View from where I am now…

It’s been years since my last post and it actually feels a little strange starting over. I was going to create an entirely new blog, but said eff it, let’s just go on from here and the most important thing to me right now is that I start writing again instead of talking about writing again.

I’m not going to recap the events of the past two years as there’s been too much that has happen and I’d exhaust both you and myself in even trying to detail everything.  Suffice it to say, the most important thing is that I’ve made it through; I’m still standing; and that now being 50 feel freaking amazing!

My life outlook is more enhanced and definitely more self-centered now.  I’ve spent a lot of my previous decades catering to the wants and needs of others and seldom focusing some of that time and energy on myself, but not anymore.  I have made myself a full time priority and make no apologizing for it.  Life is too short to waste time and energy on planning with no intent to execute action.

From hence forth, my posts will focus on self-awareness and preservation, what being a whole woman looks life from my point of view, and will of course make comment on the wanton and errant assault on black women and how we should govern ourselves.  There will be lots of profanity laced responses to the aforementioned and there will be kind and compassionate commentary and take on many other topics I chose to discuss.  I will make no apologies for my words as they are MINE and I am entitled to speak my mind and my truth.

If what I say is of any interest to you, please feel free to comment and if not, I’m not here for the “likes” anyway, so regardless, I’ll still share my thoughts however and whenever the mood strikes.

Til the next time…

 

Randoms and sh*t!

My Love and I had a Family and Friends cookout on Saturday and I was unfortunately behind the 8-ball in getting ready.  A friend showed up and saw me in my frazzled state and offered her help, but instead of just stepping in; especially since I’m not typically in such a state, she sat on the couch and went to sleep. Who.The.F*ck.Does.That?  Sadly, this is the second time she’s done this and guess what?  There won’t be a third. I was quite annoyed, but chose not to further upset myself by saying anything and let it go.  I simply limited my interaction with her in favour of our other guests.  In spite of that, the cookout was a huge success and everyone had a great time.

I had a conversation with My Love’s mother that I hadn’t ever expected to have and said some rather severe, but not disrespectful things that I felt needed to be said. She initiated the conversation by speaking out the familial dysfunction and I felt compelled to respond. He wasn’t happy that I was being dragged into the conversation, but I felt I needed to respond openly and honestly.  I want things to be in an improved state between them and hope that things will be.

I had the best time with my cousin who’d come into town after taking her son to college in Boston.  She and I are more than just cousins; we’re best friends, confidantes, ride or die, skeletons in the closet, take it to the grave.  We talked, laughed, shared, and did all the things we do when we’re together.   Even though her visit was only for four days, it was a wonderful few days.  It’s not always the quantity of time, but the quality of the time.

I’m tired of woman playing the victim.  I’m sick the hell of it.  I want women to stop blaming others for the issues in their lives and do something about it.  We live in a time where seeking counseling is no longer the taboo thing it was in decades ago.  There are so many options for women to work through their hurt, pain, abuse, etc and not let it take over and impede their lifes development.  I’m sick of said women pointing the finger at others or trying to fix others, when they’re got their own issues and are broken themselves.

I can’t help but get annoyed when I see parents dressed well and their kids look raggedy.  I saw this, this weekend and found myself so tempted to call bullsh*t on a woman  looked a mess while she well dressed and put together. I have to invoke Kermit and say, “it ain’t none of my business though”. Haha!

My birthday is next Saturday; the 13th and I have absolutely no idea how I want to spend it. I have a massage scheduled for the 11th and I’m taking off the 12th, but nothing planned as yet. I find this oddly amusing and exciting because I usually have something planned.  Things will fall into place and I’ll enjoy the times beset to me.

I watched the documentary, Stories We Tell by Susan Polley and it made me rather sad.  In so many ways, I related to her experience, because I was 5 before I found out my stepfather wasn’t really my father and I met my biological father and two of my seven siblings.  I was about 13 when I met my eldest; now deceased brother and spend decades not knowing my remaining siblings. To date, I’ve met and know all but one of them.  Truth be told, I really don’t care if I ever meet her. I’m almost 47 and she’s went into her early 60s, I presume so what could we possibly talk about or how could we bond?  It’s rhetorical really.  I do find it sad that there are so many children who have no idea of their true paternity or that they have siblings they don’t know.  More than it, I think it’s scary.  I’d hate to be the one who found out I was involved with a half-brother, cousin, or other family member.  Eek!

