Blog Challenge: Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

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Dear (former) Me:

I’m so happy that you’re happy!  I like that you’ve been able to accomplish so much in spite of your past, your pain, and your trials. God did as He said he would, and turned them all around and made you triumphant and victorious.  You tripped and fell many times and questioned yourself, your direction, and even your purpose in life, but you stood up; you fought on and stopped berating yourself for the choices you made.  You came to truly love yourself and for that you should be very proud.

intelligence is sexy

You always relied on your smarts and not your looks to make it through.  Not society, not people, and most importantly; not yourself allowed you to be “just a pretty face”.  As you would say, if you were, you’d be f*cked in life…lol!  You focused on what is truly important and that’s your brain, your content of character and your ability to see beyond what’s so obvious.  Intelligence has gotten you out of many a compromising situation, not an ability to play dumb.

be nice

In spite of the pain others have inflicted, you were never a hurt person; hurting others.  You remained compassionate and kind to other’ even those unworthy of your kind heart.  Your random acts of kindness weren’t always random, but planned and intended to make a difference.  Why?  Because it was important to you.  You are an inherently good person who took all her pain and transformed it into something beautiful; something positive.

u r special

Even though you weren’t always told you were special or made to feel as such, you finally found a way to tell yourself that.  You opened your heart to the most important person…YOURSELF and allowed yourself to feel, know, and believe you are special.  You no longer allow others to make you feel what they want you to feel.  You’ve come to stand up for yourself, know yourself, appreciate yourself, and be the wonderful person God created you to be.  I’m so very proud of you for that.

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Given that your modeling in life was rather questionable, you learned to stand firm by yourself and for yourself.  You became your own advocate and ultimately, you’re own hero.  You don’t look to others to honour or validate you because you don’t need it.  You are uniquely and beautifully made and you’ve embraced it fully.  You’ve fought the championship bouts in the ring of life and came out the victor; not necessarily for your strength, but for the weakness you felt and needed to overcome.  You armoured up and said, “I refuse to back down.  I’ve taken too much for too long and now I’m fighting back”. That, my dear, is worth the title of (s)hero!

with god

When all else failed and people let you down, God was always there with you.  Too often you tried to go it alone, but you always had the good sense to open your heart back to  Him.  You allowed Him to take the wheel and steer you on your course and it paid off. You trusted.  You believed.  You held your faith.  You trusted. You suffered, ultimately you were rewarded. God’s grace is exhibited in and through you because you knew that you are better off with Him than without.  Hats off to you for that!

journey-butterflies-vi

So, here you are now, a transformation from a broken and wounded child to a strong and beautiful woman whose battle scars serve as honour badges for the victories won.  I am so very proud of you and I love you more than you know.

 

(current) Me

 

Yea, I said it!

Blog Challenge: Day 5 — Something you hope to do in your life…

There are in fact two things that are rivaling for supremacy on this one, so instead of choosing, I’m going to address them both.

1)  I hope I’m able to help someone overcome their struggle with Self-Injury.  As someone who spent almost three decades self-injuring, I know the struggle well and also know that in the black and minority communities it’s an issue that does not get a lot of attention and one that is rarely spoken about.  Sadly, it’s something that is taking place far too often and far too frequently, so I’m currently lending my experience to an organization, Self-Injury Alternatives in order to achieve this hope/goal.

2) Publish my collection of stories. My good friend the Barefoot Contessa is drooling at the bit for this to happen, so that’s going to have to be something I ensure happens.

Yea, I said it!

A question of faith…

It has been my experience that when faced with a trial that obviously seems contrary to what we’d want for ourselves, people tend to blame God for things not going right. A once faithful person, suddenly questions their faith and their God and lately, I’ve been experiencing that with a friend facing a divorce. Out of respect for her, I won’t air her business; however, I will say, I felt God manifest Himself quite openly through words I read in my devotions and through quotes that others had posted. Naturally, I shared these with my friend in an effect to open her heart and mind back to a positive state, but I realize that she’s in a downward state of being and needs to work through this phase in order to better receive what was shared.

