Blog Challenge: Day 8 — Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like shit…

Just when I thought the challenge would cut me some slack and be easy for more than a day, a resounding da f*ck????? gets expelled from my mouth and I stare at the screen with fingers hovering over the keyboard.

 

migrainekick dirt

 

I have experienced many an emotional pain in my life, but sadly, none has been greater than that inflicted upon me from my own mother.  I take absolutely NO pleasure in revealing this information; however, I’m an honest person and in order to complete this challenge, I need to expose some not so pleasant things in the process, be they about myself or others.

Given that I’m my mother’s only daughter, one would think that there would be sense of camaraderie between us; a shared bond; or something that mirrored a kinship, well, that simply wasn’t the case.  Growing up, I found my relationship with my mother tempered on anger, bitterness, aggression,  and a plethora of similar adjectives. She showed no keen interest in raising me to feel special, beautiful, smart, or even wanted.  I have very few memories; if any of doing things with  my mother as I did with my daughter.  In fact, what I do recall is being pawned off to an elderly neighbour who was like a pseudo Grandmother to me or being sent off with one of her girlfriends, which I later came to realize was her way of trying to gather information about me.  Fortunately, her friends did not betray my confidence, but I gave them very little to betray as self-preservation was always in full-effect with me.

My mother did not tell me I was pretty; a good student or athlete, and whatever I did by way of an accomplishment was somehow made about her.  (pause)  Truth be told, I’m really not enjoying writing this post and will most likely limit details as I see they’re not necessary to tell my story.

Suffice it to say, growing up with my mother was not an easy experience and it was laden with emotional, mental, and on occasion physical abuse.  Children’s Services was actually called on my behalf as a result of a beating she’d inflicted.  The words that came from her mouth in response to their call would make Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest look like Joan Cleaver!

I wouldn’t say I was a hard child to raise, but I’m sure for her standards or reasoning, I wasn’t easy either.  I suspect that a lot of her negative treatment toward me was borne of her feelings toward my father.  I often felt the verbal wrath of her viciousness toward him as if I had anything to do with being born or who he was.  Mothers can be so nasty and ugly in this vein as I came to learn and experience.

Mother’s attitude toward me has been manifested in so many hateful, ugly, and down right mean ways on so many occasions in my life that I’ve lost track.  I’ve exacted the proverbial 70 x 70 acts of forgiveness the Bible speaks on where she’s concerned because I grew too wary to even bother to entertain the hows and whys of her behaviour toward me.

At this point in my life, we’re actually in a place where we can speak without all the bitterness, anger, and frustration.  I resigned myself to forgiveness both toward her and inward for myself.  I don’t carry what she’s done anymore and I’d still done plenty for her in spite of myself over the years.  The one thing that hasn’t been resolved is how my daughter feels toward her grandmother and I’m saddened by that.  They used to have a great relationship and my daughter spent many summers with her Grammy being spoiled and pampered.  My daughter had unfortunately bore witness by sight, word, or deed to mother’s treatment of me over the years and when she came to a point where she could make decisions for herself, she did…She stopped speaking to her Grammy.  It’s now been 4 years since they’ve last spoken and it’s up to them to have a relationship or not.  I’ve made my peace with her and can interact with her without the drama as I previously stated.  It wasn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, but one that was necessary for me to heal and move on.

No child should have their mother be the person responsible for so much pain and heartache in their life, but it happens.  I’m glad I broke the cycle and raised my daughter better than that!

 

Yea, I said it!

If it’s broke, fix it…

This is one of the things I want to see more of in 2013 and beyond and it’s one of the things I have to take to task myself.  My relationship with my mother is like oil and water and no matter how much it’s shaken, it never really comes together.  I’ve been more rounds with her than kids going around the Mulberry Bush.  It’s one crazy revolving door of drama.  I walk away, I come back, and with each turn question why I even bother especially when I can give anyone a play-by-play of a conversation with her before it even takes place and then put the phone on speaker and mute it and prove myself right.  Crazy right?  Yes, it is, but oh so very true. 

I don’t hate my mother, but I hate things about how; especially her narcissism and unrelenting desire to play either the victim or martyr.  I’m tired of her drama and I’m tired of me finding ways to tolerate it and her bullshit, so I’ve decided to do what I do best by way of communication and that’s write her a letter. I’ve done it once before and it went unaddressed by her as if I’d never wrote anything.  This one will be point specific and will cause her foundation a seismic tremour or two.  Don’t get me wrong, my intent is not to be mean or disparaging, but to merely point out some things she doesn’t know about me or why I am the way I am.  She’s the catalyst for some major trauma in my life and if I’m ever going to be able to fulfill my goal to write a book and/or screenplay, then she needs to hear these things and hear from right from me.