Even though I’m not married yet, I’ve already decided how the bridal party will be dressed, the colours, and that there will be NO cell phones permitted. I find it rather distasteful that people attend weddings and other formal functions and publish the photos without the consent of the parties whose event it was.

I mailed some birthday cards and it felt really good. I enjoy acknowledging someone’s special day and being able to have them have tangible proof of my remembrance and wanting to share in their happy occasion.  I still have more cards to send; September is a very active birthday month.

My college reunion is next month and I don’t feel the same excitement that I’ve had for the past three.  Maybe because I’m in transition in my life, but I can’t say that with certainty.  Maybe it’ll come to me by the end of the month when things and people start really getting into high gear.

I haven’t received the invitation yet, but have been invited to a college friends 50th birthday celebration.  I was quite flattered when asked for my mailing address.  We’d always gotten along while we were in school and I got the impression he had developed an interest in me when we’d seen each other back in 2010, but nothing came of it.  He never pressed it and it was left alone. I highly doubt there is any romantic interest even now; it was merely a situational thing back then.  He’s a classy guy and I know his event will be as he is.  A very close friend has also been invited and I’m looking forward to attending.

I STILL need to lose at least 10 lbs and hope I’ll actually get around to losing it.  I need to get my body back to where I’ll actually enjoy looking at it and not tolerating it.

Yea, I said it!

 

Random

It’s been a while since I’ve done a decent post and while I have much I’ll eventually post, I’m currently feeling like a boat adrift.  My thoughts are erratic at best and I’m finding myself less and less satisfied with things/people around me and in life as a whole. I’m not one for wallowing.  Nor am I one whose a part of a situation instead of the solution; however, right now, I think I just need to be.  I’m not falling into a temporary dark state; instead I am allowing whatever this “feeling” is to exist and then run its course.  All too often, we strive to “try to figure it out”; spend too much time trying “to get to the root of it”; and/or look for the needle in the proverbial haystack.  I believe I’m in a “let go and let God” state of being.  I prayed this morning for peace in my spirit; to keep my heart open in order to give; and to be moved in a direction that is wholesome to my overall well-being.  I refused the distraction of the radio and prayed in silence as I drove to work and allowed myself to revel in the sound of my thoughts as they occupied my mind.

I rarely think of my time as being wasted when I do nothing because just being still is often more of an accomplishment than constant motion.  We’ve been adversely conditioned into thinking we have to always do something, which, in my opinion is a jagged pill I refuse to swallow.  Why?  Because stillness is important.  Correction, it’s a necessity.  Why you might ask once again?  Because if we’re constantly doing something, when do we actually get to appreciate who we are, what we have, and whom we have it with?  I don’t mean casually; in passing because we’re interacting on a social level, I mean, actually exclude noise, distractions and just be.  Think of the last time you sat with your children, spouse/partner/significant other/friend and just chilled and enjoyed the moment; no electronic device, no thoughts of work, or any other interference and fully appreciated it?  Think of the last time you looked up from your device and said hello how are you to someone and actually meant it and it wasn’t said out of casual tone or in passing?  Think of the last time you let a chore pass without feeling guilty?  Be honest here; I sure am!  So many of us refuse to allow stillness to be a part of our being.  So many don’t really notice the change in colours, a flower that bloomed, the person at the bus stop they may pass each day while driving to work or actually strike up a conversation with a fellow commuter.  These things make me sad, but they also make me appreciate my moments like this.  I know we only have a limited time on this earth and we’re all trying to make the most of it; but again, how many consider that stillness is a part of our time?

