Cheating with a contingency…

I was listening to the Rickey Smiley Morning Show today, (10 Sept 12) and he was going off about women cheating. He was rather pissed at how women cheat, why women cheat, and that the numbers are as high as 80%. While I can’t confirm or deny his accuracy, I can say that women are rather slick with theirs and tend to be more successful than men at it, so while psychological studies suggest the rate is 70-76% of men to 40% of women, no one can really know for sure. It’s not like folk are going to just put themselves on blast so someone can gather statistics anyway.

Rickey Smiley aside, my issue with cheating is when folk cheat on a contingency. That is, people who’ll cheat while they’re waiting for someone better to come along. I’ve got real beef with that. Why? Because if you’re relationship isn’t working out and you’ve tried to fix it, then just leave. Why drag it out and make your life even more complicated by adding another factor into the equation? I understand it may be hard to simply up and leave, but giving someone potential ammunition to be used against you is just stupid.

While I admit to having been a participant in someone’s infidelity, I’m not a supporter of it and find it exhausting and in many ways an annoying practice to be kept up. The lies, the excessive deleting of calls, texts, emails, ensuring your phone GPS is off, removing your EZ pass from your car, and all the other tactics one has to employ to prevent themselves from being found it is just too taxing as I stated.

Although I’ve known many or heard of many people who cheat, it seems that lately it’s becoming more and more known to me in my immediate and extended social circles, but it’s being done on a contingent basis. The offending party has the mindset that mirrors something like this…”With my (insert title) isn’t where I want to be and I want out, but I don’t want to be alone, so I’m going to cheat and see what’s out there. I’ll still maintain the security of my shaky relationship I’m in until someone better comes along”.

I understand that we all think the grass may be greener when we’re unhappy, but in truth the grass can be as green or as brown as you make it. Grass, like most things is a living entity, and needs care and attention to be maintained. Yes, some might require a little more time and attention, but at the end of the day, it’s what you put into that yields favourable results. Envying what someone else has or what you perceive is better, can in many ways only complicate matters, so why not work on you and/or what you have to improve what you want? We are all responsible for our own happiness and we’re all responsible for the choices we make or don’t make in our lives. So, if we’re unhappy, why not get to the root of it and fix what’s broken within? Seeking the approval, validation, or thinking someone else can or will make you happy doesn’t improve us or our situations. In fact, it can only compound an already tenuous situation because if you have a conscious, you have to assuage your guilt for what you’re doing by 1) yourself by adding more stress to your life, 2) deal with all the lies and manipulation it takes to cheat, and 3) live with the consequences of what you’re doing.

Now, if things are so bad where you are, why can’t the offending party simply just get out? Why do they have to cheat and straddle the fence at the same time? In my humble opinion, if you’re relationship isn’t working out and you’ve honestly tried all you can to make it work, then you should be man or woman enough to call it quits and move on. If you’re cheating with a contingency, then you’re never truly invested in anyone but yourself and in reality, you’re not even really doing that because you’re so busy covering your ass so you don’t get busted that your focus is erratic at best.

I revert back to a previous post Own Your Shit where I state that we are all responsible for ourselves and our actions. When we take ownership for things in our lives, we are working toward making our future better in whatever way it needs to be and in the context of this post it’s finding ways to effectively get out of your relationship without the added drama of cheating. Infidelity is synonymous with being untrustworthy and there are few relationships that successfully survive when that’s what it’s founded on. Now, I’m not suggesting that people can’t and don’t change, but think about it…If you got your man or woman by way of infidelity, isn’t there a part of you; even if it’s one iota of a doubt that the person wouldn’t do it to you? At some point, don’t you stop to wonder how a relationship that was founded on lies and deception has any stability? I know I sure as shit would, but, that’s just me and how I view things.

In order to have healthy and wholesome relationships, we must be honest. We have to take inventory ourselves and our view on relationships as a whole in order to know how we can achieve the healthy mindset it takes to be with someone. Relationships are only as healthy as the sickest person, so it’s imperative that we heal and close doors before inviting another person into our personal mess. We have to see past thinking that 50/50 makes a whole in a relationship. If each party is only bringing 50% to the table, then the ground is pretty unstable; moreso if cheating is the foundation. However, when each party is bringing as close to 100% to the table as they can, that means they’ve done their personal inventory, have asked and insisted that the party of interest has likewise done theirs, and they’ve got something of substance to work with. Two strong people weather a greater storm that two halves.
So, boys and girls, I’ll close with this thought. Would you rather your spouse/partner/girl-boyfriend simply state they no longer want to be in the relationship and end it or them maintaining the front of the relationship all while cheating on a contingency? I’m sure I probably already know the answer, but I really want you all to think about this. Also, reflect on your past relationships to assess whether you’ve cheated on a contingency.