In truth, I haven’t a clue how she’ll react to it, but it’s not about her; it’s about me.  I’ve already given my stepdad the heads up that something is forthcoming so he’s not caught off guard by what will be a sizeable curse Blu tirade that will ensue, but like I said, it’s not about her; though she’ll find a way to at least try.  Dad’s cool with it and he’s supportive of my decision and what I need to do.

It’s broken; it’s been broken and what I plan to do may fix it and it may not, but either way, I’m going for it.  It can’t really get any worse anyway.

 

Live the life you love; love the life you live!

 

Guest Post Part 2…

Thanks to those of you who read and commented on Guest Post.

Part 2 is up at up4discussion and I welcome you to finish reading my story.

I hope that my sharing this will serve as an information tool to those unfamiliar with Self-Harm and help those who have experienced it or are still going through it.

That is all!

Guest Post…

Good morning boys and girls.  Thank you all again for all the birthday greetings I received.  I truly appreciate them and feel the more encouraged and inspired by your continued support.

Speaking of support, I ask you to check out Not Just For White Girls Part 1, which I wrote after I was contacted by Jay at up4discussion to guest post on her blog.

I was shocked, flattered, and very humbled to be asked to contribute and welcomed the opportunity as a vehicle to help others deal with their issues and find ways to heal and grow.

Enjoy!

That is all!

Cheating with a contingency…

I was listening to the Rickey Smiley Morning Show today, (10 Sept 12) and he was going off about women cheating. He was rather pissed at how women cheat, why women cheat, and that the numbers are as high as 80%. While I can’t confirm or deny his accuracy, I can say that women are rather slick with theirs and tend to be more successful than men at it, so while psychological studies suggest the rate is 70-76% of men to 40% of women, no one can really know for sure. It’s not like folk are going to just put themselves on blast so someone can gather statistics anyway.

Rickey Smiley aside, my issue with cheating is when folk cheat on a contingency. That is, people who’ll cheat while they’re waiting for someone better to come along. I’ve got real beef with that. Why? Because if you’re relationship isn’t working out and you’ve tried to fix it, then just leave. Why drag it out and make your life even more complicated by adding another factor into the equation? I understand it may be hard to simply up and leave, but giving someone potential ammunition to be used against you is just stupid.

While I admit to having been a participant in someone’s infidelity, I’m not a supporter of it and find it exhausting and in many ways an annoying practice to be kept up. The lies, the excessive deleting of calls, texts, emails, ensuring your phone GPS is off, removing your EZ pass from your car, and all the other tactics one has to employ to prevent themselves from being found it is just too taxing as I stated.

Although I’ve known many or heard of many people who cheat, it seems that lately it’s becoming more and more known to me in my immediate and extended social circles, but it’s being done on a contingent basis. The offending party has the mindset that mirrors something like this…”With my (insert title) isn’t where I want to be and I want out, but I don’t want to be alone, so I’m going to cheat and see what’s out there. I’ll still maintain the security of my shaky relationship I’m in until someone better comes along”.

I understand that we all think the grass may be greener when we’re unhappy, but in truth the grass can be as green or as brown as you make it. Grass, like most things is a living entity, and needs care and attention to be maintained. Yes, some might require a little more time and attention, but at the end of the day, it’s what you put into that yields favourable results. Envying what someone else has or what you perceive is better, can in many ways only complicate matters, so why not work on you and/or what you have to improve what you want? We are all responsible for our own happiness and we’re all responsible for the choices we make or don’t make in our lives. So, if we’re unhappy, why not get to the root of it and fix what’s broken within? Seeking the approval, validation, or thinking someone else can or will make you happy doesn’t improve us or our situations. In fact, it can only compound an already tenuous situation because if you have a conscious, you have to assuage your guilt for what you’re doing by 1) yourself by adding more stress to your life, 2) deal with all the lies and manipulation it takes to cheat, and 3) live with the consequences of what you’re doing.

Now, if things are so bad where you are, why can’t the offending party simply just get out? Why do they have to cheat and straddle the fence at the same time? In my humble opinion, if you’re relationship isn’t working out and you’ve honestly tried all you can to make it work, then you should be man or woman enough to call it quits and move on. If you’re cheating with a contingency, then you’re never truly invested in anyone but yourself and in reality, you’re not even really doing that because you’re so busy covering your ass so you don’t get busted that your focus is erratic at best.