Not checking Facebook, Instagram, Email, playing an electronic game isn’t making the most of our time; it’s often squandering it.  I bet if we calculated the time spent not interacting we’d be astonished with the results.  That same time could be spent taking advantage of the beauty around us; the people around us; being a part of something greater or even better than ourselves.  I think; no, I know that’s where I am right now.  I’m cherishing the moments where I don’t have to or want to do something because a social or even personal choice dictates.  I recognize that I’m feeling the weight of living alone as I have done for the past two years, Lil Lady is grown up now. She’s chosen to have a place of her own with her fiance and dog and that’s a good thing because it’ll be how she learns and how she’ll be able to balance her budget, her time, and her life as an adult.  Living alone is good for me because I’m territorial and I enjoy my time, my space, and my things to be where I left them without interference from another party; however, I know it’s time to change that part of my life.  Truth be told, I’m both ready and reluctant for this occurrence because, as I said, I’m territorial. I’m also rather neat and like things in order.  I want messes cleaned’ I want things put away, and I want these things done without having to prompt another party to do them.  I can handle change, but this one will truly take getting used once it occurs.  Pray for me okay! 😉

So, here I am, three months shy of my 47th year of life.  I’m beginning to think this “feeling” is a product of that last quarter phase out of my 46th year.  I’m contemplative.  I’m slightly indecisive.  I’m evaluating.  I’m restructuring.  I’m growing. I’m reflecting.  I’m planning. I’m preparing.  I’m many, many adjectives rolled into the multi facets of being Blu Jewel.  I’m okay with it all because….I know the struggle because I’ve lived through many and overcome.  I know the preciousness of life because mine has been threatened and challenged.  I wore the weight of my pain/shame and appreciate the lightness of being for having rose above it.  There are many positives to my former negatives and the best part of it all is that I have some of the greatest life lessons for it all.  I’m now a healer; a teacher; a mentor; a mother; a friend; a lover; and one day a wife (again); none of the aforementioned come in any particular order, but that is my then and now.  I’m not naive to think that this closeout period will be silver lined, sprinkled with rainbows, and full of sunshine, but what I do know for sure is that trust has been earned and loyalty has been shown, and love has been given from those I’ve needed it the most from.  Those are the ones I cherish.  Those are the ones I stop what I’m doing; or sometimes not doing for.  In those people, I include myself because I am an important part of the equation and in this tapestry of life I am woven together with love, peace, joy, and the occasional appearance of pain, tears, and discontent; however, it does not taint my picture; it merely adds a beautiful hue to which keeps me grounded.

What started out as a random post has now formed into something purposed and meaningful of which I couldn’t be more proud.  I, without initially fully recognizing it, turned nothing into something and proven that even when we think we not doing something; we’re always doing something. I’m thankful and grateful for this moment of “nothingness” 🙂

Enjoy your lives my friends!

 

Yea, I said it!

 

Who the what now?

Recently a good friend and I were having a conversation about people who are always full of drama, negativity, or are always asking for advice.  She then told me those people are called Askholes?  Now, I see you looking at the screen like Huh?

askholeWell, that’s the definition of it.  I’m sure Webster isn’t up on it yet, but it should be.  Don’t we all know someone who fits this title?  For shits and giggles, please share the Askhole in your life and for their protection, you can alter their names.  Hahaha!

 

Yea, I said it!

 

Trending thoughts…

Parents these days need to understand that their children sometimes need to be spoken to in a stern voice in order to have their voice heard and force the child to recognize that things aren’t always up for debate. I’m so sick and tired of parents talking to their kids with this sugar-sweet voice and expect to be taken seriously.  Children require discipline and the understanding that actions have consequences.  If these parents insist on talking to their kids like things are up for debate or in the sugared tone, how the heck do they think they, as parents will command the respect their title/position holds, be an authoritative figure, or expect their child to have any comprehension of how to conduct themselves?

Why do some women think it’s okay to dress their daughters as mini versions of themselves? I’m sick of seeing toddlers and little girls with weaves, press-on nails, and clothing that is entirely inappropriate of a child that age to be wearing.  In addition to taking issue with the mothers, I take issue with the designers of such garments.  It’s bad enough our daughters are being sexualized through the media outlets and then they back it up with child versions of adult clothing.  SMDH 😕

If a man already has multiple children; to include baby mammas, why does the next woman think or expect him to have time and money for her child?  I’m sorry, there is no way in this or the next lifetime am I taking up with a man with multiple previous children, especially if he’s not taking care of them.  In that vein, why would a man want to take up with a woman with multiple children and baby daddies?  Sadly, I can’t even say it’s a ghetto thing since there are athletes and such in that very category.

When I’m at a club and a man offers to buy me a drink, I opt for refusing it as I don’t want him to think I’m now in some way obligated to indulge in conversation, accept his advances, or be “his” for the time I’m there.

