Random

It’s been a while since I’ve done a decent post and while I have much I’ll eventually post, I’m currently feeling like a boat adrift.  My thoughts are erratic at best and I’m finding myself less and less satisfied with things/people around me and in life as a whole. I’m not one for wallowing.  Nor am I one whose a part of a situation instead of the solution; however, right now, I think I just need to be.  I’m not falling into a temporary dark state; instead I am allowing whatever this “feeling” is to exist and then run its course.  All too often, we strive to “try to figure it out”; spend too much time trying “to get to the root of it”; and/or look for the needle in the proverbial haystack.  I believe I’m in a “let go and let God” state of being.  I prayed this morning for peace in my spirit; to keep my heart open in order to give; and to be moved in a direction that is wholesome to my overall well-being.  I refused the distraction of the radio and prayed in silence as I drove to work and allowed myself to revel in the sound of my thoughts as they occupied my mind.

I rarely think of my time as being wasted when I do nothing because just being still is often more of an accomplishment than constant motion.  We’ve been adversely conditioned into thinking we have to always do something, which, in my opinion is a jagged pill I refuse to swallow.  Why?  Because stillness is important.  Correction, it’s a necessity.  Why you might ask once again?  Because if we’re constantly doing something, when do we actually get to appreciate who we are, what we have, and whom we have it with?  I don’t mean casually; in passing because we’re interacting on a social level, I mean, actually exclude noise, distractions and just be.  Think of the last time you sat with your children, spouse/partner/significant other/friend and just chilled and enjoyed the moment; no electronic device, no thoughts of work, or any other interference and fully appreciated it?  Think of the last time you looked up from your device and said hello how are you to someone and actually meant it and it wasn’t said out of casual tone or in passing?  Think of the last time you let a chore pass without feeling guilty?  Be honest here; I sure am!  So many of us refuse to allow stillness to be a part of our being.  So many don’t really notice the change in colours, a flower that bloomed, the person at the bus stop they may pass each day while driving to work or actually strike up a conversation with a fellow commuter.  These things make me sad, but they also make me appreciate my moments like this.  I know we only have a limited time on this earth and we’re all trying to make the most of it; but again, how many consider that stillness is a part of our time?

Not checking Facebook, Instagram, Email, playing an electronic game isn’t making the most of our time; it’s often squandering it.  I bet if we calculated the time spent not interacting we’d be astonished with the results.  That same time could be spent taking advantage of the beauty around us; the people around us; being a part of something greater or even better than ourselves.  I think; no, I know that’s where I am right now.  I’m cherishing the moments where I don’t have to or want to do something because a social or even personal choice dictates.  I recognize that I’m feeling the weight of living alone as I have done for the past two years, Lil Lady is grown up now. She’s chosen to have a place of her own with her fiance and dog and that’s a good thing because it’ll be how she learns and how she’ll be able to balance her budget, her time, and her life as an adult.  Living alone is good for me because I’m territorial and I enjoy my time, my space, and my things to be where I left them without interference from another party; however, I know it’s time to change that part of my life.  Truth be told, I’m both ready and reluctant for this occurrence because, as I said, I’m territorial. I’m also rather neat and like things in order.  I want messes cleaned’ I want things put away, and I want these things done without having to prompt another party to do them.  I can handle change, but this one will truly take getting used once it occurs.  Pray for me okay! 😉

So, here I am, three months shy of my 47th year of life.  I’m beginning to think this “feeling” is a product of that last quarter phase out of my 46th year.  I’m contemplative.  I’m slightly indecisive.  I’m evaluating.  I’m restructuring.  I’m growing. I’m reflecting.  I’m planning. I’m preparing.  I’m many, many adjectives rolled into the multi facets of being Blu Jewel.  I’m okay with it all because….I know the struggle because I’ve lived through many and overcome.  I know the preciousness of life because mine has been threatened and challenged.  I wore the weight of my pain/shame and appreciate the lightness of being for having rose above it.  There are many positives to my former negatives and the best part of it all is that I have some of the greatest life lessons for it all.  I’m now a healer; a teacher; a mentor; a mother; a friend; a lover; and one day a wife (again); none of the aforementioned come in any particular order, but that is my then and now.  I’m not naive to think that this closeout period will be silver lined, sprinkled with rainbows, and full of sunshine, but what I do know for sure is that trust has been earned and loyalty has been shown, and love has been given from those I’ve needed it the most from.  Those are the ones I cherish.  Those are the ones I stop what I’m doing; or sometimes not doing for.  In those people, I include myself because I am an important part of the equation and in this tapestry of life I am woven together with love, peace, joy, and the occasional appearance of pain, tears, and discontent; however, it does not taint my picture; it merely adds a beautiful hue to which keeps me grounded.

