It’s been a while since I’ve done a decent post and while I have much I’ll eventually post, I’m currently feeling like a boat adrift. My thoughts are erratic at best and I’m finding myself less and less satisfied with things/people around me and in life as a whole. I’m not one for wallowing. Nor am I one whose a part of a situation instead of the solution; however, right now, I think I just need to be. I’m not falling into a temporary dark state; instead I am allowing whatever this “feeling” is to exist and then run its course. All too often, we strive to “try to figure it out”; spend too much time trying “to get to the root of it”; and/or look for the needle in the proverbial haystack. I believe I’m in a “let go and let God” state of being. I prayed this morning for peace in my spirit; to keep my heart open in order to give; and to be moved in a direction that is wholesome to my overall well-being. I refused the distraction of the radio and prayed in silence as I drove to work and allowed myself to revel in the sound of my thoughts as they occupied my mind.
I rarely think of my time as being wasted when I do nothing because just being still is often more of an accomplishment than constant motion. We’ve been adversely conditioned into thinking we have to always do something, which, in my opinion is a jagged pill I refuse to swallow. Why? Because stillness is important. Correction, it’s a necessity. Why you might ask once again? Because if we’re constantly doing something, when do we actually get to appreciate who we are, what we have, and whom we have it with? I don’t mean casually; in passing because we’re interacting on a social level, I mean, actually exclude noise, distractions and just be. Think of the last time you sat with your children, spouse/partner/significant other/friend and just chilled and enjoyed the moment; no electronic device, no thoughts of work, or any other interference and fully appreciated it? Think of the last time you looked up from your device and said hello how are you to someone and actually meant it and it wasn’t said out of casual tone or in passing? Think of the last time you let a chore pass without feeling guilty? Be honest here; I sure am! So many of us refuse to allow stillness to be a part of our being. So many don’t really notice the change in colours, a flower that bloomed, the person at the bus stop they may pass each day while driving to work or actually strike up a conversation with a fellow commuter. These things make me sad, but they also make me appreciate my moments like this. I know we only have a limited time on this earth and we’re all trying to make the most of it; but again, how many consider that stillness is a part of our time?
Not checking Facebook, Instagram, Email, playing an electronic game isn’t making the most of our time; it’s often squandering it. I bet if we calculated the time spent not interacting we’d be astonished with the results. That same time could be spent taking advantage of the beauty around us; the people around us; being a part of something greater or even better than ourselves. I think; no, I know that’s where I am right now. I’m cherishing the moments where I don’t have to or want to do something because a social or even personal choice dictates. I recognize that I’m feeling the weight of living alone as I have done for the past two years, Lil Lady is grown up now. She’s chosen to have a place of her own with her fiance and dog and that’s a good thing because it’ll be how she learns and how she’ll be able to balance her budget, her time, and her life as an adult. Living alone is good for me because I’m territorial and I enjoy my time, my space, and my things to be where I left them without interference from another party; however, I know it’s time to change that part of my life. Truth be told, I’m both ready and reluctant for this occurrence because, as I said, I’m territorial. I’m also rather neat and like things in order. I want messes cleaned’ I want things put away, and I want these things done without having to prompt another party to do them. I can handle change, but this one will truly take getting used once it occurs. Pray for me okay! 😉
So, here I am, three months shy of my 47th year of life. I’m beginning to think this “feeling” is a product of that last quarter phase out of my 46th year. I’m contemplative. I’m slightly indecisive. I’m evaluating. I’m restructuring. I’m growing. I’m reflecting. I’m planning. I’m preparing. I’m many, many adjectives rolled into the multi facets of being Blu Jewel. I’m okay with it all because….I know the struggle because I’ve lived through many and overcome. I know the preciousness of life because mine has been threatened and challenged. I wore the weight of my pain/shame and appreciate the lightness of being for having rose above it. There are many positives to my former negatives and the best part of it all is that I have some of the greatest life lessons for it all. I’m now a healer; a teacher; a mentor; a mother; a friend; a lover; and one day a wife (again); none of the aforementioned come in any particular order, but that is my then and now. I’m not naive to think that this closeout period will be silver lined, sprinkled with rainbows, and full of sunshine, but what I do know for sure is that trust has been earned and loyalty has been shown, and love has been given from those I’ve needed it the most from. Those are the ones I cherish. Those are the ones I stop what I’m doing; or sometimes not doing for. In those people, I include myself because I am an important part of the equation and in this tapestry of life I am woven together with love, peace, joy, and the occasional appearance of pain, tears, and discontent; however, it does not taint my picture; it merely adds a beautiful hue to which keeps me grounded.
What started out as a random post has now formed into something purposed and meaningful of which I couldn’t be more proud. I, without initially fully recognizing it, turned nothing into something and proven that even when we think we not doing something; we’re always doing something. I’m thankful and grateful for this moment of “nothingness” 🙂
Enjoy your lives my friends!
Yea, I said it!