Blog Challenge: Day 16 — Someone or something you definitely could live without


dont-keep-calm-and-take-no-bullshit

This pretty much sums it up! I will not sit back and remain calm while you keep up with your bullshit!   I’m so sick and tired of so-called “grown folk” and their constant bullshit!  If you’ve got drama, then keep that shit away from me and stop fouling up my air space.  I’ve worked too damn hard to be where I am in life to continue to remain calm while you’re silly ass takes bullshit dumps wherever you go.

negative bs

The negativity you spread with your constant complaints about what you feel your entitled to; what you think you should have; or where you think you should be in life because your silly ass made the wrong turn at life’s junction.  YOU made the decision to live an unauthentic life, be unhappy, or whatever life crime you feel has been committed against you.  Your negative attitude and behaviour is your issue and I’m too happy with my life to concern myself with that which is not conducive to living productively, positively, purposed, or profoundly.

no_bullshit_cat_by_valendale-d6ypz5a

Trust and believe I’m going to call you out on your shit and let you know that if you want better, you have to do the work to get and be better. I refuse; I emphatically refuse to keep allowing my ears to be polluted with your negative, emotional carbon footprint.

I’ve done my part in my own life to get my shit together and I don’t expect anyone to sugar coat shit and call it candy and feed it to me.

sugar coat shit

I want the truth regardless because that’s the only way to move forward and make it in this life.  I cannot and will not care if you don’t care enough to heal, mature, grow, let go, and move on.

Every freaking day should be treated with love and care instead of wallowing in self-pity.  If your life is so bad, imagine not having it.  Yea, stick that one in your pipe and smoke it!  Things aren’t always going to be easy; things aren’t always going to go your way, but guess what?  You deal with the negative shit and you let it go.  You can’t move forward if your foot is still stuck on the stupid pedal.

there goes the last eff

I’m done! I’ve checked out!  I don’t want to play with the toxic kids anymore, so I’m taking my toys and going to a cleaner sandbox!

Yea, I said it!

Either it is or it isn’t…

“It’s like people who want to feel only happy but not sad,” she said. “It never works. You don’t get to pick and choose. At least, I don’t think so.” As said by Grace, a 4-grader from the book I’m reading, Don’t Let Me Go by Catherine Ryan Hyde that I recently read.

I thought it funny how we pay little attention to children when they speak, but in this case, what she said spoke loud and clear as to the action of adults. As adults, we have a tendency to want to pick and choose our emotions as if one is better than the other or that being happy makes everything all better. Welllll, it really doesn’t. We have contrasting emotions for a reason because we simply can’t have it all just one way or there’d be no balance’; and we need balance in everything and every aspect of our lives.

I do think there are many that choose to be one emotional state or another, but it’s typically because the alternative aren’t always favourable. If you’re sad and depressed all the time, then who’d want to be around you and what pleasures would you experience in life? (rhetorical) Being happy all the time doesn’t mean we’re free from pain or heartache either. I think we simply choose to deal with the pain and then seek and choose happiness as the better way to be.

There is a ying and yang in all of us!

Love the life you live; live the life you love!

New year; new tears…

The year has only just begun and it’s already had tears in it.  Once again, I’m reminded of the fragility of life and how important it is to live and love with all we have and all we can be.

On New Years Eve, I received an email from whom would have been my future sister-in-law.  She was in great spirits and anxiously looking forward to the new year only hours before her.  Sadly, I didn’t get to reply to the email; though I’m not sure she’d have gotten to read it anyway. 

As I was surrounded by my love and his family on NYE, I had an odd feeling that I couldn’t exactly place. I felt alone and distant in spite of the people around me; that feeling that something wasn’t quite right.  I couldn’t shake it and went about the nights festivities as planned.  The following morning while eating breakfast, I received a call from my brother.  I was excited thinking he’d called from London to wish me a Happy New Year; instead it was to tell me that his girlfriend was found on the street and taken to the hospital where it was determined she’d had a stroke…my heart dropped.  The foreboding feeling I’d had the night before now made sense.  All celebratory feelings dissipated as I heard my thuggish brothers voice croak and crack as he fought tears.  I encouraged him to think positively and not react until he knew her prognosis.