When I look back to the time I was party to someone else’s infidelity, I was single and let it be known that he and I; in spite of the boomerang bond we shared, I’d never enter a one-on-one relationship with him should it have ever come down to that unless he’d done some serious soul-searching and worked through his issues. I likewise, would have and actually did work through why I accepted being the “go to” girl. Fast forward; said man, has worked through his issues, did the required soul-searching, and he’s made great leaps in how he views relationships and himself in one. We never became a couple, but we are still friends to this very day. There is much to be said about integrity!

That is all!

12 thoughts on “Cheating with a contingency…

  1. Absolute truth Blu! who can keep up with all those lies? My memory fades so I know I would be busted in a minute. LOL!!! Seriously and sadly the idea of being alone frightens the hell out of some. That causes the ” something is better than nothing mentality to flourish. You know I don’t condone cheating for ANY reason. I would prefer the truth over a lie any day.

    • Trust me sis, even though HE was the one really cheating, I was still complicit by allowing him to have someone to go to, so while I wasn’t cheating on someone in my life, I was still cheating myself. I was cheating myself out of something healthy and I was lying to myself that it was okay because of how messed up his home life was. Neither one of us should have been doing what we did and trust me, a LOT has been learned as a result.

      The truth may hurt, but at the end of the day, no one can call you a liar and there’s nothing worse with being branded that.

      • Shai – when we cheat, we never think of what we’re allowing ourselves to be cheated out of…our integrity, peace of mind, real love, the fullness of commitments etc. Regardless of what we think we’re missing at home or what the other person has offer; there will always be something missing; something we’re cheating ourselves out of.

  2. Another good read. If anyone wants to be stimulated and inspired to write, they’ve arrived at the same place. Really good stuff. I’m sure much of what is being emphasized here will remain in my conscious throughout the day.

    I too wonder why people remain in relationships until someone better comes along. It doesn’t get any selfish than that. And another good question is why cheat and remain in the relationship? I guess I can look back at past actions and ask myself that particular question.

    I haven’t met a dude who didn’t cheat on his woman. In all my life I haven’t met the man who remains completely faithful. I’m sure there are some though, a few.

    I am inclined to believe that, while women are more inclined to stay faithful, under the right circumstances infedility claims them as well.

    Does society encourage cheaters?

    • You’re right Don, staying while cheating is the ultimate in selfishness. It’s tantamount to having your cake and eating it too even if one is ‘stale’.

      Nowadays, it’s hard to find ANYONE who hasn’t cheated as it seems to be the “thing to do” if for no other reason than they can. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that. Or the other dumb one, “I’ve always been cheated on, so it’s only a matter of time before this one does, so I’m gonna do it first or anyway”. Go figure that one out! SMH

      I honestly think that societ DOES encourage cheaters. The news media glorifies the cheating spouse by giving them so much press. It’s condoned because “she stood by her man” or excused because “a man will be a man” or “it’s just what men do”. *excuse me while I get my bull horn* BULLSHIT! We have to stop making is okay and making excuses for ones infidelity. If it’s that damn bad, get the fugg out and start over.

      As I said in my post, I’m not excusing my own participation in someone’s infidelity. I was wrong and shouldn’t have done it, but I had my then reasons, of which I’ve since worked on and through. I would not do it again for any reason; it’s simply not worth the effort.

      Every relationship may hit some lows, but if you truly know what love is and you truly love yourself and the other person, then you work it out. Stepping out isn’t going to fix what’s broken, which sadly tends to be the cheating person.

      Damn Don, you got me blogging in my comments…lol! 😉

      • Yes, blogging in your comments and I LOVE the fact, cause you speak the truth and who can possibly get enough of the truth?

        Not I.

        I have three close homeboys who cheat on their women and each woman knows and continues to “stand by their man.” One of them even had a child with another woman, and what did his woman do? Get pregnant again, as if to say I got two kids by him and you only have one. Lol. But I’ve explained to each homeboy that the woman is simply awaiting the right time and person for The Big Payback…

  3. LOL!

    Women who continue to condone that level of cheating are cheating themselves out of a healthy and happy relationship and are adversely impacting the lives of the children then keep adding to the equation.

    Whatever the so-called Big Payback is or will be, may still not undo the damage already done. When women allow themselves to be treated without the respect and fidelity they deserve, they’re sending a message to the universe that it’s okay for her to be treated this way, so why should the next man do something for her that she’s not doing for herself?

    People get away with their mess because 1) we allow them to my making excuses and we’ve trained them to. If we want something better, we must do whatever it takes to fix ourselves for allowing it to occur and then start selecting the right partner for ourselves. Too often the so-called man shortage is the excuse women us to say they have a men, but in truth they only have a piece of the man as he’s never truly commited to her exclusively. While it can get lonely, one can do more for themselves by remaining single than to settle for anything that’s less that a WHOLE relationship. I understand Friends with Benefits, but once it’s all over, the only thing that was achieved was a nut and a good bye and he/she is still no better off.

    It’s time for folk to stop making excuses, condoning the bullshit, and to start doing what it takes to get to the root of why men/women are cheating and to stop allowing themselves to remain first place second.
    We can’t want something we’ve not earned or are willing to work for. Relationships are investments so why make deposits where there is no return on your dividends?

Comments are closed.