What started out as a random post has now formed into something purposed and meaningful of which I couldn’t be more proud.  I, without initially fully recognizing it, turned nothing into something and proven that even when we think we not doing something; we’re always doing something. I’m thankful and grateful for this moment of “nothingness” 🙂

Enjoy your lives my friends!

 

Yea, I said it!

 

Live the life you love; love the life you live…

frank zappa quote

I saw this quote last week presented under a different image, but it was the words and not the image that  moved me.  I couldn’t deny the truth of Mr. Zappa’s quote and I immediately thought about those people who fit into that category.

Of late, I’ve become the more annoyed with adults who defer their living for the sake of those mentioned in the quote; and others of course, and then whine and complain about their current state of being.  All you hear “how did I get here?”  “This isn’t the life I wanted for myself!”  “I deserve better than this!”  And similar rants and whining, without ever looking at themselves as being culpable for their misery.  Women are more prone to these expressions; however, I’ve heard a few men express themselves similarly.  We all get one life to live.  There are no encores, no do-overs, and life is certainly not an audition you show up for.  This is it! This is the real thing and no matter how you slice it, we have to make the most of it.  I respect and understand there are late bloomers; I’m one!  I respect and understand that experiences come with time.  However, if you’re not living, how can you expect quality experiences, good; or bad opportunities to learn from, and most of all, what the hell with the dash between your sunrise and sunset count for?

For those who’ve known me over the years and even recently know that I’m an about it person.  I’ve had my share of good and bad and with each experience, a life lesson was born.  I will aid in anyone striving to overcome their issues if and when I can, but what I won’t do is placate and babysit anyone; especially adults who refuse to hold themselves accountable for their lives.  Many try to live vicariously through their children, get married, have high-figured salaries, or whatever material gains that can amass, but even with all those things, they’re still miserable, dissatisfied, and envious; and sometimes judgmental of anyone who has substance and/or some bumps and bruises in their lives.  Da cuss?  Damn if you do and damned if you don’t comes instantly to mind with folk like that.

Well, my luvies, I’ve had about enough!  I’m is sitting in the front seat of life’s car and I’m riding.  I’m smiling because I’ve got God as my co-pilot and navigator.  I knows that even if I makes a wrong turn, I’ll find a new experience in my life’s journey.  Hell, I might find something truly amazing because I didn’t get mad, but accepted the change in direction.  I’ve decided that I’m not being anyone’s emotional sponge and will listen with a keen ear filter and only retain that which is actually worth listening to, and with those I’ve aforementioned, it typically doesn’t tend to be much for than bullshit and rhetoric.  This blog challenge opened my eyes to a new-found clarity.  It’s forced me to be a little more introspective and in doing that I’ve seen a new side of myself and I see people for who they are.  I pass no judgment because I live in a glass house; I just know where I fit in this gift called life.  In the infamous words of the lovely Ms. Nina Simone, “it’s a new dawn.  It’s a new day. It’s a new life for me.  And I’m feeling good”  I refuse to be anyone’s enabler.

 

Yea, I said it!

Feelings…Inner Voice

“…it’s important not to invalidate your feelings. Your feelings are telling you something important. Do not rush to act on the first whim, take time to hear the full message.”

When I read this excerpt this morning, it was a confirmation; not that I needed it; so, it was more like a reaffirmation of how I handle myself and my emotions. As stated in previous posts, when I have had things on my mind, but don’t always address them; instead, I wait until I see if the feeling dissipates or lingers as the former typically is a knee jerk reaction; resting on the latter as being something I need to consider and/or address. Unlike in the past where I tended to suppress or ignore my feelings; often leaving me in an emotionally destitute place, I’ve stopped playing the martyr and sacrificing my feelings, well-being, and/or happiness in favour of placating someone else. I learned a long time ago that feelings aren’t right or wrong; they just are, but I like to add what the quote states to it now.

It’s important to recognize and realize that when someone says, “oh suck it up”, or “you’ll get over it” when it comes to how you feel about something tends to come from a negative place within that person where they can’t handle what’s being said or they aren’t equipped within their own emotion state to show the necessary compassion, understanding, or even their complicity in what’s being brought to them. While it could be very easy to simply assume their words and dismiss your feelings; do not. Instead, find another approach to address said person, but never disregard your feelings by allowing someone to belittle you or your feelings.

Keep yourself open to the voice inside of you and the emotions conjured as a result. Look inward to see where they’ve stemmed from, what your reaction is, and how best to mitigate the circumstance. Take ownership if/where necessary in what you’re feeling and why you feel how you do and bring it all to the conversation when it takes place. Remind yourself that you may be received with hostility or reproach, but let the loftier thought of your self-preservation and well-being are at stake in order to remain on course and diligent in remedying the situation or circumstance. You are entitled to your feelings, but you aren’t entitled to hurt someone and the contrary is likewise true. Let your inner voice be your compass north as it’s the one true feeling that won’t let you down; it’s the last piece of the childhood innocence and purity you have left.

That is all!