Yesterday, 3 Jan 13, I received a call at 1:47 pm EST from him telling me she’d passed.  Crushed and devastated were/are two of my emotional states of being.  I hurt for him in ways I can’t even adequately voice.  His usual gruff was almost a whisper and the contained tears gave way to a flood of them.  I could offer no conciliatory hug to help ease his pain.  I could do nothing physically to help him with his pain and grief and at the moment; his despair, all I could do was contain my own tears and speak words of comfort and encouragement to him while my own heart broke for him; for their future that would never be.  He feels so alone, so isolated, and abandoned by our family and sadly I could identify, which only amplified my own emotions of feeling helplessness.

My brother is a good guy who made many bad choices and decisions in life.  His life took a left turn that lead to a detour that he almost couldn’t come back from but he did.  He found a way to start over; start a new life, and in the process found a woman; a kind, loving, supportive woman who accepted him and his past.  She saw his good; his worth; his merit and she loved him and believed in him.  In his moment of grief he forgot those things and asked this, “is this my payback for all the bad things I’ve done?”  At that point I almost lost it.  Jesus took the wheel on my emotions and gave me the words and strength to tell him “no, that wasn’t the case”.  I told him that God has blessed him with a woman and a love that showed him he was in fact worthy.   I told him that while we can’t know the works of the Lord, there was a lesson to be learned.  I further encouraged him to live his life in her honour and with her love and spirit inside of him.  I made him swear he’d do everything in his power to live a good life and to do nothing to defile the trust and commitment she’d had in him.  I did all of this as I fought my own tears.

Last evening, I cried!  I was and continue to be hurt for him.  I grew to love her too.  I cried for her who should have been my sister-in-law.  I reread the email she’d ever send and my heart shattered.  She was only 43 and is survived by her children and grandsons, whom I know are in shock and disbelief.

It’s the 4th day of the new year and I cried on the 3rd.  Coincidentally, it was the birthday of a high school friend who’d once been my first boyfriend.  It was also the 12th anniversary of his mother’s death.  3 Jan will forever be an awkward day for me because I’ll be celebrating both life and death. 

They say death comes in threes and it had.  Just before Christmas, there was the death of a former co-worker and then the death of my best friends mother and now my brothers girlfriend. 

I don’t know what God has in store for my brother, but I trust that it’s something good.  I know his girlfriends life and love was not for naught and her memory will be cherished.

This is once again a reminder of how precious and fragile life is.  Hold on to those we say we love and live a life worthy of being someone’s good memory.   My closing statement for this years post is “live the life you love; love the life you live” this couldn’t be anymore the truth.

Live the life you love; love the life you live!

Movie quote…

I love movies and I’m particularly fond of Indie and Low Budget movies because they tend to have captivating characters and story lines that capture ad maintain my attention; mostly without all the predictable plots and outcomes.

A couple of nights ago, I watched, After Sex and was pleasantly intruiged and surprised by the varied relationships it chronicled.  When you have some time, I suggest you find it and watch it; I found it on Netflix.

The following is a quote from the movie that touched me and gave me major room for pause.

Leslie: Love is not negotiable.

Christopher: Oh, baby, everything is negotiable!
Leslie: Love is not negotiable. No, not love. Love is a guessing game. And that’s the beauty of it, there’s no guarantees. It’s like diving into a pool of water without knowing if it’s shallow or deep. Sure, right, if it’s shallow you end up hurt and paralyzed from the neck down. But if it’s deep… it’s a leap of faith. It’s like throwing yourself out there without any guarantees. And that’s what life’s about!

Christopher: Sure.

Leslie: Okay, you know those carnival games? And you know how some of them are really hard to win and some of them are super easy and everyone wins? Well, that’s the difference between love and sex. Sex is the game where everyone wins a little prize, and no one goes home a loser. And love is the game that’s really hard to win. But if you do, and you get to take home that life size stuffed rhinoceros, it feels a whole lot better than taking home a shitty little plastic key chain.

That is all!

Feelings…Inner Voice

“…it’s important not to invalidate your feelings. Your feelings are telling you something important. Do not rush to act on the first whim, take time to hear the full message.”

