If it’s broke, fix it…

This is one of the things I want to see more of in 2013 and beyond and it’s one of the things I have to take to task myself.  My relationship with my mother is like oil and water and no matter how much it’s shaken, it never really comes together.  I’ve been more rounds with her than kids going around the Mulberry Bush.  It’s one crazy revolving door of drama.  I walk away, I come back, and with each turn question why I even bother especially when I can give anyone a play-by-play of a conversation with her before it even takes place and then put the phone on speaker and mute it and prove myself right.  Crazy right?  Yes, it is, but oh so very true. 

I don’t hate my mother, but I hate things about how; especially her narcissism and unrelenting desire to play either the victim or martyr.  I’m tired of her drama and I’m tired of me finding ways to tolerate it and her bullshit, so I’ve decided to do what I do best by way of communication and that’s write her a letter. I’ve done it once before and it went unaddressed by her as if I’d never wrote anything.  This one will be point specific and will cause her foundation a seismic tremour or two.  Don’t get me wrong, my intent is not to be mean or disparaging, but to merely point out some things she doesn’t know about me or why I am the way I am.  She’s the catalyst for some major trauma in my life and if I’m ever going to be able to fulfill my goal to write a book and/or screenplay, then she needs to hear these things and hear from right from me.

In truth, I haven’t a clue how she’ll react to it, but it’s not about her; it’s about me.  I’ve already given my stepdad the heads up that something is forthcoming so he’s not caught off guard by what will be a sizeable curse Blu tirade that will ensue, but like I said, it’s not about her; though she’ll find a way to at least try.  Dad’s cool with it and he’s supportive of my decision and what I need to do.

It’s broken; it’s been broken and what I plan to do may fix it and it may not, but either way, I’m going for it.  It can’t really get any worse anyway.

 

Live the life you love; love the life you live!

 

10 thoughts on “If it’s broke, fix it…

  1. Very powerful sister! It takes courage tp confront what you may fear. Your decision to do so is very important to your healing journey. I applaud you for doing so and I support you from afar. You will feel that much better once you do. Remember to not beat yourself up as you move through your healing process if it doesn’t go exactly as you imagine because you are still on the right path! I’m excited for you! Blessings

    • Thanks Ms. Anna! I appreciate your support and encouragement; it’s very much needed as I know this will not be received well on her part, but I have to do what I need to do to complete my healing journey.

  2. I feel you. Our familial relationships are the most rewarding and the most stressful. I saw my mother yesterday for the first time in a year and a half. I didn’t even realize that it had been so long. I talk to her once a week or so, but I hadn’t been to see her since my grandmother’s funeral. I’ve gotta go home more often.

    Make peace with your mother……or raise hell. Deal with it though, it’s important.

    • “Our familial relationships are the most rewarding and the most stressful”…Real talk right there Reggie and sadly mine with my mother tends to always err on the latter.

      I speak with mother one a week or every other week; although I can give you the conversation verbatim before it even occurs. 😕

      I like what you said in closing and it put a smile on my face. Most people wouldn’t have told me to “raise hell”; I appreciate that you did.

      If you’re relationship with your mother won’t drain you or leave you wondering why you bothered, then get home more often.

  3. I applaud you as well. My relationship with my mom is up and down. At this moment we are cool I think we learned a long time ago, that we can’t live together ever!!

    At any rate this will be great for you. I pray that it helps, verse cause any more problems.

    • Thanks Sunny! I haven’t lived with my mother since I graduated high school at 17. I used to go home on the weekends and once that proved to be too much, I simply stopped altogether.

      Thanks for the encouragement and I, too, hope it helps; if not her for; at least for me

  4. I really hope that works out for you. I don’t have a relationship with my mother, and haven’t for the past 7 years. Even though the drama load is low in my life, I do think we as black women yearn for that relationship with our mothers. I know I do. It is a missing component of my life.

    Write your letter. At least you will get it out. I hope your mother will read it and gain some understanding from it, and make changes on her end. Change and admitting there are issues are painful. I hope she oversteps that pain.

    I don’t think I would do that, the letter writing thing, as people have suggested. My baby sis did that letter writing one year, and there was a big ol’ fist fight. HUGE knock out drag out madness. Sigh. I learned from her! I hope it works for you.

    • Wow! 7 Years, that’s a long time. I don’t think it’s a race issue LL, I think it’s a women issue in general. I do miss having a functional relationship with mother, but I can’t have something functional with a dysfunctional person and she’s very much that.

      Writing the letter is my safest way to say what I need to as she won’t be able to hang up on me or try to take over the conversation. She lives in FL and I’m not to make a special trip to speak face to face until or if she acknowledges my letter. She’s ignored the past one, though at the time I didn’t care; this time I do…the content will warrant one.

      I’m sorry to hear that things didn’t work out for your sister and I can understand your reasons for not going forth with your mother. Maybe you should or could write it and just never send it; at least you know you’ll get it out your system. {hugs}

  5. Up against MOTHER??? okay I take my hat off to you.
    Wow there is passion in your words and a good change is on its way. Like they say there is no time like the present go for it Blu am very sure the love between you and your mother is much stronger than it may appear so. I wish you all the best with this challenge!

    • Yes! It’s long overdue. I’ve tried over the years to put all the cards on the table, but she’s never been able to handle it. Hell, she got pissed when I went into counseling 20 years ago.

      At this juncture, I don’t really care about her feelings especially since I’ve spared hers damn near my entire life and carried the pain of my experiences instead.

      I’m not trying to hurt her or be malicious; I’m just tired of her anger, bitterness and constant need to play the victim and hurt other people.

      I need to do this as it also affects my daughter who hasn’t spoken to her grandmother in almost 3 years. Once I make the step, she’ll be able to speak her peace too and then the door can be closed.

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