Randoms and sh*t!

My Love and I had a Family and Friends cookout on Saturday and I was unfortunately behind the 8-ball in getting ready.  A friend showed up and saw me in my frazzled state and offered her help, but instead of just stepping in; especially since I’m not typically in such a state, she sat on the couch and went to sleep. Who.The.F*ck.Does.That?  Sadly, this is the second time she’s done this and guess what?  There won’t be a third. I was quite annoyed, but chose not to further upset myself by saying anything and let it go.  I simply limited my interaction with her in favour of our other guests.  In spite of that, the cookout was a huge success and everyone had a great time.

I had a conversation with My Love’s mother that I hadn’t ever expected to have and said some rather severe, but not disrespectful things that I felt needed to be said. She initiated the conversation by speaking out the familial dysfunction and I felt compelled to respond. He wasn’t happy that I was being dragged into the conversation, but I felt I needed to respond openly and honestly.  I want things to be in an improved state between them and hope that things will be.

I had the best time with my cousin who’d come into town after taking her son to college in Boston.  She and I are more than just cousins; we’re best friends, confidantes, ride or die, skeletons in the closet, take it to the grave.  We talked, laughed, shared, and did all the things we do when we’re together.   Even though her visit was only for four days, it was a wonderful few days.  It’s not always the quantity of time, but the quality of the time.

I’m tired of woman playing the victim.  I’m sick the hell of it.  I want women to stop blaming others for the issues in their lives and do something about it.  We live in a time where seeking counseling is no longer the taboo thing it was in decades ago.  There are so many options for women to work through their hurt, pain, abuse, etc and not let it take over and impede their lifes development.  I’m sick of said women pointing the finger at others or trying to fix others, when they’re got their own issues and are broken themselves.

I can’t help but get annoyed when I see parents dressed well and their kids look raggedy.  I saw this, this weekend and found myself so tempted to call bullsh*t on a woman  looked a mess while she well dressed and put together. I have to invoke Kermit and say, “it ain’t none of my business though”. Haha!

My birthday is next Saturday; the 13th and I have absolutely no idea how I want to spend it. I have a massage scheduled for the 11th and I’m taking off the 12th, but nothing planned as yet. I find this oddly amusing and exciting because I usually have something planned.  Things will fall into place and I’ll enjoy the times beset to me.

I watched the documentary, Stories We Tell by Susan Polley and it made me rather sad.  In so many ways, I related to her experience, because I was 5 before I found out my stepfather wasn’t really my father and I met my biological father and two of my seven siblings.  I was about 13 when I met my eldest; now deceased brother and spend decades not knowing my remaining siblings. To date, I’ve met and know all but one of them.  Truth be told, I really don’t care if I ever meet her. I’m almost 47 and she’s went into her early 60s, I presume so what could we possibly talk about or how could we bond?  It’s rhetorical really.  I do find it sad that there are so many children who have no idea of their true paternity or that they have siblings they don’t know.  More than it, I think it’s scary.  I’d hate to be the one who found out I was involved with a half-brother, cousin, or other family member.  Eek!

Even though I’m not married yet, I’ve already decided how the bridal party will be dressed, the colours, and that there will be NO cell phones permitted. I find it rather distasteful that people attend weddings and other formal functions and publish the photos without the consent of the parties whose event it was.

I mailed some birthday cards and it felt really good. I enjoy acknowledging someone’s special day and being able to have them have tangible proof of my remembrance and wanting to share in their happy occasion.  I still have more cards to send; September is a very active birthday month.

My college reunion is next month and I don’t feel the same excitement that I’ve had for the past three.  Maybe because I’m in transition in my life, but I can’t say that with certainty.  Maybe it’ll come to me by the end of the month when things and people start really getting into high gear.

I haven’t received the invitation yet, but have been invited to a college friends 50th birthday celebration.  I was quite flattered when asked for my mailing address.  We’d always gotten along while we were in school and I got the impression he had developed an interest in me when we’d seen each other back in 2010, but nothing came of it.  He never pressed it and it was left alone. I highly doubt there is any romantic interest even now; it was merely a situational thing back then.  He’s a classy guy and I know his event will be as he is.  A very close friend has also been invited and I’m looking forward to attending.

I STILL need to lose at least 10 lbs and hope I’ll actually get around to losing it.  I need to get my body back to where I’ll actually enjoy looking at it and not tolerating it.

Yea, I said it!