When I read this excerpt this morning, it was a confirmation; not that I needed it; so, it was more like a reaffirmation of how I handle myself and my emotions. As stated in previous posts, when I have had things on my mind, but don’t always address them; instead, I wait until I see if the feeling dissipates or lingers as the former typically is a knee jerk reaction; resting on the latter as being something I need to consider and/or address. Unlike in the past where I tended to suppress or ignore my feelings; often leaving me in an emotionally destitute place, I’ve stopped playing the martyr and sacrificing my feelings, well-being, and/or happiness in favour of placating someone else. I learned a long time ago that feelings aren’t right or wrong; they just are, but I like to add what the quote states to it now.

It’s important to recognize and realize that when someone says, “oh suck it up”, or “you’ll get over it” when it comes to how you feel about something tends to come from a negative place within that person where they can’t handle what’s being said or they aren’t equipped within their own emotion state to show the necessary compassion, understanding, or even their complicity in what’s being brought to them. While it could be very easy to simply assume their words and dismiss your feelings; do not. Instead, find another approach to address said person, but never disregard your feelings by allowing someone to belittle you or your feelings.

Keep yourself open to the voice inside of you and the emotions conjured as a result. Look inward to see where they’ve stemmed from, what your reaction is, and how best to mitigate the circumstance. Take ownership if/where necessary in what you’re feeling and why you feel how you do and bring it all to the conversation when it takes place. Remind yourself that you may be received with hostility or reproach, but let the loftier thought of your self-preservation and well-being are at stake in order to remain on course and diligent in remedying the situation or circumstance. You are entitled to your feelings, but you aren’t entitled to hurt someone and the contrary is likewise true. Let your inner voice be your compass north as it’s the one true feeling that won’t let you down; it’s the last piece of the childhood innocence and purity you have left.

That is all!

Full disclosure

While helping a friend through her transition and current state of affairs, I began to see that I, too, am feeling that I’m in a transitoinal place in my life.  I have been praying for a change in my relationship and some of it has happened, but there are some other things that require a little more attention; me speaking up! 

My friend and I are brutally honest with each other and even if the words may feel like a hard slap; we know there is love and purpose behind them.  We don’t sugar coat shit and call it candy, because that’s not real.  We deal in real.  We deal with what needs to be said and not what we want to hear.  We’re fortunate to have that devotion, dedication, loyalty, and most of all HONESTY. 

Anyway, while speaking with her, I felt the lock on my emotional door begin to open and I started having some internal dialogue and I didn’t like the way the conversation was going.  I didn’t rebuke what my inner voice was saying because like my friend, I trust it.  It’s my spirit of discernment; the small voice that speaks really loudly and rings in my ears like a church bell.  After processing the plethora of feelings/emotions, I reached out to her and as expected, she delivered the affirmations, confirmations, and most importantly The Truth. 

Full disclosure is so very necessary for growth, clarity, and healing. It releases all the toxicity that’s built up and opens the heart and life channels to better understanding, appreciation, and restoration.  If more people actually engaged in it, they’d be better off and relationships; platonic and/or intimate would be better lived and appreciated. 

I’m ready to move on and move forward even if the receiving party has difficulty in what I’m saying.  It’s not about me throwing stones or trying to put myself on a pedastal; I simply want to achieve and have the fullness I want, deserve, and need for healthy living.  I can’t concern myself with someone else’s feelings at the risk of sacrificing my own as that’s not living authentically, which is very important to me. My growth process has not been an easy one and now that I’ve reached the higher part of the mountain, I don’t want to fall backward. 

Full disclosure here I come on my big horse looking like Lady Godiva; open and vulnerable, but willing to face things head on.

I challenge each of you to examine yourselves, your lives, and your relationships and find ways to incorporate more Full Disclosure.  Release yourself from the hostage situations, the white lies, the comfort zones, and/or whatever else that keeps you from authentic living.

That is all!

From the archives

While parusing through some old files, I came across this poem and decided to make it my post for the day…
 
Like a river to the ocean, I’m drawn to you
Your call; a silent whisper within the wind
Caressing me into a gentle seduction
Making me weak where I stand…

Upon unfamiliar ground; virgin to this experience
However, still familiar to the pull of attraction
I let down my guard; submitting to
The leap of faith beneath me…

Cushioned for the break of my fall into heaven
Knowing you’re there to receive me
Open arms; open heart; committed to love
Me with every fiber of your being…

Honest and true; giving your all not half
Treating me like the Empress I am
Borne of your missing rib
Created to fill the void in your life…

With joy and laughter, tenderness and passion

©BluJewel 2009