I revert back to a previous post Own Your Shit where I state that we are all responsible for ourselves and our actions. When we take ownership for things in our lives, we are working toward making our future better in whatever way it needs to be and in the context of this post it’s finding ways to effectively get out of your relationship without the added drama of cheating. Infidelity is synonymous with being untrustworthy and there are few relationships that successfully survive when that’s what it’s founded on. Now, I’m not suggesting that people can’t and don’t change, but think about it…If you got your man or woman by way of infidelity, isn’t there a part of you; even if it’s one iota of a doubt that the person wouldn’t do it to you? At some point, don’t you stop to wonder how a relationship that was founded on lies and deception has any stability? I know I sure as shit would, but, that’s just me and how I view things.

In order to have healthy and wholesome relationships, we must be honest. We have to take inventory ourselves and our view on relationships as a whole in order to know how we can achieve the healthy mindset it takes to be with someone. Relationships are only as healthy as the sickest person, so it’s imperative that we heal and close doors before inviting another person into our personal mess. We have to see past thinking that 50/50 makes a whole in a relationship. If each party is only bringing 50% to the table, then the ground is pretty unstable; moreso if cheating is the foundation. However, when each party is bringing as close to 100% to the table as they can, that means they’ve done their personal inventory, have asked and insisted that the party of interest has likewise done theirs, and they’ve got something of substance to work with. Two strong people weather a greater storm that two halves.
So, boys and girls, I’ll close with this thought. Would you rather your spouse/partner/girl-boyfriend simply state they no longer want to be in the relationship and end it or them maintaining the front of the relationship all while cheating on a contingency? I’m sure I probably already know the answer, but I really want you all to think about this. Also, reflect on your past relationships to assess whether you’ve cheated on a contingency.

When I look back to the time I was party to someone else’s infidelity, I was single and let it be known that he and I; in spite of the boomerang bond we shared, I’d never enter a one-on-one relationship with him should it have ever come down to that unless he’d done some serious soul-searching and worked through his issues. I likewise, would have and actually did work through why I accepted being the “go to” girl. Fast forward; said man, has worked through his issues, did the required soul-searching, and he’s made great leaps in how he views relationships and himself in one. We never became a couple, but we are still friends to this very day. There is much to be said about integrity!

That is all!

Full disclosure

While helping a friend through her transition and current state of affairs, I began to see that I, too, am feeling that I’m in a transitoinal place in my life.  I have been praying for a change in my relationship and some of it has happened, but there are some other things that require a little more attention; me speaking up! 

My friend and I are brutally honest with each other and even if the words may feel like a hard slap; we know there is love and purpose behind them.  We don’t sugar coat shit and call it candy, because that’s not real.  We deal in real.  We deal with what needs to be said and not what we want to hear.  We’re fortunate to have that devotion, dedication, loyalty, and most of all HONESTY. 

Anyway, while speaking with her, I felt the lock on my emotional door begin to open and I started having some internal dialogue and I didn’t like the way the conversation was going.  I didn’t rebuke what my inner voice was saying because like my friend, I trust it.  It’s my spirit of discernment; the small voice that speaks really loudly and rings in my ears like a church bell.  After processing the plethora of feelings/emotions, I reached out to her and as expected, she delivered the affirmations, confirmations, and most importantly The Truth. 

Full disclosure is so very necessary for growth, clarity, and healing. It releases all the toxicity that’s built up and opens the heart and life channels to better understanding, appreciation, and restoration.  If more people actually engaged in it, they’d be better off and relationships; platonic and/or intimate would be better lived and appreciated. 

I’m ready to move on and move forward even if the receiving party has difficulty in what I’m saying.  It’s not about me throwing stones or trying to put myself on a pedastal; I simply want to achieve and have the fullness I want, deserve, and need for healthy living.  I can’t concern myself with someone else’s feelings at the risk of sacrificing my own as that’s not living authentically, which is very important to me. My growth process has not been an easy one and now that I’ve reached the higher part of the mountain, I don’t want to fall backward. 

Full disclosure here I come on my big horse looking like Lady Godiva; open and vulnerable, but willing to face things head on.

I challenge each of you to examine yourselves, your lives, and your relationships and find ways to incorporate more Full Disclosure.  Release yourself from the hostage situations, the white lies, the comfort zones, and/or whatever else that keeps you from authentic living.

That is all!