 

Random

It’s been a while since I’ve done a decent post and while I have much I’ll eventually post, I’m currently feeling like a boat adrift.  My thoughts are erratic at best and I’m finding myself less and less satisfied with things/people around me and in life as a whole. I’m not one for wallowing.  Nor am I one whose a part of a situation instead of the solution; however, right now, I think I just need to be.  I’m not falling into a temporary dark state; instead I am allowing whatever this “feeling” is to exist and then run its course.  All too often, we strive to “try to figure it out”; spend too much time trying “to get to the root of it”; and/or look for the needle in the proverbial haystack.  I believe I’m in a “let go and let God” state of being.  I prayed this morning for peace in my spirit; to keep my heart open in order to give; and to be moved in a direction that is wholesome to my overall well-being.  I refused the distraction of the radio and prayed in silence as I drove to work and allowed myself to revel in the sound of my thoughts as they occupied my mind.

I rarely think of my time as being wasted when I do nothing because just being still is often more of an accomplishment than constant motion.  We’ve been adversely conditioned into thinking we have to always do something, which, in my opinion is a jagged pill I refuse to swallow.  Why?  Because stillness is important.  Correction, it’s a necessity.  Why you might ask once again?  Because if we’re constantly doing something, when do we actually get to appreciate who we are, what we have, and whom we have it with?  I don’t mean casually; in passing because we’re interacting on a social level, I mean, actually exclude noise, distractions and just be.  Think of the last time you sat with your children, spouse/partner/significant other/friend and just chilled and enjoyed the moment; no electronic device, no thoughts of work, or any other interference and fully appreciated it?  Think of the last time you looked up from your device and said hello how are you to someone and actually meant it and it wasn’t said out of casual tone or in passing?  Think of the last time you let a chore pass without feeling guilty?  Be honest here; I sure am!  So many of us refuse to allow stillness to be a part of our being.  So many don’t really notice the change in colours, a flower that bloomed, the person at the bus stop they may pass each day while driving to work or actually strike up a conversation with a fellow commuter.  These things make me sad, but they also make me appreciate my moments like this.  I know we only have a limited time on this earth and we’re all trying to make the most of it; but again, how many consider that stillness is a part of our time?

Not checking Facebook, Instagram, Email, playing an electronic game isn’t making the most of our time; it’s often squandering it.  I bet if we calculated the time spent not interacting we’d be astonished with the results.  That same time could be spent taking advantage of the beauty around us; the people around us; being a part of something greater or even better than ourselves.  I think; no, I know that’s where I am right now.  I’m cherishing the moments where I don’t have to or want to do something because a social or even personal choice dictates.  I recognize that I’m feeling the weight of living alone as I have done for the past two years, Lil Lady is grown up now. She’s chosen to have a place of her own with her fiance and dog and that’s a good thing because it’ll be how she learns and how she’ll be able to balance her budget, her time, and her life as an adult.  Living alone is good for me because I’m territorial and I enjoy my time, my space, and my things to be where I left them without interference from another party; however, I know it’s time to change that part of my life.  Truth be told, I’m both ready and reluctant for this occurrence because, as I said, I’m territorial. I’m also rather neat and like things in order.  I want messes cleaned’ I want things put away, and I want these things done without having to prompt another party to do them.  I can handle change, but this one will truly take getting used once it occurs.  Pray for me okay! 😉

So, here I am, three months shy of my 47th year of life.  I’m beginning to think this “feeling” is a product of that last quarter phase out of my 46th year.  I’m contemplative.  I’m slightly indecisive.  I’m evaluating.  I’m restructuring.  I’m growing. I’m reflecting.  I’m planning. I’m preparing.  I’m many, many adjectives rolled into the multi facets of being Blu Jewel.  I’m okay with it all because….I know the struggle because I’ve lived through many and overcome.  I know the preciousness of life because mine has been threatened and challenged.  I wore the weight of my pain/shame and appreciate the lightness of being for having rose above it.  There are many positives to my former negatives and the best part of it all is that I have some of the greatest life lessons for it all.  I’m now a healer; a teacher; a mentor; a mother; a friend; a lover; and one day a wife (again); none of the aforementioned come in any particular order, but that is my then and now.  I’m not naive to think that this closeout period will be silver lined, sprinkled with rainbows, and full of sunshine, but what I do know for sure is that trust has been earned and loyalty has been shown, and love has been given from those I’ve needed it the most from.  Those are the ones I cherish.  Those are the ones I stop what I’m doing; or sometimes not doing for.  In those people, I include myself because I am an important part of the equation and in this tapestry of life I am woven together with love, peace, joy, and the occasional appearance of pain, tears, and discontent; however, it does not taint my picture; it merely adds a beautiful hue to which keeps me grounded.

What started out as a random post has now formed into something purposed and meaningful of which I couldn’t be more proud.  I, without initially fully recognizing it, turned nothing into something and proven that even when we think we not doing something; we’re always doing something. I’m thankful and grateful for this moment of “nothingness” 🙂

Enjoy your lives my friends!

 

Yea, I said it!

