Just when I thought the challenge would cut me some slack and be easy for more than a day, a resounding da f*ck????? gets expelled from my mouth and I stare at the screen with fingers hovering over the keyboard.
I have experienced many an emotional pain in my life, but sadly, none has been greater than that inflicted upon me from my own mother. I take absolutely NO pleasure in revealing this information; however, I’m an honest person and in order to complete this challenge, I need to expose some not so pleasant things in the process, be they about myself or others.
Given that I’m my mother’s only daughter, one would think that there would be sense of camaraderie between us; a shared bond; or something that mirrored a kinship, well, that simply wasn’t the case. Growing up, I found my relationship with my mother tempered on anger, bitterness, aggression, and a plethora of similar adjectives. She showed no keen interest in raising me to feel special, beautiful, smart, or even wanted. I have very few memories; if any of doing things with my mother as I did with my daughter. In fact, what I do recall is being pawned off to an elderly neighbour who was like a pseudo Grandmother to me or being sent off with one of her girlfriends, which I later came to realize was her way of trying to gather information about me. Fortunately, her friends did not betray my confidence, but I gave them very little to betray as self-preservation was always in full-effect with me.
My mother did not tell me I was pretty; a good student or athlete, and whatever I did by way of an accomplishment was somehow made about her. (pause) Truth be told, I’m really not enjoying writing this post and will most likely limit details as I see they’re not necessary to tell my story.
Suffice it to say, growing up with my mother was not an easy experience and it was laden with emotional, mental, and on occasion physical abuse. Children’s Services was actually called on my behalf as a result of a beating she’d inflicted. The words that came from her mouth in response to their call would make Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest look like Joan Cleaver!
I wouldn’t say I was a hard child to raise, but I’m sure for her standards or reasoning, I wasn’t easy either. I suspect that a lot of her negative treatment toward me was borne of her feelings toward my father. I often felt the verbal wrath of her viciousness toward him as if I had anything to do with being born or who he was. Mothers can be so nasty and ugly in this vein as I came to learn and experience.
Mother’s attitude toward me has been manifested in so many hateful, ugly, and down right mean ways on so many occasions in my life that I’ve lost track. I’ve exacted the proverbial 70 x 70 acts of forgiveness the Bible speaks on where she’s concerned because I grew too wary to even bother to entertain the hows and whys of her behaviour toward me.
At this point in my life, we’re actually in a place where we can speak without all the bitterness, anger, and frustration. I resigned myself to forgiveness both toward her and inward for myself. I don’t carry what she’s done anymore and I’d still done plenty for her in spite of myself over the years. The one thing that hasn’t been resolved is how my daughter feels toward her grandmother and I’m saddened by that. They used to have a great relationship and my daughter spent many summers with her Grammy being spoiled and pampered. My daughter had unfortunately bore witness by sight, word, or deed to mother’s treatment of me over the years and when she came to a point where she could make decisions for herself, she did…She stopped speaking to her Grammy. It’s now been 4 years since they’ve last spoken and it’s up to them to have a relationship or not. I’ve made my peace with her and can interact with her without the drama as I previously stated. It wasn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, but one that was necessary for me to heal and move on.
No child should have their mother be the person responsible for so much pain and heartache in their life, but it happens. I’m glad I broke the cycle and raised my daughter better than that!
Yea, I said it!
Shades of Blu... 
I felt the entire post. I am an only child who was mainly raised by my maternal grandma. We lived off and on with her and my mother would leave for days at a time. Mostly spending it with her boyfriend. At times I did not know where or when she would be home. I was emotionally neglected. So many other things she did thank goodness it was not physical abuse. The biggest blow was when we lived with her boyfriend who hated me and he kicked me out. She sent me to live with my gma and she stayed wtih him for a few months then left. So I understand the pain of not having a mother around. I have forgiven her. Yet we are not close. My daughter is closer to her than I am. She is who she is. I have done things for her and helped her out even though she does not do much of the same for me. I actually worry about her because she does not take care of herself. It is frustrating and at times I feel like an orphan, since my father was never in the picture. I will say it get easier at times to share my experiences. I am glad I am healing from it all.
I’m coming to see and learn more and more than sharing our experiences instead of hiding from them helps us to heal and grow. Many of us came from a generation that told us “not to air laundry” etc, which only made a bad situation worse.
I’m glad you’ve been able to move past the hurt your mother caused you in order for you to raise your daughter.
I’m a give credit where it’s due person, so I will say there are some positive things I did learn from my mother, but the gift of love and being love was certainly not one of them.
I’m happy that I’ve move on and moved past it all. I’m happy that I’m able to be the woman I am in spite of her. I don’t have to live the kind of suffering she does because I hurt my children.
“I’m a give credit where it’s due person, so I will say there are some positive things I did learn from my mother, I’m happy that I’ve move on and moved past it all. I’m happy that I’m able to be the woman I am in spite of her.”
That’s whats up, Blu!
It’s all a part of growing up *sigh*
Damn I’m sorry to hear this, and I appreciate your honesty. I know sometimes it’s hard to share something like this.
Thanks Sunny! Hurt people; hurt people! It’s a sad and unfortunate part of life. I’m just glad I’m no longer hurting 🙂
Damn good post. I read it twice, as it reminds me of the relationship in which my sister and mom currently share and have shared for the longest. My mom did not raise us. Instead, she chose to “give us away” to her sister who pretty much raised us during our younger years. Once my dad passed away, my mom decided she wanted to be a mom again. It didn’t bother me. I guess I was too young to really understand it all. But my sister (older than me) pretty much hates the ground that our mother walks. She doesn’t forgive my mom and although I understand why, there’s something inside of me that realizes that it hurts my sister way more than it could ever hurt my mom. You know it’s bad when I can’t even mention our mom to our sister. Lol.
“The words that came from her mouth in response to their call would make Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest look like Joan Cleaver!”
Ouch. But trust me, I feel you. My mom and sister have undergone some wars in their lifetime and I’ve witnessed things between the two that were not for the weak at heart. IDK, I love my mom and deep inside I believe my sister WANTS to love my mom and vice verse. But, right now, neither have experienced whatever it takes to forgive one another.
Great post. I want to send to my sister but scared she might curse me. Smh.
I’m shocked that I’m hearing these replies Don. First, Shai and now you. It makes me heart sick that so many have abused their children in these fashions and worse yet, the emotional scars that result in the wake of what the mothers have done. It makes my heart sick.
Even though your sister may cuss you out, it may be worth it so she can see that there are others who empathize even vicariously and she’s not alone in her experience. We are a broken community, but can heal if we each share our stores; as painful as they may be and uplift each other.
Excellent post. I can relate to it 100%. I myself have gone through the same things with my mother. Sigh
This post saddened me a great deal in writing and the responses the more so. I know mothers are human and many have experienced their own hurts in life, but damn, why would you want to inflict that on your own child?! *le sigh* 😕
Yeah. It is more prevalent than you think. I have shared my story and heard others. It is sad and my heart aches at times for those who have and are going through it. I prayed when I became a mother not to neglect her and make her feel like she was unwanted. We are close and I love that.
I did the very same thing Shai. The good of my mother’s bad was that she taught me how NOT to treat my own child.