Through my own life’s experiences, I chose to further trust my faith and listen to words of comfort and wisdom shared with me be they solicited or otherwise. I found it easier to trust my faith than trust man because it was man who created the pain or trial I was experiencing in the first place. I opened myself up to receive that which I may not have even been able to fully comprehend at that time if for no other reason than to plant the seed for fertilization and growth. The seeds eventually grew; as did I.

Life is a series of challenges, joys, highs and lows, disappointments, hurts, love; etc. and in the words of Aldous Huxley, “Experience is not what happens to you; it’s what you do with what happens to you”; very true and very wise words. Without varied experiences we cannot grow. Our lives are like seasonal changes; essential to growth, sustenance, and progression. We must live to experience and experience to live or we remain stagnant, bored, and boring. We can’t and should not seek to control everything in our lives, but instead be flexible and learn to roll with that which we experience and encounter in order to be a part of the ever-moving life cycle.

We must further realize that God works in His own time and not ours. Oftentimes, we think because we are believers and follow doctrine, we are entitled to our prayer requests being met without first truthfully looking into ourselves to determine if we are in fact worthy or ready to receive what we’re praying for. Yes, according to The Word, God says He’ll give you the desires of your heart, but are our desires pure? Are they selfish? Has the requester done their part in seeking God’s invention or intercession? These are things many do not consider; hence, later questioning God and/or their faith. Delay does not mean denial!

Old folks always told me that the space or dash on our headstones should count for something and that we shouldn’t want someone to lie at our eulogy and say, “they had or lived life” if they hadn’t. It’s something that has remained with me for most of my life. Yes, I cursed many a bad day or experience, but I’ve learned that without them I would not be the woman I am today. I rode the rough seas, navigated through life’s detours and I have a tale to tell. I took leap of faith, celebrated my trails turned triumphs, and again, have tales to tell. I celebrate life. I celebrate my faith. And I celebrate being unafraid to face adversity.

The following links are what have been pulse points this week. I share them hoping they’ll inspire, encourage, and allow you to also grow or be a positive influence to someone you may encounter.

God bless!
Seeking Guidance

Can we Really Trust God?

God’s Sovereign Delays

How To Stay Strong In Disappointment

Resting in the Faithfulness of God

God Acts On Our Behalf

Yea, I said that!

Lyrically Speaking (again)…Hidden Away

The universe is really trying to convey a message or messages to me, because once again, the lyrics are speaking to me.

I enjoy Josh Grobans songs and Hidden Away is one I’ve liked for some time.  While I’ve listened to the lyrics, I must not have really heard them as they were yelling at me this morning. 

Over mountains and sky blue seas
On great circles, will you watch for me?
The sweetest feeling I’ve got inside
I just can’t wait to get lost in your eyes

And all these words that you meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please, don’t keep them hidden away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe in
I can take in all the same
Holding out for something I believe in
All I really need today

I want to free your heart, I want to see your heart
Please, don’t keep your heart hidden away

You’re a wonder, how bright you shine
A flickered candle in a short lifetime

A secret dreamer that never shows
If no one sees you then nobody knows

And all these words you were meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please, don’t keep them hidden away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe in
I can take in all the same
Reaching out for someone I believe in
All I really need today

I want to feel your love, will you reveal your love?
Please, don’t keep your love hidden away
I want to free your heart, I want to see your heart
Please, don’t keep your heart hidden away

Hidden Away

The recurring theme seems to be that I need to speak up, let my voice be heard, stop hiding (thoughts, emotions, etc.,).  These are not coincidences, but instead intercessions I need to heed.  I’m guilty y’all, but I’m listening and I’m hearing what God/the universe is telling me.  It’s not going to be easy boys and girls because you’re girl has a lot on her mind and much  that needs to be released.  It’s not going to be easy, but I’m going to do it. Phew!

Live the life you love; love the life you live!

