The Truth…

There ain’t no substitute for the truth either it is or isn’t

First let me give credit to India.Arie as I used a sample from her song The Truth.

Now, let me get into this post…

I had an epiphany today, which said, “A woman wants a man to love her for who she is, but very often, she doesn’t truly know who she is, so how can he do that without fallout? This is one of the reasons relationships fail.” The opening of this post came to me the moment the epiphany did.

I rested on that thought for a moment, text is to my Kinster (meaning kindred spirit in one of my female friends), as I knew she could both appreciate it and adequately comment on it.

As I continue to allow this thought to resonate within me, I find myself looking back at past relationships; loosely, I might add, as they’re in the past and honestly not always worth more than a moments reflections. In said reflection, I recall having said those very words in some very much like it. As the woman I am now, I realize some of those relationships failed simply because they loved me as and whom I was at that place in time. They weren’t wrong for that part of the relationship’s demise.

When we ask someone to love us for whom we are, we must first understand whom we are. We must know ourselves with and for our flaws and not apart from them. We must be willing to own our shortcomings; be responsible and accountable for how we regard ourselves as a whole; not fractured being; and most importantly, we must know how to be in a relationship. Relationships are more than checking a box on looks, sexual appeal, financial/employment status, fact-finding tactics, or whatever else is deemed criteria for a suitable partner. Relationships are two imperfect people; since no one is perfect (contrary to the belief of some) who are perfect together. That’s something I read somewhere by the way, and not something I came up with, but it doesn’t make it any less true. While I can apply humour to this, there is a lot of seriousness that comes with that being said. Imperfection is a human flaw; being perfectly yoked is something entirely different. In order to be properly yoked, one must fully know themselves in order to present themselves suitable for a relationship and what they do not know about themselves, they’ll have to learn and own later as they grow…hopefully, still together. Again, the key part of it all, is OWNERSHIP OF SELF and KNOWING WHO WE ARE.

Let me elaborate a little more…When I was younger, I was still working to find my identity as a young woman entering a relationship without fully understanding the multi-facets of whom I was. I was an extension of the relationship witnessed of my parents and other adults. I was part fantasy of what I imagined relationships should be like. I was carrying the weight of undisclosed sexual trauma. I was, as I imagined an ugly duckling whom the boys thought a swan. Given those traits and self-image (read, lack thereof), I was completely unprepared for relationships in spite of my age. I was essentially what could be considered “damaged goods” and I took all of that into the relationships I entered. I wanted to be loved for whom I was and that’s what I was, so that’s what they loved. How could they not? It’s what I gave them to work with. I also attracted what I was and what I was carrying; yet another reason I was loved the way I was. Two broken vessels can’t fix each other! So, again, the lyric holds itself true.

After one too many endings, I took time out to begin the healing process. I began to identify why I was attracting like-type men. I began to get to the root of why I regarded myself in a certain way, or the role my tolerances and lack of it at times had in relationships, and once I identified those things, I at least came to a clarity of understanding. This understanding is what we all need to get to when entering relationships; especially once we’re into our 30’s and beyond. We can’t continue to use our youth as an excuse. We can’t continue to use the hurts of yesteryear as a cop-out tool. We can’t place blame and make excuses for our internal conflicts and external behaviours. At some point, we must, I repeat; MUST take ownership for ourselves, for our lives, and for our relationships; especially the failed ones. Again, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

I’ve recently watch a relationships die and it saddened me. I watched two good people who were not good together marry and a decade later divorce. They looked great on paper, had the immediate qualities they were seeking, and wanted the same things from a marriage; however, the thing they lacked was the ownership of self. Neither party was equipped emotionally for what they wanted. They wanted to be loved for whom they were, but didn’t entirely know who they were. A sad reality of not just them, but many. The demise of my marriage was in part for at least one of those reasons. It’s been well over a decade for me to finally want to marry again and I didn’t blindly or through fantasy accept the proposal. I presented whom I was at the very beginning. I told him whom I was and what I wasn’t going to be to suit him. I laid my cards down face up on the table for him to see. Naturally, the hand doesn’t always play out openly or evenly; however, he can never say he didn’t know who I was. It took a little more time for him to mature into whom he is now, but the open and willingness on his part to stop hiding, stop being afraid, or feeling less than has paid off. Yes, relationships are work; however, if they require too much work, or more work than in necessary to sustain it, then it’s not working.

Truth in its form; in its entity; in and of itself in something that can’t be fabricated. Truth will always manifest itself in spite of how carefully one can strive to manipulate it. People trip up, they make mistakes, and they get caught out there leaving the Truth to always make itself known. Truth and Love are synonymous to me. One without the other doesn’t make the equation work. Truth is the foundation of life and without it, there will always be chaos; or at least more than is required necessary for balance.

