been on my mind…

The following are things that have been or are currently on my mind…
Why do women who KNOW a man does not want a child think it’s okay to get pregnant, have the baby, and then get mad when he wants nothing to do with the child?

No p*ssy or d*ck is THAT good that we feel it’s okay to kill another for it or over it!

If leading by example means being the example worth following, why aren’t those of us in a position to effect positive changes doing anything for the youth?

I find it interesting that NO ONE is talking about Trayvon Martin anymore

Why? Why? Why…Is anyone STILL giving Kim Kardashian any airtime?
Now that Popeprah is off the air, what are her cult followers doing with their lives?

Real Housewives of wherever the hell they’re from is some real live boolshyte! I polled a some housewives I know and NONE of them live like the portrayals on TV, which leads me to say, “those heffas ain’t housewives, but drama queens, attention whores, and no nothing about REALITY”

On the subject of reality, when are we as a society going to STOP getting caught up in this so-called ‘reality’ they’re calling tv shows? Call it want you want, but there’s nothing REAL about that ish.

Since wearing my hair natural, I’ve noticed I get far more attention from men then when I was wearing my hair relaxed, which leads me to ask this…Are men seeing women with natural hair as more confident, secure, low maintenance and approachable than their relaxed hair/weaved counterparts?

Is ‘light-skinned’ vs. ‘dark-skinned’ still an issue?

That is all!