As I said in a previous post, I’d be taking on the 40-day journal. I started on 14 Feb with the intent on writing every day for the 40 days. Well, that sadly has not happened. No, I’ve not quit; I just realized this journey has taken me into places within myself that I needed to apply some further attention to or gave me such room for pause that I had to pause.
The things that are presented are as follows:
- A paragraph for you to read and lament on
- Biblical Wisdom (scripture verse(s)
- Questions to ponder (relating to the paragraph)
- Psalm Fragment
- Journal Reflections (where I have to make the entry after reading another set of questions)
- Prayers of Hope & Healing
- Prayer for Today
For each day, I wrote from my heart. I didn’t pause to think about what I was writing, I simply wrote what came to me as I answered each question. Some entries were pretty easy to write, while others made me really think.
I did not go back and re-read the entry; I just left it raw and uncensored and it wasn’t until about the 8th day and I went back and read those initial entries and boy did I fall into the abyss of my life from childhood until now. I came to some astonishing realizations about my childhood, my parents, siblings, environmental influences, people I’ve interacted with, and my faith/spirituality.
If I has a weaker constitution, I think I might have quit after Day 8 as I don’t think I’d have had the stomach to discover the depth and breadth of what has made me who I am etc.
I read a lot of hurt, pain, and sadness in my words, but oddly not a lot of anger; well, at least not so far; I’m now getting to Day 16.
My accountability partner who is also on this journey and I have met and spoken over our entries and she, too, has had moments where she’s had to take a step back and ponder. We’re supporting, encouraging, and inspiring each other to be so much more than the things we grew up living, experiencing, and accepting because we know we are more than the sum of those experiences; however, the impact of their damage is now being more clearly defined and understood.
Even though some of what I’m learning has been and may continue to be painful, I’m still happy to be on this journey. I feel stronger and wiser for the revelations and even a little sorry for those who took pleasure in causing pain on me, but are now living their own suffering. I have a forgiving spirit and refuse to be bogged down by the weight of someone else’s actions; Lord knows I spent too many years doing that already. A part of me feels sorry for them as they’ve lived their lives in such a sad, lonely, and depressed state that they can’t have had the joys I’ve live in spite of my misfortunes. God is good! His grace has been sufficient for me as the Word says.
I’ll give an update again at the middle point.
In the mean time, I’ll share this image as it speaks sufficiently to how I regard myself.
Live the life you love; love the life you live!