 

My Own Man Crush Monday…

I saw this Man Crush Monday: White Boys that could get it edition and after I recovered my constitution and wished I had a less moist; I know TMI, pair of undies, I figured I’d create one of my own.  The list is in no preferential order

scott foley
Scott Foley plays Jake on Scandal. He could scandalize me six ways to Sunday

clive-owen
Clive Owen’s refined features and put together persona would work for me when I want to be all dressed up for a romantic evening

Colin-Farrell
Colin Farrell would bring out the bad girl in me

david-beckham-36a
I’d bend it every which way for Beckham

george_clooney_01
This older gent could do the most pleasurable things to me

Gerard-Butler
This naughty Scotsman would have me calling out his Tartan from the highlands

jason-statham3
Damn! Damn! Damn!  The Eastender twang puts my knickers in a twist

Josh-Holloway-Wallpaper-82
I could get Lost with him

Joshua Morrow-SGG-065363
He makes watching Soap Operas worth 38 minutes of my day

justified-starring-timothy-olyphant-on-dvd
I would commit so many crimes to be apprehended and brought to justice

kit-harington-pompeii

He could dethrone my ass and we’d warm up the cold

matt mc

Clean or dirty, why choose

omar borkan gala

Honourable mention because he’s actually Arabic/Middle Eastern. They threatened to deport him for being so handsome citing that his mere presence would cause a public disturbance.

 

 

Yea, I said it!

RaNdOm MuSiNgS

Do you think I can Crowd Fund for a vacation?

I really want Kim K. and Kanye to just GO AWAY 😕

As much as I like music, I’m having a really hard time with ‘black’ music these days *sigh*

Weight loss is easier said than done; though I can’t really gained any

I’d like to see the promotion of something relevant in the media

Random act of kindness shouldn’t be so random…Each one reach out to one would work wonders

I like viewing rather than posting pictures on Instagram

I ordered a product called Baby Foot  but am scared to actually try it

I want to do more with my time

I was asked to participate in doing a video interview about Self-Mutilation and while I’m okay talking face to face with people, I’m no longer sure about it being YouTube :-/

The Word comes RIGHT ON TIME…Thank you Jesus! 😀

Have a good weekend! ❤

 

Yea, I said it!

Freedom Friday…

Today I reserve the right to be as free as I want to be. 

I reserve the right to say what I want to say; shy of actually; moreso intentionally hurting someone’s feelings. 

I reserve the right to turn my music up a little louder in my office because the manager is off today and no one else will be in close proximity to hear what I’m listening to.

I reserve the right to continue this day without wearing eyeliner to somewhat conceal the fact that your girl is friggin tired and it took an act of Congress to get up this morning.

I reserve the right to text friends and tell them that they need to be up and moving…why?  Because I am…ahahaha!

I reserve the right to do only that which is absolutely necessary at work today.

I reserve the right to buy a bottle of wine and consider consuming the entire bottle once I get home from work…roughly 3:30.  That’s almost Happy Hour time anyway right?!

I reserve the right to order take out for dinner instead of cooking. 

I reserve the right to not give a fudge that Lance Armstrong doped and not listen to anyone or any commentary on the subject

I reserve the right to use my newly formed phrase “what in the fudge packing district” as freely as I want  (Reggie, I know you want to know what that means, so I’ll tell you…it means, what is the “ass fuggery*)

I reserve the right to plays Words With Friends with liberal abandon today

I reserve the right to treat myself to something just for ME this weekend

I reserve the right to reserve the right to reserve my rights 😉

In closing, I want to encourage each of you to have a Freedom Friday and do what the heck you want that’s going to make you feel good!  Let loose and be naughty my friends!  Woohoo!

Live the life you love; love the life you live!

Random musings…

I can’t help but look at some people and say to myself, “they look like they stink”

I look at overweight couples and wonder if they have a sex life

I’d rather hang around a sinner who owns his/her sins, than hang around church folk who act like they don’t

“If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with”…Why?  That’s settling

Stranger:  Is that your man? (after seeing his pic on my phone)

Me: Yes, why?

Stranger:  Oh, he must have big paper

Me: No, he has a big d*ck

Stranger: *crickets*

Me:  Have a great day! (walks away with a huge grin on my face)

Purpose of the story: Why to black men assume that because a black woman is with the “other” man, that it’s about money?

Memories don’t leave like people do, but sometimes I wish they would

Nothing worse than waking up from a sexy dream and 1) being alone and 2) not being able to get laid

As much as I enjoy reading, I have yet to give in to the hype of 50 Shades of Grey

It’s a little disheartening that the only person that does something for me “just because” is my best cousin and trust me, I love her dearly for that

Some of the most comforting moments I’ve experienced were when I was alone and God spoke to me

When my inner voice speaks, I listen to her because otherwise she becomes one nagging little beyah!

