Randoms and sh*t!

My Love and I had a Family and Friends cookout on Saturday and I was unfortunately behind the 8-ball in getting ready.  A friend showed up and saw me in my frazzled state and offered her help, but instead of just stepping in; especially since I’m not typically in such a state, she sat on the couch and went to sleep. Who.The.F*ck.Does.That?  Sadly, this is the second time she’s done this and guess what?  There won’t be a third. I was quite annoyed, but chose not to further upset myself by saying anything and let it go.  I simply limited my interaction with her in favour of our other guests.  In spite of that, the cookout was a huge success and everyone had a great time.

I had a conversation with My Love’s mother that I hadn’t ever expected to have and said some rather severe, but not disrespectful things that I felt needed to be said. She initiated the conversation by speaking out the familial dysfunction and I felt compelled to respond. He wasn’t happy that I was being dragged into the conversation, but I felt I needed to respond openly and honestly.  I want things to be in an improved state between them and hope that things will be.

I had the best time with my cousin who’d come into town after taking her son to college in Boston.  She and I are more than just cousins; we’re best friends, confidantes, ride or die, skeletons in the closet, take it to the grave.  We talked, laughed, shared, and did all the things we do when we’re together.   Even though her visit was only for four days, it was a wonderful few days.  It’s not always the quantity of time, but the quality of the time.

I’m tired of woman playing the victim.  I’m sick the hell of it.  I want women to stop blaming others for the issues in their lives and do something about it.  We live in a time where seeking counseling is no longer the taboo thing it was in decades ago.  There are so many options for women to work through their hurt, pain, abuse, etc and not let it take over and impede their lifes development.  I’m sick of said women pointing the finger at others or trying to fix others, when they’re got their own issues and are broken themselves.

I can’t help but get annoyed when I see parents dressed well and their kids look raggedy.  I saw this, this weekend and found myself so tempted to call bullsh*t on a woman  looked a mess while she well dressed and put together. I have to invoke Kermit and say, “it ain’t none of my business though”. Haha!

My birthday is next Saturday; the 13th and I have absolutely no idea how I want to spend it. I have a massage scheduled for the 11th and I’m taking off the 12th, but nothing planned as yet. I find this oddly amusing and exciting because I usually have something planned.  Things will fall into place and I’ll enjoy the times beset to me.

I watched the documentary, Stories We Tell by Susan Polley and it made me rather sad.  In so many ways, I related to her experience, because I was 5 before I found out my stepfather wasn’t really my father and I met my biological father and two of my seven siblings.  I was about 13 when I met my eldest; now deceased brother and spend decades not knowing my remaining siblings. To date, I’ve met and know all but one of them.  Truth be told, I really don’t care if I ever meet her. I’m almost 47 and she’s went into her early 60s, I presume so what could we possibly talk about or how could we bond?  It’s rhetorical really.  I do find it sad that there are so many children who have no idea of their true paternity or that they have siblings they don’t know.  More than it, I think it’s scary.  I’d hate to be the one who found out I was involved with a half-brother, cousin, or other family member.  Eek!

Even though I’m not married yet, I’ve already decided how the bridal party will be dressed, the colours, and that there will be NO cell phones permitted. I find it rather distasteful that people attend weddings and other formal functions and publish the photos without the consent of the parties whose event it was.

I mailed some birthday cards and it felt really good. I enjoy acknowledging someone’s special day and being able to have them have tangible proof of my remembrance and wanting to share in their happy occasion.  I still have more cards to send; September is a very active birthday month.

My college reunion is next month and I don’t feel the same excitement that I’ve had for the past three.  Maybe because I’m in transition in my life, but I can’t say that with certainty.  Maybe it’ll come to me by the end of the month when things and people start really getting into high gear.

I haven’t received the invitation yet, but have been invited to a college friends 50th birthday celebration.  I was quite flattered when asked for my mailing address.  We’d always gotten along while we were in school and I got the impression he had developed an interest in me when we’d seen each other back in 2010, but nothing came of it.  He never pressed it and it was left alone. I highly doubt there is any romantic interest even now; it was merely a situational thing back then.  He’s a classy guy and I know his event will be as he is.  A very close friend has also been invited and I’m looking forward to attending.