I’ve got issues with people touching me.  I take such offense to it that I’ve had to have my friends run interference when they see it happening.  If someone; especially someone I don’t know is conversing with me, it’s wise they keep their hands to themselves; men in particular.  There is no reason for him to talk with his hands on my person.  A fave line when this occurs, “talk with your mouth, not with your hands” and usually walk away.

After almost 32 years, I still have my English accent and find it annoying as all hell to have someone try to speak like me or ask me to repeat particular words because they think it’s cute.  It’s one thing to not understand, but to treat me like a doll, I don’t think so.

When people find out I was in the military, I am usually not please with the startled response, you were in the service? as if feminine looking women don’t wear uniforms.  Puh-leeze!  That’s tantamount to thinking all gay people have a “look”.

Have a good weekend luvies!

Yea, I said that!

I got gripes…

Given my current erratic state of mind, I thought it best not to try and post something that requires a consistent thought process, so instead, I’m going to compile a few things I’ve got gripes with and why.  Strap on your seatbelts kiddies, this could be a rollercoaster ride…

As a dark skinned woman who’s heard the phrase “you’re pretty to be dark skinned”, which tends to illicit a plethora of emotions mostly ranging in the rage mode where I have to count very quickly to 10 as not to spew the stream of expletives forming in my mouth from the foolishness I’ve just heard.  Contrary to popular belief ALL shades of black is beautiful and should NOT now be  suddenly embraced because Lupita Nyong’o has won an Oscar and broken the white societal stereotype for black women.  More importantly, we as a black community, should have long embraced our wide and varied hues instead of waiting for mass media to shove it in our faces.  I understand the past force-fed attitude and belief that darker skinned blacks were less than, but it’s 2014 damn it, so get a damn grip.

lupitaIMG_20140102_221421

Why is it that when the likes of Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson and the like take their damn weaves out the media goes crazy talking about “oh, check out their new bob or hairdo!”  Really??? Freaking really?  This is one of the most annoying things I have the misfortune to read  in the media.  Now, I’m not saying that these or other woman can’t and don’t grow long hair, but damn, let’s call a spade a spade and stop all the damn pretense.

beyonce long beyonce short hudson short hair hudson with hair

Please for the love of all things that make sense, can someone please tell me why they’re still caught up in how many people are on their Facebook, following them on Instagram or Twitter?  Real friends are a small and valuable commodity and counted in quality and not quantity.  Got me shaking my damn head so hard I’m getting a headache. migraine

real friends

Was having a conversation with My Love and were were discussing the importance of dressing well.  I didn’t say out of budget, I said ‘well’.  Dressing well makes you feel good, evokes positive responses and can sure as hell my a woman’s panties wet without a touch.  He dresses okay and looks nice when he dresses and has argued that he doesn’t need a closet full of clothes.  I agree; however, having the necessary basics and being able to coordinate a nice ensemble without having to run to the mall is key.  We were out and saw a group of men closer to our demographic and he gave me that ‘look’ to punctuate what I’d been saying.  Their women were well dressed and they were selling their women quite short.  While this comment is an immediate indictment to men, I caution women to step their respective fashion game up too.

swag vs class

And for shits and giggles, I’ll throw this pic in.  The dress cost $8.49 and the shoes $19.99 (both designer gear I might add) and for $28.48 I looked amazing if I say so myself.  Styling on a budget 😉

me @ SSCAll for now my lovelies…

Yea, I said that!

RaNdOm MuSiNgS

Do you think I can Crowd Fund for a vacation?

I really want Kim K. and Kanye to just GO AWAY 😕

As much as I like music, I’m having a really hard time with ‘black’ music these days *sigh*

Weight loss is easier said than done; though I can’t really gained any

I’d like to see the promotion of something relevant in the media

Random act of kindness shouldn’t be so random…Each one reach out to one would work wonders

I like viewing rather than posting pictures on Instagram

I ordered a product called Baby Foot  but am scared to actually try it

I want to do more with my time

I was asked to participate in doing a video interview about Self-Mutilation and while I’m okay talking face to face with people, I’m no longer sure about it being YouTube :-/

The Word comes RIGHT ON TIME…Thank you Jesus! 😀

Have a good weekend! ❤

 

Yea, I said it!