I recently read this from a book “don’t call it woman’s intuition; that’s from your vagina…call it a hunch and trust that”  I couldn’t help but oddly agree

When I see gay women who look like men, I sometimes wonder if they’re wearing a strap-on

I wish my free-spiritedness could take me away right now; flights are so expensive

If I had a dollar for every time my parents have told me they love me, I’d be broke

Sometimes when I listen to certain songs, I can recall exactly time, place, experience, person…it has, on occasion brought me to tears!

I’m now in the second quarter of my new year and I feel a definite positive shift toward something good and amazing

I’ve some to realize that if the sum of my experiences have made me stronger, I could be a real-live Superhero

When in doubt, reach out…sometimes it’s better to get a second opinion

I hate when someone I really don’t want to speak to or hear from comes to mind because then I’m left wondering why they come to mind in the first place

I recently found myself wanting to call *bullsh!t* on someone, but changed my mind because I realized at some point they’re lie will again expose itself…self-incrimation is far worse than anything I would’ve said

If what these mass-killers did is so heinous, why does the media insist of constantly showing their faces instead of the faces of those lost?  I’d rather their images be in my face/mind than that of a murderer

If you’re innocent until proven guilty, but the crime you’ve committed self-indicts you (mass murder), why do we need to waste time and money on a trial?

I saw a little girl; maybe 9-10 who had a (bad) weave in and I wondered 1) why the mother would even have a weave in the young girl, 2) what message she was sending to the girl, 3) why did the weave look so bad, 4) allow a child to grow into herself and stop to doing to so-call make the adults like easier

The levels of narcissism in our society today are 1) at an all time high, 2) aggravate the ish out of me and 3) is so very unnecessary

If we spent more time tending our own lives, we might actually be able to accomplish something

 

 

Live the life you love; love the life you live!

 

 

So Beautiful…

Once again, music gives me reason for pause. I was listening to Spotify and a song that I’ve always liked came one and I immediately recalled when I first heard it and the chuckle it gave me as the lyrics were quite interesting. Lil Lady was just a tyke at the time, but I remember her smiling; moreso at the melody than the lyrics in their entirety; however, I remember her saying, “you’re so beautiful, but oh so boring…” which are a part of the lyrics.

As I listened to it again today, I thought about the weight of truth the song holds. We’re conditioned to believe that beauty makes one interesting and/or attractive, but truth be told, there are so many attractive people that are just as bland and boring as a sterile white room.

I remember a boy I went to high school with who was rather attractive, athletically built, and well-dressed, but he was not the brightest star in the sky. I hadn’t coined the phrase then that I do know, but he rates as a “Himbo”; the male version of a Bimbo. In my lifes travels, I’ve come across quite a few men who fit into this category and it reconfirms why I established the “10 Minute Rule”. What is that you might ask, well, my lovies, I’m here to tell you.

The “10 Minute Rule” is me to finding a man attractive, size him up, and then he’s got 10 minutes to get and sustain my interest. Fortunately, I’m no longer single, but back in the day and actually, it still holds true just for social interaction that the rule applies. I have a very short attention span with men because all too often their egos confuse them into thinking they’re far more interesting than they really are or some woman allowed him to believe his game could and would work with ALL women. In addition, I want a man to see me as more than just a “pretty face”, so his conversation cannot revolve around my looks or body; especially because I KNOW I’m so much more than that anyway.

As the parent of a rather beautiful chlid, I instilled in her that she is more than the sum of her parts and she’s more than a pretty face. I’ve always taught her that looks may get her in the door, but her brains will keep her there. I’ve further taught her that she’s better off being pretty smart, than pretty dumb; fortnately she took heed and has excelled in life for the combination of both, but she gives more time and attention to being smart.

It’s my hope that we can put more emphasis on things that actually mean something and stop settling for the superficial and topical. I know it’s not going to be an easy task with all the boolshyte messages and images we see and hear in the media, but I can and will remain hopeful.

Here’s the song So Beautiful
Lyrics…
I was listening to this conversation
Noticing my daydream stimulated me more
I was crumbling with anticipation
You’d better send me home before I tumble down to the floor

You’re so beautiful but oh so boring
I’m wondering what am I doing here
So beautiful but oh so boring, I’m wondering
If anyone out there really cares
About the curlers in your hair
My little golden baby, where have all your birds flown now?

Something’s glistening in my imagination
Motorvatin’ something close to breaking the law
Wait a mo’ before you take me down to the station
I’ve never known a one who’d make me suicidal before

She was so beautiful but oh so boring
I’m wondering what was I doing there
So beautiful but oh so boring, I’m wondering
If anyone out there really cares
About the colour of your hair
My little golden baby, where have all your birds flown now?

That is all!