How quickly emotions change…

I ws sitting at my desk reading and drinking tea where out of nowhere an image of me hurling said cup of tea in a swift and violent motion.  The following is what came out of me when I tried to make sense of what I’m feeling…

Nothing’s working!
I do not fit
There is no place for me
To call home to go home to
I’m surrounded by people
Familiar faces
Yet I’m alone in this crowd
No sees my eyes; my real emotions
They only see my face
My smile
Not the confusion; not the pain
Not the well of emptiness
Pouring out like a broken faucet
They take; they want
It’s all they do
Nothing’s reciprocal
Nothing to my gain
Explosions are all I see
Vivid, vibrant outburst
That’s the aura around me
I feel what that can’t see
I’m a living cacophony
Yet they see and hear nothing
They’re all blind; captivated by
Their want from me
My touch warm
Against their cold façade
The thick deception of their being
Words said, immediately
Die upon their tongue
As their actions reveal
Their true intent
It’s all pointless; meaningless
No one knows me; my pain
They take, take, take
I’m always losing; nothing gained
I want to belong
I want to fit in somewhere
I’m tired of being on this road
The journey is pointless
The destination unknown
I’m just a lonesome traveller
There’s nowhere to call home
Blu Jewel 16 Nov 12 ©

Immediately after I wrote this, the following songs came on…

Love’s Divine – Seal

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time threw a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love’s divine
Please forgive me now I see that I’ve been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

‘Cause I need love, love’s divine
Please forgive me now I see that I’ve been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don’t bend (don’t bend), don’t break (don’t break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won’t forsake
‘Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there’s nothing wrong
But inside I felt me lying all along
But the message here was plain to see
Believe me

‘Cause I need love, love’s divine
Please forgive me now I see that I’ve been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don’t bend (don’t bend), don’t break (don’t break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won’t forsake
‘Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.

This Too Shall Pass – India.Arie
I achieved so much in life
But I’m an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
But my emotions are bankrupt

My body is nice and strong
But my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
But when the night falls so does my tears

Sometimes the beatings so loud in my heart
That I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
That I can barely hear what God says

Then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angel’s whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day one day will be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
Turned around and hurt me the worse
I’m doing my best to move on
But the pain just keeps singing me songs

My head and my heart are at war
Cause love ain’t happening the way I wanted
Feel like I’m about to break down
Can’t hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So I pray for healing in my heart
To be put back together what is torn apart
And I pray for quiet in my head
That I can hear clearly what God says

Then I hear the whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the Angels whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of sudden I realize
That it only hurts worse to fight it
So I embrace my shadow
And hold on to the morning light

This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
I hear the angels whisper
that trouble don’t have to last always
I hear the angels whisper
Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday.
I hear my angels whisper.
I hear my angels whisper.
This too shall pass.

It never ceases to amaze me how when I’m feeling at my worst how music can come along and lift me up and say all the needed things when no one else could…That truly is Love’s Divine and This Too Shall Pass!

That is all!

I voted…

I’m an action oriented gal and I strive not to talk about it, but be about it, so on my way into work, I stopped to vote. I confirmed that I would be able to vote straight ticket or split ticket if that was my choice. Save for the Board of Education choices, I stepped into the booth informed and decisive. I know the issues, I’ve weeded through the lies, name calling,  and rhetoric and when I made my selections, I felt confident in exercising the right that my fore mothers/fathers fought and died for.

I made my choice based on what I feel was in the best interest of me, my daughter, and my future grandchildren. I did not base my vote on colour; nor would I have based it on gender had a female been in the running. I’ve been on varied sides of the race and gender lines as well as the class lines and again took all of those experiences into consideration before and when I walked into the booth.

I believe in change. I believe in community and taking care of each other. I believe that we are living in a modern society where woman can and should be able to speak for themselves and the choices affecting their bodies. In spite of my offending a lesbian blogger, I do believe in equality for ALL sexes to have legal rights to marry/unify and have their loved ones and children, if a part of the union/marriage be accounted for. Although I have serious questions about the verbiage and content of the Constitution, I do believe people are equal in spite of their skin colour or gender. I believe ones choice of religion/religious practices should have no bearing in politics and should be not be used as a political ploy to corrupt, demean, or manipulate people. At the end of the day, we’re all human and regardless of gender, skin colour, sexual orientation, or religion; our blood all bleeds red so it’s half past time to look at what we have in common and not what’s topical or superficial.

Our future is up to us. The past 12 years have shown us so much both positively and negatively and the next 4 will be a life-altering change however this election turns out.

In closing, I want to repeat my opening statement; I voted! I didn’t talk about what I want now or in the near future; I demonstrated it…I let my voice/vote count.

That is all!