The other day I was having a conversation with my S.O where he was telling me that his bestie’s wife was having a conversation with some of her girlfriends and they were discussing sex and who still does what in the bedroom. S.O told me that Bestie was a bit shocked that the women were having the same conversation that men have. I laughed and said, “Women not only discuss it, but sometimes in detail.” The conversation continued and I noted how I find it appalling how many women are willing to perform all forms of sexual acts while they’re dating/in a relationship, but once they get married that all changes…The old Bait and Switch.
I’ve had this conversation on many occasions with my male friends and am still unable to come up with a justifiable reason for this heinous act. Women are going to have to explain it to me, but here’s my take on it and some of the (lame) excuses I’ve heard to defend their senseless act of prudeness. Personally, I think it’s the makings for a lot of trouble in a relationship and in some instances, breeding grounds for a man to stray. No, I’m not justifying and most assuredly am not condoning infidelity, but there is a saying, “What I can’t get at home, I’ll find elsewhere”, or something to that effect.
Put your seatbelts on readers, this is going to be a bumpy ride…
So, Jane meets Joe and they get to know each other and sex ensues at their mutual readiness. All things reciprocal, the couple continues to mature and grow in all aspects of their lives and eventually go on to live together. Sex becomes the more interesting and creative as now you’re in your own space and down have to worry about parental schedules, roommates, or other distracters. Following course, they get married and for the first year or so, they live in marital bliss and sex is still active and each party continues their reciprocal satisfaction. At some point, Jane stops giving Joe head and he’s perplexed beyond belief; left to wonder where the girl who used to test his driving acuities by giving him head while he was driving? Or, left to wonder who the once sexually liberated women went and the prude likeness in her stead. Jane’s justification is that she no longer enjoys it and/or it’s no longer necessary since she’s got Joe and the ring. Oddly though, Jane still wants Joe to take southern vacations as she concludes that “he’s gonna get his anyway, so why do I need to do that?” Hmm? Okay Jane, there’s truth to that, but why should be denied a good round of foreplay just because “he’s gonna get his anyway”? I digress…
Joe continues his usual treatment of Jane as a good man should until he realizes the frequency in which they were having sex has waned. Gone was the woman who’d spontaneously want sex and worse yet; the formerly creative woman was now doling out missionary sex and faking her way through it; well, save for if Joe was gracious in extending oral. The decline in their sexual relationship brings forth arguments, which resulted in nothing more than even less sex and Jane’s ability to hold a grudge citing Joe being “overly horny” or not understanding her “moods”. Yea, whatever! Again, I digress.
Joe’s sitting around one day with his boy and casually reveals that his sex life is less than stellar and he doesn’t understand what’s going on. Without warning, his boy reveals the same and the conversation on the bait and switch is born. Likewise, Jane is sitting around with her girl discussing her now lack of sexual interest and doesn’t understand why Joe doesn’t get it and that where I come in.
Ladies, let me share something with you. While I used to have a double-edged sword approach to sex, I never once played the bait and switch game on a man. Why? Because even though there is much more to a relationship than just sex; sex is an integral and necessary part of the relationship. It’s an extension of your love, your intimacy, your mutual pleasure and sometimes individual pleasure. And most importantly, it’s something that can and will keep your man at home; unless he’s hidden that fact that he’s a philandering pig very well hidden over the years. I won’t slander all men and say they’re born to cheat, but trust me, many will; especially when they’re not getting sex at home. Just like women, men want to feel and be wanted/needed too. They may not always be able to verbalize it, but just like we want affection, attention, to feel wanted, and sex; they do too. Withholding sex becomes more than a punishment to them; you’re guiding them into committing the very crime you don’t want them to commit. Withholding or limiting sex is likened to putting a loaded gun in their hands with the safety off. Again, I’m not suggesting all men will stray, but temptation becomes a little more than just a thought after a while. He’s going to consult his boys and maybe even a girl they’re really good friends with and that conversation can go a couple of ways. 1) Keep trying man, maybe she’ll come around. Or, 2) Well, if you’ve done all you can and she won’t come around, maybe you need to find someone who can fill in the gap. I’m guessing the former is the response you’re hoping he receives. Maybe you’ve had some issues in the past with sex and you’re initial gung-ho attitude toward it was simply to see if you could live the lie or you created this persona because you thought it was the right thing to do. If that’s the case, then it’s high time to resolve said issue by either ‘fessing up to your spouse or talking to a professional; NOT your girlfriends. Your girlfriends may not be the ones you want in that detail of your life. Why? Because studies have shown that in many instances of infidelity, it’s occurred with the best friend. He feels comfortable in sharing his feelings since she knows you best and then your BFF doles out comfort, which ends up going a little further than it should have. Woman have used having children for not being sexually interested or liberated citing time spent is demanding and she’s exhausted. “I don’t feel sexy anymore” is a common excuse used. If he’s still showing sexual interest and it’s more than for a quickie, then he obviously still finds you attractive and wants to be with you. “I kiss my children with the mouth I’m giving you head with”. I almost peed my pants laughing at this one. You’ve only got one mouth, so it is what it is. You’re still kissing mum or dad who I’m sure would cringe at knowing the antics you’ve performed, with those lips and that mouth, so just stop it. However, it gets done, it needs to be done.
Men, be honest with your women about what YOU want. Like I told women to stop telling their girls all their business, you need to do the same. Yes, it’s awkward and uncomfortable, but it needs to be done. And, you’re not off the hook either because there are occasions when you’re the offending party. With age and life demands, both parties may fall short on their former sexcapades, but dammit make time; find ways to reconnect; and stop the bedroom blues. Cheating may seem exciting and a substitute for what you’re not getting at home, but it’s not; it’s the making of a bigger and more financially challenging problem. Cheating is breeding grounds for a plethora of shit you really don’t want to get into, and if you’re not cheating or considering it and you’re shaft from jacking off or ladies, if you’re numb from B.O.B, so I say again, COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE! COMMINICATE! Communicate openly, wholly, and honestly. It’s foreplay at it’s finest.
That is all!