Fantasy vs Reality Part 2

I previously posted Fantasy vs. Reality Part 1

where I spoke about relationships as we create them to be and what they actually are.

I’m still reading the book: The Adventures of a Love Investigator, 527 Naked Men & One Woman – Barbara Silkstone that inspired the post and the more I read it, the more I see how and why so many relationships thrive or fail. I’m encouraged that the men are speaking so freely, openly, and honestly to the women interviewing them because they’re speaking truths; albeit their own, but it can be a truth none the less.

I think of this statement, “How do you take the first steps toward divorce? You marry the wrong person.” I can’t tell you how true this is. I did it. The writing was on the wall in my marriage from the very start. I was involved with a man who was cheating on his wife. He also cheated on my while cheating on her, which should have been enough for me to let him go, but I thought I was completely in love with him and he thought the same. Writing these words, Tina Turner’s ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It?’ Comes to mind and I laugh a sad laugh because it’s true. Love can very often be exactly what you want it to be and in my case, I wanted it to be him. I’d had a crush on him since I was 19, but avoided a relationship due our eight year age difference and I was months shy of starting my military career, which would and have to take precedence over a relationship. Years later, we came back into each other lives and I thought it was fate for us to be together, but it was yet another left turn. When we finally became a couple it was almost founded on duress after a close mutual friend told him I was too nice a girl to waiting around and certainly didn’t deserve to be a side piece.

Long story short, all the signs that I’d previously ignored shone so brightly they couldn’t be ignored anymore and after some initial trying, we couldn’t make it work and divorced. The ironic part of it all is that he and I were such good friends initially and we seemed like one of those couple who’d remain friends even after a break up, but that wasn’t to be. The absolute saddest part of it all was/is all the things he initially loved about me, became all the things he grew to hate; hence, the opening quote.

I know quite a few people I’ve had to have the “good people aren’t always good together” talk with based on my own experience, common sense, and that state of their relationship. We have to learn that signs are there for a reason. They’re God’s little whisper to us to pay attention, but given that most of us are completely hard-headed, we ignore the signs, forge onward, and then wonder “how did I get here” too late after the fact.

I’ve learned the importance of knowing myself before entering into a relationship because I didn’t want to be one of those “women..guilty of inserting themselves into the man-puzzle when it suits their agenda…” which so many, many women do. It’s a tremendously bad and damaging position to hold and she’ll ultimately do more harm than good in the relationship. I’ve also certainly taken every effort to know whom I’m getting involved with. My Love and I didn’t have it easy in the beginning, but with time, patience, and lots of open and honest dialogue we saw through the issues to make things work. I hold no fantasies of what our lives could and would be, but accepted the reality of our many differences, life experiences, and life goals, which are far more important. I reserve fantasy for my celebrity crushes! 😉

Yea, I said it!

And the sunset on paradise…uhm?

As one who writes, I enjoy creating stories what take the reader out of their current lives and propel them into the unknown charters, which are solely at my discretion and control.  I feel like a puppeteer pulling strings and devising the scenarios that are mostly unpredictable; or if in fact they do have that so-called happy ending, it’s not without issue and is accomplished by something less than predictable fantasy.

I tend not to read romance stories as it’s a genre I find less than interesting.  Don’t get me wrong, I like a good love story like most people do, but those that drip honey from mythical cups borne of Gods and Goddesses.  The whole love at first sight, immediately stir my loins, and “take me now” gushing like a Southern Belle sets my stomach in a voracious desire to hurl vomit all over the book and promptly dispose of it thereof.  I do believe in love at first sight and I do believe that Love’s Divine can take one off course, but damn it, I’m just not buying the I just got dumped, ended relationship or recently divorced-need-a-fling-to-get-over-him/her-and-fall-in-love romance.  Can it happen?  I’m sure it can and does, but the reality rests squarely unbalanced to the reality of it all.  

I recently read a couple stories from a book I received for my past birthday, which are all ooey-gooey romance stories of women who went off to the Caribbean and met Mr. Right, fell in love, and presumably lived happily ever after.  My stomach wretched at the predictability of them all and how things always seems to just fall into place as if the cosmos aligned during a spin of the earths axis done solely for him or her.  “C’mon son” *said in my brothers voice* :-?.  Like I said, I believe, but from personal experience it doesn’t always go as smoothly as Mr. or Ms. Author would have you believe.  No, I’m not cynical or jaded; instead a realistic who knows the whirlwind romance doesn’t always live to tell the true tale.  Are we to really believe that in one or two weeks, we’re going to meet our Mr. or Mrs. Right, fall in love, have the best sex eeevah *in my Becky voice* ;-), go through a few cursory ups and downs only to come out at the finish line gold medalists?  I doubt that highly.  Just because paradise has provided the backdrop for what we’ve been led to believe is the love of our lives, doesn’t make it so.  Paradise lets you envision that life back home will be hibiscus flowers, tropical drinks, and beautiful sunsets; however, it doesn’t allow for life’s seasonal changes of really getting to know each other, living together, and altering for former life for your now current one.  Paradise provides the illusion that everything is going to fall in sync and that passion you shared thousands of miles away will continue.  Real life comes with real time; not “I can leave my watch in the room time”, which equals reality and that’s one hell of a check to cash.  

As I stated, I’ve done the love at first sight thing and I fought that beast like I was David to Goliath and while there were many factors for it to last; going to loves bank to cash that reality check and coming up way short was more than I expected or bargained for.  I had to face the fact that there was a life we each had outside of our “paradise”.  There were other things and other people that would be ruling or deciding factors on whether we had tropical rain or thunderstorms.  For all the pros, there were almost as many cons and the smell of hibiscus suddenly became the scent of dying flowers.  I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “yea, she’s just burned or bitter”; I assure you that’s not the case.  I look back and say, it was what it was for when it was and for how long it was and know that it was a part of my life’s experience and I’m good and okay with that.  We will always be sold Paradise and all its trappings and why not?  It makes us feel good to think and feel something that is so far out of the box.  I just say, sometimes the wrapping on the box is better than what’s inside.

That is all!