I read this article Second Wives Club over at MadameNoire.Com and found it and the ensuing comments riddled with a myriad of reasons why being The Second Wife was a bad thing. Here’s my take on why it’s not necessarily the case.
A man married and subsequently divorced could be a measure of many things, but one never knows unless they ask the questions needed to get to the truth; well, at least his version of it should determine whether or not those reasons are good enough for you to pursue a relationship with him. That aside for a moment, let us consider this, which was not raised…For the most part, we are all someone’s second. Being a second girlfriend exposes us to some of the same dramas, issues, ups, downs, as being a second wife; it’s on the title that changes. If he cheated in his previous relationship, he may very well cheat again with his second. If he had a trifling baby mama, she could very well be a burden in his second relationship. The list continues without my having to bring it forward. Being a second at anything isn’t always bad unless the women enjoys being a mistress and that in and of itself is a whole other issue.
The many comments from the article suggested the drama of the first wife, children, finances, etc could become problems in the second marriage. While I don’t disagree with that, I don’t think it makes being the second wife a bad thing unless he’s not doing his part to ensure the future wife is protected from such bullshiggity. In addition, it’s the second Mrs. that has to do her due diligence to determine whether or not she can or will want to deal with any negativity that may carry over from his first marriage. The woman has a role and is the deciding factor in her moving forward as Mrs. Number Two.
From my personal experience, I spoke to issues and concerns with My Love in regards to his ex-wife and their children. I spoke to that which I would and wouldn’t tolerate and how his children’s behaviour could impact not his and my relationship. We addressed my concerns and came to solutions in order to alleviate any potential stress or drama. I am not friends, nor do I need to be with his ex, but we’re amicable and can be around each other as a situation dictates without incident.
It annoys and galls me that women find the need to be so damned insecure, petty, catty, and the likes when both she and he have divorced. As long as the kids are taken care of, support as dictated or agreed to has been established, and there is no slandering of the respective new party, why should there be drama? Granted, there are those who are just so ignorant, insecure, and short-sighted to move on with their lives that can and will find ways to be a nuisance, but to what end? Showing ones ass only makes a situation worse all around and no one has time for that nonsense; well, I don’t.
Marriages fall apart and just because the first one did is not indicative that the second one will. Sometimes good people simply aren’t good together for whatever reason, so why not allow themselves to move on and try again? At least for better reasons!
Both My Love and I are divorced. I have no dealings or contact with my ex since we didn’t have children together, but My Love has two children with his and shared custody so there is always going to be interaction with her in some way. I’ve firmly stated my ground and reiterate it where necessary. I’ve spoken my peace regarding his children and that has been abided by. I’m the mother of a 22-year old daughter; therefore, I’ve had a lot of experience with raising a child; a lot of which can and will save him from a lot of drama; especially with his daughter. Yes, she’s her own person and will do her own thing; however, my experience and influence should not and fortunately is not discarded or discounted. His son is a whole different ball game, but a child is a child and their traits are quite similar and I’ve had stepson’s in my previous marriage. Experience I’m not without!
First place is always striven for; however, second place has its merits too. The second time around comes with seasoning and refinement. The second time has given you a different life perspective that didn’t come the first time around. An awareness, a sense of self, a growth and maturity, and a want for something that lacked the first time is a gift that comes with appreciation and not expectation. The second time comes with a desire for greater success and a willingness to do more.
I’ve been the second, third, forth in many relationships; my former marriage included, but at no time did I ever discount myself for that ranking. I’ve learned and grown with each experience to be at the place I am now. Of all my relationships, the one with myself has been a hard-earned one. I was second to myself to the deficit for quite some time and it wasn’t until I corrected negatively learned things, that I finally came into myself. No one in the article seemed to consider that! We don’t come into our initial relationships whole, we have to go through many trails and errors in order to be crafted into the fullness and wholeness we become; or at least hope to become before we can be worthy of being a First and so few of us are. To those fortunate to have found The One and The ONLY, I applaud them, but I also know it’s not without work to maintain that. My favourite male cousin has been married for over 30 years, but I know there was infidelity on his part; she didn’t know, or at least I don’t think she did. I know there were many trials and struggles to maintain a marriage of that duration and I wholly applaud that. However, I still will not discount those second marriages. We all need something negative in order to experience and appreciate the positive. Sometimes love is better the second time around!
Yea, I said it!