Rightful places

“Just because someone has to be a part of your life; doesn’t mean they have to be IN your life. Be careful of bonds you share and the effect it has on others.” Blu Jewel

I posted this on Facebook this morning as I pondered the varying roles people play in our lives. I’ve found we have a tendency to make excuses for, over compensate, or tolerate the presense certain people have in our lives and often do not consider how it could or can affect others.

Speaking from the perspective of someone who is still close friends with a couple people I’ve had intimate relationships with, I’ve always tendered a careful integration of the maintenance of that friendship against my being in a relationship. Some can tolerate their significant other or spouse being friends with a past love fully; some can do it with a level of compromise, while there are others who can not and will not. Full disclosure has worked for me and I’ve made adjustments or concessions where or if necessary in order to be mindful and respectful to all affected. Given then I’m extending full disclosure, I want it reciprocated in order to achieve the desired outcome of complete trust, respect, and privacy.

In matters of ex-spouses; primarily ones where children are involved, there is always going to be contact and communication for the sake of the children. In some cases there will be shared events and occasions where contact will be more than superficial. Based on my experience with Lil Lady’s father, we maintained healthy communication for our daughter, with a level of concern for the well being of each other, as our relationship; though no longer intimate affected our daughter. We did not get in each others business, we did not over-share, and we certainly didn’t give each other play by plays of our daily activities. The terms of our parental relationship were clearly defined and when there was the introduction of a significant other on each of our parts, we honoured the sanctity of the respective relationship by again maintaining healthy and respectful boundaries.

It is my firm belief that once the relationship has been terminated, what I or the other person does should no longer be of any consequence to the other. Where I/he shops, where I/he goes, etc, should no longer become a part of daily conversation. We separated for a reason and the constant exchange should be limited to what is necessary and appropriate; hence, being a part or each others lives and not in each others lives. The constant inclusion; especially when the split-parties are in other relationships can and will have an adverse effect on the relationship. The new person will feel that their privacy; as simple as it may be, will now be violated and the sanctity of the new relationship now becomes tainted.

It’s my humble opinion that a relationship has to endure enough between two parties and does not need the inclusion and intrusion of an ex. I further and firmly believe that communication is the foundation of any and all relationships and if it’s tested by constantly having to worry about the disclosure of information being shared; no matter how simple with a third party, it will be hindered and create the breeding grounds for an argument.

I have a friend whom I had a 14.5 year on again; off again relationship with and we’ve shared just about every detail of our lives with each other. When he or I was in a relationship with someone else, we did not make it our business to share details of it with each other unless it was absolutely necesseary for sounding board purposes, and even then it was issued with a level of restraint and respect. The daily activities of each others lives were of no conseqence; nor was it deemed necessary or appropriate. We are still friends to date and there is nothing but platonic contact between us, we do not discuss my current relationship. Save for one occasion where my response prompted him to ask what was really going on, he knows nothing other than things are good. In fact, not even my nearest and dearest friends are included in the everyday dealings of my relationship. I think it’s important to be able to share; however, it’s not always healthy. People take sides; form opinions, and can be more of a hindrance than help in some instances. However, I digress because I’m swaying slightly off topic.

My point is; we need to keep people in their rightful places. Exes are exes for a reason and contact outside of what is necessary is weight-bearing to a new relationship. I’m fully mindful and encouraging a healthy contact and maintaining a friendship that is in keeping with the confines of shared children. What I find intrusive is one or both parties thinking it’s okay and acceptable to maintain daily inclusions in each other’s lives. Just because the new person hasn’t said anything, doesn’t mean they’re not cognizant of what’s going on. And if they have spoken on it and the behaviour continues without the new person knowing; or there is the impression they do not know; it has now become a lie by omission. Lies by omission are still lies and what is done in the dark can and will come to light. Again, relationships are hard enough, why make them harder by being inconsiderate?

I challenge you to evaluate yourself and your relationships and where necessary; take corrective action to honour the person you’re with and if none is needed, I then challenge you to improve on the relationship you have and be mindful of people you have or let in your lives.

That is all!

6 thoughts on “Rightful places

  1. This is true.

    I think that it’s important that we have healthy respectful relationships with our children’s other parent when we’re not a couple. It’s important because they see and understand far more than we give them credit for. They need to see healthy respectful relationships and they’re equate that as the norm.

    Excellent post.

  2. Thanks Reggie. I think you missed a major point though; it being the UNNECESSARY daily play by plays that go above and beyond the children. What is your take on that?

  3. Bravo great post indeed one has to be very mindful of the term EX….previous case closed. I also limit contact with my daughter’s dad unless the matter at hand hinges on her security. Simply move on when its done be greatful for that part of your life and dont block any ray of sunshine coming back into your life…

  4. I think a lot of people should read this.

    its a tough nut this issue and can be exhausting if not handled right. A friend of mine got kinda cut up when her ex got into a new relationship and had a child. They have a young daughter who now prefers to spend more time with her dad and the new baby. Its like she felt he has moved on where she was struggling to do so, blaming him for her current state. unresolved issues of trust, some jealousy, her finding hard to meet a good guy, its complicated. now the presence of his new girlfriend and family is proving a bit of an issue in shared events. I’ve got the listening ear but not much beyond common sense to offer her in the way of advice.

    great thoughtful post

    • Hi Chrome and thank you for stopping by.

      People have to own their role in the demise of any relationship and find ways to heal and move on. Staying stagnant or holding on to old ties only fosters toxicity and builds resentment. Whether one or both parties gets into a new relationship, the focus has to be on the new relationship and ties to the past are no longer the priority. If child(ren) are involved, civility where possible should be maintained for the child(ren) and communication be limited to. While you may wish the person well, there is no need for the personal inclusions in each others lives as it breeds contention and can become an irritant to the new partner because it looks as if their partner can’t or won’t move on regardless of feelings for the new relationship.

      Your friend will be best served by 1) owning her role in the demise of her former relationship. 2) find ways to heal and grow. 3) understand that her daughter is fascinated by the new sibling and doesn’t love her mother any less. 4) consider that her negative feelings/attitude could be sensed by her daughter and is being subliminally transferred; hence, why she may favour being at her fathers. 5) Find ways to be social and active without focusing on a new relatioinship. She can’t be good to someone else if she’s not good to/for herself.

      The bottom line is that life goes on. She’s best served moving forward than holding on to the past. ChilledLeo stated, “Simply move on when its done be greatful for that part of your life and dont block any ray of sunshine coming back into your life…” And I couldn’t agree more.

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