I STILL need to lose at least 10 lbs and hope I’ll actually get around to losing it.  I need to get my body back to where I’ll actually enjoy looking at it and not tolerating it.

Yea, I said it!

 

Live the life you love; love the life you live…

frank zappa quote

I saw this quote last week presented under a different image, but it was the words and not the image that  moved me.  I couldn’t deny the truth of Mr. Zappa’s quote and I immediately thought about those people who fit into that category.

Of late, I’ve become the more annoyed with adults who defer their living for the sake of those mentioned in the quote; and others of course, and then whine and complain about their current state of being.  All you hear “how did I get here?”  “This isn’t the life I wanted for myself!”  “I deserve better than this!”  And similar rants and whining, without ever looking at themselves as being culpable for their misery.  Women are more prone to these expressions; however, I’ve heard a few men express themselves similarly.  We all get one life to live.  There are no encores, no do-overs, and life is certainly not an audition you show up for.  This is it! This is the real thing and no matter how you slice it, we have to make the most of it.  I respect and understand there are late bloomers; I’m one!  I respect and understand that experiences come with time.  However, if you’re not living, how can you expect quality experiences, good; or bad opportunities to learn from, and most of all, what the hell with the dash between your sunrise and sunset count for?

For those who’ve known me over the years and even recently know that I’m an about it person.  I’ve had my share of good and bad and with each experience, a life lesson was born.  I will aid in anyone striving to overcome their issues if and when I can, but what I won’t do is placate and babysit anyone; especially adults who refuse to hold themselves accountable for their lives.  Many try to live vicariously through their children, get married, have high-figured salaries, or whatever material gains that can amass, but even with all those things, they’re still miserable, dissatisfied, and envious; and sometimes judgmental of anyone who has substance and/or some bumps and bruises in their lives.  Da cuss?  Damn if you do and damned if you don’t comes instantly to mind with folk like that.

Well, my luvies, I’ve had about enough!  I’m is sitting in the front seat of life’s car and I’m riding.  I’m smiling because I’ve got God as my co-pilot and navigator.  I knows that even if I makes a wrong turn, I’ll find a new experience in my life’s journey.  Hell, I might find something truly amazing because I didn’t get mad, but accepted the change in direction.  I’ve decided that I’m not being anyone’s emotional sponge and will listen with a keen ear filter and only retain that which is actually worth listening to, and with those I’ve aforementioned, it typically doesn’t tend to be much for than bullshit and rhetoric.  This blog challenge opened my eyes to a new-found clarity.  It’s forced me to be a little more introspective and in doing that I’ve seen a new side of myself and I see people for who they are.  I pass no judgment because I live in a glass house; I just know where I fit in this gift called life.  In the infamous words of the lovely Ms. Nina Simone, “it’s a new dawn.  It’s a new day. It’s a new life for me.  And I’m feeling good”  I refuse to be anyone’s enabler.

 

Yea, I said it!

Blog Challenge: Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

quote

 

Dear (former) Me:

I’m so happy that you’re happy!  I like that you’ve been able to accomplish so much in spite of your past, your pain, and your trials. God did as He said he would, and turned them all around and made you triumphant and victorious.  You tripped and fell many times and questioned yourself, your direction, and even your purpose in life, but you stood up; you fought on and stopped berating yourself for the choices you made.  You came to truly love yourself and for that you should be very proud.

intelligence is sexy

You always relied on your smarts and not your looks to make it through.  Not society, not people, and most importantly; not yourself allowed you to be “just a pretty face”.  As you would say, if you were, you’d be f*cked in life…lol!  You focused on what is truly important and that’s your brain, your content of character and your ability to see beyond what’s so obvious.  Intelligence has gotten you out of many a compromising situation, not an ability to play dumb.

be nice

In spite of the pain others have inflicted, you were never a hurt person; hurting others.  You remained compassionate and kind to other’ even those unworthy of your kind heart.  Your random acts of kindness weren’t always random, but planned and intended to make a difference.  Why?  Because it was important to you.  You are an inherently good person who took all her pain and transformed it into something beautiful; something positive.

u r special

Even though you weren’t always told you were special or made to feel as such, you finally found a way to tell yourself that.  You opened your heart to the most important person…YOURSELF and allowed yourself to feel, know, and believe you are special.  You no longer allow others to make you feel what they want you to feel.  You’ve come to stand up for yourself, know yourself, appreciate yourself, and be the wonderful person God created you to be.  I’m so very proud of you for that.

