How quickly emotions change…

I ws sitting at my desk reading and drinking tea where out of nowhere an image of me hurling said cup of tea in a swift and violent motion.  The following is what came out of me when I tried to make sense of what I’m feeling…

Nothing’s working!
I do not fit
There is no place for me
To call home to go home to
I’m surrounded by people
Familiar faces
Yet I’m alone in this crowd
No sees my eyes; my real emotions
They only see my face
My smile
Not the confusion; not the pain
Not the well of emptiness
Pouring out like a broken faucet
They take; they want
It’s all they do
Nothing’s reciprocal
Nothing to my gain
Explosions are all I see
Vivid, vibrant outburst
That’s the aura around me
I feel what that can’t see
I’m a living cacophony
Yet they see and hear nothing
They’re all blind; captivated by
Their want from me
My touch warm
Against their cold façade
The thick deception of their being
Words said, immediately
Die upon their tongue
As their actions reveal
Their true intent
It’s all pointless; meaningless
No one knows me; my pain
They take, take, take
I’m always losing; nothing gained
I want to belong
I want to fit in somewhere
I’m tired of being on this road
The journey is pointless
The destination unknown
I’m just a lonesome traveller
There’s nowhere to call home
Blu Jewel 16 Nov 12 ©

Immediately after I wrote this, the following songs came on…

Love’s Divine – Seal

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time threw a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love’s divine
Please forgive me now I see that I’ve been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

‘Cause I need love, love’s divine
Please forgive me now I see that I’ve been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don’t bend (don’t bend), don’t break (don’t break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won’t forsake
‘Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there’s nothing wrong
But inside I felt me lying all along
But the message here was plain to see
Believe me

‘Cause I need love, love’s divine
Please forgive me now I see that I’ve been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don’t bend (don’t bend), don’t break (don’t break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won’t forsake
‘Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.

This Too Shall Pass – India.Arie
I achieved so much in life
But I’m an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
But my emotions are bankrupt

My body is nice and strong
But my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
But when the night falls so does my tears

Sometimes the beatings so loud in my heart
That I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
That I can barely hear what God says

Then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angel’s whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day one day will be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
Turned around and hurt me the worse
I’m doing my best to move on
But the pain just keeps singing me songs

My head and my heart are at war
Cause love ain’t happening the way I wanted
Feel like I’m about to break down
Can’t hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So I pray for healing in my heart
To be put back together what is torn apart
And I pray for quiet in my head
That I can hear clearly what God says

Then I hear the whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the Angels whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of sudden I realize
That it only hurts worse to fight it
So I embrace my shadow
And hold on to the morning light

This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
I hear the angels whisper
that trouble don’t have to last always
I hear the angels whisper
Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday.
I hear my angels whisper.
I hear my angels whisper.
This too shall pass.

It never ceases to amaze me how when I’m feeling at my worst how music can come along and lift me up and say all the needed things when no one else could…That truly is Love’s Divine and This Too Shall Pass!

That is all!

12 thoughts on “How quickly emotions change…

  1. What a testimony. We all have our moments of doubt, and despair,,,we hold our head down, we cry, we pray…and then we get back up, and stand. God has heard your prayers, and is with you now and i believe sent those songs your way to let you know…i hear you. And then on top of all things he allowed you to share this moment with us…and because of this post, someone is nodding their head, shedding a tear, smiling and knowing…this too shall past. That someone is me. Thank you.

    • Aww! Sweet Soul Sista {hugs} in spite of my moment of emotional despair, I’m happy to know that my words were of comfort to you and I pray that your situation will too pass.

      Yes, God did give me what I needed in my weakened moment and I’m grateful/thankful for His timely intercession. This truly emphasised the part of the Footprints poem where the footprints went from two sets, to one. I know He carried me at that moment with those songs.

      Thanks for always giving me comfort.

  2. Don’t feel like The Lone Ranger, I felt like that myself a few times last week. At least you just had the image of hurling the cup. I went off a few times this past week………I even apologized once.

    We all have our moments. Just because we seem like we’re in conrol most of the time, doesn’t really mean that we are.

    God knows that I HAVE to do better.

    • Thanks Reggie. Your words “Just because we seem like we’re in conrol most of the time, doesn’t really mean that we are.” Are especially comforting because people forget that the person they presume (me in this case) is still human and allowed to have moments when they feel at complete odds with themselves and/or life. The image frightened the ish out of me because it was so real and so intense that I actually shuddered.

      I tried to call my best friend, but he wasn’t at his desk and I called another friend and she wasn’t available either. Xanax was my next choice, but instead I just let the words come out however they wanted to.

      I’m thankful for readers such as yourself to let me know it’s okay!

  3. Blu thanks for sharing your emotives I hope mind body and soul are better connected this weekend. Lord knows the last few months even more significantly this week gone has been many moments of outbursts good reasons so it seems at the time. Then I calm down and think why the hell did I? sometimes its okay to let go but reaching the core centre we must.

    • Thanks BFC! The root of the issue was addressed this weekend and it’s in the hands of the Lord and the person who needs to remedy a situation. I’m thankful for God’s intercession and the songs I received to give me comfort/strength.

      Continuing to walk by faith and being willing to share my emotions for it’s in those moments of weakness where I gain my strength

  4. lol! I can almost visualise you hurling that cup – “blu alert! duck!”. very impressed with your inner response though. you’re not the loner traveller, you’ve got my company

  5. How on time was that?! I tell you, God has a funny way of doing things (i.e. cheering us up, or showing us something when we are at our low point)!

    Thanks for sharing this! 🙂

    • Girl, you speak the truth. This is why music means so much to me because it can be queued up and ready to soothe all that ails you. I have a CD collection I put together called Lyrically Speaking; When Words Fail, Music Remains…This episode was a clear example of that that.

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