In closing I’ll reiterate my point, when we ask someone to love for whom we are, we must at least know whom we are. We must be willing to pull back the many layers of our being and allow it to be seen and known. We can’t expect to be loved like a King or Queen and then act with the maturity of a prince or princess unworthy of the more lofty title. We can’t ask for love and not even know how to receive it; much less reciprocate. We are, in many ways mirrors of what we want and most assuredly what we attract. The Laws of Attraction are based on the Truth of what our spirits send into the world.

So, as I started is how I’ll end, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

Blu

Blog Challenge: Day 5 — Something you hope to do in your life…

There are in fact two things that are rivaling for supremacy on this one, so instead of choosing, I’m going to address them both.

1)  I hope I’m able to help someone overcome their struggle with Self-Injury.  As someone who spent almost three decades self-injuring, I know the struggle well and also know that in the black and minority communities it’s an issue that does not get a lot of attention and one that is rarely spoken about.  Sadly, it’s something that is taking place far too often and far too frequently, so I’m currently lending my experience to an organization, Self-Injury Alternatives in order to achieve this hope/goal.

2) Publish my collection of stories. My good friend the Barefoot Contessa is drooling at the bit for this to happen, so that’s going to have to be something I ensure happens.

Yea, I said it!

If it’s broke, fix it…

This is one of the things I want to see more of in 2013 and beyond and it’s one of the things I have to take to task myself.  My relationship with my mother is like oil and water and no matter how much it’s shaken, it never really comes together.  I’ve been more rounds with her than kids going around the Mulberry Bush.  It’s one crazy revolving door of drama.  I walk away, I come back, and with each turn question why I even bother especially when I can give anyone a play-by-play of a conversation with her before it even takes place and then put the phone on speaker and mute it and prove myself right.  Crazy right?  Yes, it is, but oh so very true. 

I don’t hate my mother, but I hate things about how; especially her narcissism and unrelenting desire to play either the victim or martyr.  I’m tired of her drama and I’m tired of me finding ways to tolerate it and her bullshit, so I’ve decided to do what I do best by way of communication and that’s write her a letter. I’ve done it once before and it went unaddressed by her as if I’d never wrote anything.  This one will be point specific and will cause her foundation a seismic tremour or two.  Don’t get me wrong, my intent is not to be mean or disparaging, but to merely point out some things she doesn’t know about me or why I am the way I am.  She’s the catalyst for some major trauma in my life and if I’m ever going to be able to fulfill my goal to write a book and/or screenplay, then she needs to hear these things and hear from right from me.

In truth, I haven’t a clue how she’ll react to it, but it’s not about her; it’s about me.  I’ve already given my stepdad the heads up that something is forthcoming so he’s not caught off guard by what will be a sizeable curse Blu tirade that will ensue, but like I said, it’s not about her; though she’ll find a way to at least try.  Dad’s cool with it and he’s supportive of my decision and what I need to do.

It’s broken; it’s been broken and what I plan to do may fix it and it may not, but either way, I’m going for it.  It can’t really get any worse anyway.

 

Live the life you love; love the life you live!

 

More Facets of BluJewel (repost)

I wrote this back in May 2010 and it still remains true to this day. Now you know a little bit more about me.

My sexual needs are much greater than I ever imagined they’d be

I prefer pedicures to manicures

I feel empowered by driving a manual transmission vehicle

I do not believe the hype

The best fashion trend to follow is your own

In truth the degrees of separation is less than 6

I have exhausted my divine patience and am wondering how long before my human patience kicks in

**(add on to previous) when it does, it sure isn’t going to be pretty

I feel my sexiest when I’m wearing black

I look my prettiest when I’m smiling

I feel my strongest when defending someone I care about

I’ve learned that I know more than I thought I did

Things I used to think were off limits aren’t and I enjoy them immensely

I am very much in touch with my masculine side

Silence is more damaging than the spoken word

I’d rather be confined to the madness of my own mind, than to be free in the madness around me

I am not nearly as social as people perceive me to be

The safest place I know is within my own heart/mind

Time may heal wounds, but love is a better bandage

I sometimes seek comfort in music before I would from a person

“Love is what I need to help me know my name” line from Love’s Divine by Seal…Absolutely amazing line

There are few things sweeter than hearing someone say your name in the heat of passion

I have no idea what it’s like to have a real/honest/true/consistent/loving relationship with my parents

I do; however, KNOW how to be a a real/honest/true/consistent/loving parent to my own child

I have conquered my own personal Mount Everest

That is all!