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Given that your modeling in life was rather questionable, you learned to stand firm by yourself and for yourself.  You became your own advocate and ultimately, you’re own hero.  You don’t look to others to honour or validate you because you don’t need it.  You are uniquely and beautifully made and you’ve embraced it fully.  You’ve fought the championship bouts in the ring of life and came out the victor; not necessarily for your strength, but for the weakness you felt and needed to overcome.  You armoured up and said, “I refuse to back down.  I’ve taken too much for too long and now I’m fighting back”. That, my dear, is worth the title of (s)hero!

with god

When all else failed and people let you down, God was always there with you.  Too often you tried to go it alone, but you always had the good sense to open your heart back to  Him.  You allowed Him to take the wheel and steer you on your course and it paid off. You trusted.  You believed.  You held your faith.  You trusted. You suffered, ultimately you were rewarded. God’s grace is exhibited in and through you because you knew that you are better off with Him than without.  Hats off to you for that!

journey-butterflies-vi

So, here you are now, a transformation from a broken and wounded child to a strong and beautiful woman whose battle scars serve as honour badges for the victories won.  I am so very proud of you and I love you more than you know.

 

(current) Me

 

Yea, I said it!

Blog Challenge: Day 29 — Something you hope to change about yourself. And why

being me

I’m not sure there is much I really want to change about myself.  I’ve worked hard and overcome much to be at peace with the woman I’ve come to be, so, by doing that, why would I want to change?

being me quoteFurthermore, if I change, would I still be authentically who I am?  That’s rhetorical at best, so we’ll conclude with the fact that I don’t want to change anything.

 

Yea, I said it!

Blog Challenge: Day 28 — What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

ept

If I were pregnant, I’d want to know how it happened and why?  Hehe 😉  Given I had my tube tied back in 1996 and My Love had a vasectomy, the odds of my getting pregnant are nil! Yay me!

Jokes aside, if I found myself pregnant at my current age (47), I can’t say I’d be exactly thrilled about it.  Why?  Didn’t you just read how old I am?  The risks would be high and quite frankly, I’m too old to be getting pregnant.  At this juncture, I’m in the waiting stage to become a grandmother, so being pregnant now would add another layer of Jerry Springer ish to my already Jerry Springer reminiscence to my life and I’m not having any of it.

Now, if I were younger and wanted to be pregnant or was considering pregnancy, I’m with someone who’d be a great supporting partner and future parent and I wouldn’t worry about it.

pregancy couple

 

Yea, I said it!

Blog Challenge: Day 26 — Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

suicide

This is an incredibly painful one as I’ve lost someone very close to me to suicide.  I knew of his pain, the alcoholism, the depression, and over the years tried to intervene in an effort to prevent it; sadly nothing worked and four years ago, he took his life.  He left behind a daughter; his only child.  His family.  His friends. And to date, no one has comes to terms with it.  There was no note; therefore, no explanation; only speculation.

Even though I self-injured, which is a NON-suicidal coping mechanism,  for almost three decades, I can’t actually say I’ve ever really wanted to give up on life.  I know I had a lot of issues that contributed to my pain and reasons to self-injure; suicide has never been an option.  Life, even with its pain, chaos, and turbulent nature still has many good aspects to it and is worth living.

Given my proximity to suicide, I find myself angered by a society that constantly thrusts things, people, and images in our faces and lives that contribute to people feeling inadequate, alienated, chastised, and marginalized, which are triggers for suicide or attempts at suicide.  It’s not solely because one is weak why they take their lives and more needs to be done in forms or acceptance and tolerance to prevent suicides from occurring.  We need to be more interactive, more kind, more willing to help others in order for those feeling like they have no way out; to have a person and/or resource to help them cope.

The second week of September is National Suicide Week, but it should be everyday.  We each can take a stand to be more proactive, more loving, more kind, and certainly more aware of change in another’s behaviour, mindset, or emotions.  There are many resources available for those in need of counseling and the following Google link shows some of them Suicide Prevention Information

love yourself untitled

 

Seeking help makes you stronger than your weakness and I pray that someone in need will reach out and get the help they need.

 

Yea, I said it!